And I exhale...

I woke up to the same badgering thoughts this morning that had attempted to keep me wide-eyed last night. Knotting my stomach were the very same anxious, fearful and unwelcome imaginations I had already wrestled with just a few short hours ago, and I hate it. In wearied annoyance, I felt myself inhale, clench my jaw, and tense as my still-aching head began to intensify its pounding. Relentlessly, the torrential downpour of despair began to flood my soul threatening to damage and destroy all places of peace in my heart and mind. THIS is not acceptable. In my lifetime I have forfeited far too many precious hours of life to such vile attacks. I have surrendered one too many days to such plans and schemes and this will not be one of those days.

Today I will set my mind on things above. Today I will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Today I will cast down every imagination and argument that tries to come against who God is, what His Word says, and who I KNOW Him to be. I know He will not leave me or forsake me. I know that if He cares for the flowers of the fields and the birds of the air, He cares for me. I know that He is not some distant deity unaware or neglectful of creation...He is Daddy. He is PRESENT, alert, and mindful. His heart of love beats with readiness to be Sufficiency and His voice is available to speak, "Peace. Be still!" Our Father delights to be intimately involved in the most seemingly insignificant details of our lives. He loves us and if that ever rings hollow or sounds cliche, then may we experience His love freshly and profoundly once again. He loves us! He IS Love... and it is adhering to the truth that He so loves us that stabilizes us when storm-tossed. "There is no fear in love [dread does not exist] but full-grown, complete, perfect love casts out fear and expels every trace of terror" (1 John 4:18)

To continue to allow myself to be perpetually uneasy is to forfeit the gift of perfect peace He gives when my mind is fixed on Him and lures me away from the safety of His arms. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [whose power no foe can withstand]. I will say of the Lord, HE is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I confidently trust!" (Psalm 91:1-2) Today Lord, You are my Solid Rock, my Anchor, my Strong Tower, and my Firm Foundation and by Your grace and strength I shall not be moved! You thrill my heart with Your still small voice and once again I am infused with peace that surpasses all understanding and a bubbling joy that is my sustaining strength. Tension is replaced by truth and stress is eradicated by Your presence. "In the multitude of my anxious thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!" (Ps. 94:19) And I exhale...

I don't need to know...

"God has wisely kept us in the dark concerning future events and reserved for Himself the knowledge of them, that He may train us up in a dependence upon Himself and a continued readiness for every event."(Matthew Henry) I spent some time meditating on this quote this morning and soon after I picked up where I'd left off in the book of Revelation. I absolutely love it when God somehow directly addresses the thoughts of your heart through His Word. Revelation chapter ten refers to the message John heard but was not to record as, "God's mystery, His secret design, His hidden purpose". The words leapt off the page and quietly stilled my soul as I was lovingly reminded that some things are simply "none of my business".

In truth, I am someone who wants to know EVERYTHING when it comes to what God is doing and why He's doing it this way instead of that way, and when He's going to do it, and how and where and... and... and ... Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things He graciously does reveal in whispers of revelations and that itself blows me away! To realize that GOD, THE I AM cares to ever share intimacies with me is both profoundly humbling and mind-blowing, but honestly there are things He just does not show or tell us now. These mysteries and designs and plans and purposes are shielded from our knowledge and apparently sometimes surrender is simply releasing the "right" or "need" to know. At least for this human, this has not been an easy lesson learned.

There are still days that I must resemble more of a crazed desperate woman approaching Him, than a trusting child. There are still days when the desire to know what the heck is going on threatens to push me to the brink of near emotional and mental insanity. Knowing God, however, is knowing that He is the God of the "even when" moments. He is God "even when" all hell is literally breaking loose, He is God "even when" chaos is seemingly reigning, He is God "even when" it appears He is absent or distant or silent. And He is God who DOES indeed have an intricately designed will for His children that is good. He is God who has reasons and purpose in all things, ALL things. And He is God who is able to take whatever the enemy means for our evil and USE it for our good. (Gen. 50:20) To know Him is to know these truths and to remind ourselves frequently enough of them that they are the concrete anchors for our soul day to day.

There WILL BE days when the treacherous waters of questions will threaten to overtake and drown us, but it is our dependence on God and who we KNOW Him to be that will keep us afloat. I don't need to know the plans to know He does indeed have plans. I don't need to know His reasons to know He has them. As much as I may WANT to know, knowing that He knows what He's doing has got to be decidedly enough. "For I know the plans I have for you, says The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) That, God, IS enough and today I surrender to Your will...again. It is more than enough to know that You love me and that You will NEVER leave me and that YOU KNOW the plans. I don't need to know...

everything will be okay...

"So tell me that You'll never leave and everything will be okay..." Listening to these lyrics yesterday had me determinedly and discreetly wiping away tears from my stinging eyes. The strong and tangible presence of God was ministering to my heart and I resisted. It isn't (entirely) the presence of other people and their perception of me that causes me to retreat, it is predominantly due to my own warped views of what I deem weakness. Wanting simply to survive childhood with something of myself in tact, I was taught by trauma to be tough and guarded, suspicious and distrusting. I would not be vulnerable. I would not be broken. Submission was a dirty word that made me cringe. I had determined early on that to be strong is to be void of all visible emotion and I'd do my best not to put on public display what was private. I am admittedly my harshest critic and have knowingly treated myself with all the grace of a drill-sergeant and this instance was no exception.

Truth is, I am destructively harsh on myself. Painfully, I have come to see that I myself have continued a cycle of abuse in my life, something not easily admitted. I have silently and viciously assaulted myself repeatedly over the years. I have mentally and emotionally and verbally berated myself for simply being human, for being an emotional female, and too often for simply being me. The painful irony is that I can't stand and can hardly tolerate this in others, especially women. I am often the first to demand that a woman not apologize for being who she authentically is, in her most real and raw form. I hear my voice say, "your tears are beautiful" to others, yet not the dialogue or grace I extend myself, after all, "I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel like this." I get that we as Believers are not to be led by our feelings, I absolutely do not dispute that. Being led and controlled by feelings is not only immature, it's a highly dangerous road to travel. But I also know that hiding, burying, and sweeping them under the rug in no way brings freedom. Freedom from darkness comes when exposure to Light happens.

God understands that the abandonment I experienced as a child STILL causes me to sometimes treat Him with the same distrust as any other man I encounter, but He doesn't deserve that. I understand it is in our weakness that the strength of God is perfected, but I find myself loathing my weakness more often than unloading it and I want to change. This armor protected that innocent girl, but suffocates the woman I am. So, maybe God doesn't need my dry eyes, brave face, squared shoulders and my jutted-out chin all the time. Maybe He doesn't need me to appear tough and fierce and strong all the time. Maybe I can just be His little girl. Truth is, right now there are a lot of things that I'm unsure of, scared of, and anxious for. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if someone cares to judge me or condemn me for admitting this that's understandable, but I have decided that I can NOT do that to myself anymore! I'll drop the first stone. I'm greatly flawed and highly imperfect but also fiercely loved. And miraculously it's admitting my great weakness and need for Him that ironically becomes the place where I am truly MADE strong and courageous. I am undone and exposed and needy. My heart is cautious but it's also open and responsive and I am asking Him to strengthen me to keep it that way. I'm that little girl all over again who hears His voice speaking through her fear, "Trust me and let me love you. I'll never leave you, I promise. I'll never forsake you and I refuse to fail you. I'll NEVER leave, breathe. Everything will be okay..."

It makes all the difference...

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be people perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4) Over the years I'm sure I've read or heard these words from James thousands of times. Often in moments of desperation and distress, anguish, frustration and fear, it is these words that I've clung to. I've come to understand that there are circumstances-sometimes hellish, incomprehensible circumstances- that we may go through and no amount of human explanation as to "why" is sufficient to ease the grief of heart we experience. I've also come to know God. I know Him intimately and He knows me. I know His character, His ways and His will. I may not know Him fully, but a day doesn't pass that I don't grow to know Him increasingly more. He is committed to revealing Himself to me as I seek to know Him. As I've come to know Him, I've come to understand His heart and that He does nothing without purpose. Nothing. I may not perceive His reasons behind certain circumstances, I may not agree with His will or like it, BUT having chosen Him, I've given up the right to rule and reign over my life. Surrendering to His will and what He allows is submitting to the whole plan, not just the parts I want to.

I'm certain we've all been tempted to wish away gut-wrenching seasons and painful struggles...we're human! Yet, it is those very life-altering moments that God can use to shape and refine us. I love how James wastes no time in his letter getting to the point, pulling no punches. In the face of adversity we need someone to tell us such soul-anchoring truth. Jesus Himself told us, "In this world you'll have trouble....BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) James didn't deny the reality of trials for the believer, Jesus didn't make any promises of a life unscathed, but neither did they leave us without hope. The God-breathed words they shared whisper "Hope!" into moments of silent agony and shout "Peace!" into chaotic frenzy.

In my own version of James chapter one I've often had to firmly remind myself with similar words, "Look you're going to go through stuff that you'll feel you can't possibly survive. Think of it as an OPPORTUNITY and chose to be joyful. There's a lot of purpose in it. God has His reasons-reasons He may or may not reveal to you-trust Him! Instead of wasting your time asking "why God?", use your energy to keep yourself stable and fixed in Him and submit to all He wants to do in you and through you in this hardship. It won't be easy so don't be surprised by how weak you may feel at times. In your weakness don't sin and don't allow yourself to give up. Remember it is in your weakness that His strength is made perfect. Hold onto hope and press through. If you can hold on in this way, I promise you that eventually you'll be stronger, healthier, and more alive than ever before. Your faith will increase...and the greatest truth is that you'll know Him more after you pass through this than you did before. If this is the road to maturity and growth and lacking nothing, stay on it and walk with courage. He's for you and He refuses to fail you, what more could you ask for? You're going to look back one day and hardly recognize the person you were before you weathered this storm. The choice of joy changes you...no it doesn't usually change the circumstances, but it changes how you react and respond to them and I promise you it makes all the difference..."

an otherwise ordinary Monday...

After a time of prayer for what I deemed rather "immediate" needs this morning, I picked up my Bible eager to start where I'd left off yesterday. Instantly the words grabbed my attention as God has been teaching me most recently about functioning in assurance of faith. "And since we positively know He listens to us in whatever we ask, we also know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have granted us as our PRESENT possessions the requests made of Him."( 1 John 5:15 AMP) As I sat chewing on these words, wanting them to root themselves in my heart's soil, I sensed God wanting to expound and so I quickly grabbed my pen and notebook and recorded what I heard Him speak. "Because your finite mind is bound by and exceedingly conscious of time, you pray in a manner that suggests that I too am confined in this way. I am NOT. Your answers PREEXIST their manifestation in earthly and human realms. You presently possess your requests!" Marinating in such weighty words, my head instantly began aching. In my created state, I am acutely aware that I lack the intellectual capacity to process all that my Father has said. Truth is, I am far too human to mentally ascend to such lofty concepts. As I marveled at what He had shared, the truth began to saturate my open heart. I AM bound and finite in my thinking. I AM far too exceedingly conscious of this time-realm I exist in. Admittedly, the constraining circumstances of life do sometimes get the better of me and can lead and lure me to approach God in desperation. It IS far too true that the "urgency" I feel to pray is often fueled by pending and looming circumstances and not simply and purely as a responsive act of love. I am saddened by the gripping truth that my own words and phrases would ever, in some unintended way, accuse God of being limited. I am, at the same time, ecstatic that He loves me so emphatically as to take the time to realign me with His truth. He is the unrestricted, uninhibited God Almighty. He is not now, nor has He ever been, limited in power. He is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. As God repositions me within this colossal truth of who He is, I honestly still struggle and wrestle to have an "unwavering faith"- the kind that hopes and believes and expects as reality things that are not yet seen but already true. Yet, I believe. I pray daily, aware of my own fleshly limitations, for an ever-increasing capacity to believe, to truly live convinced of and adhering to the promises of God. I desire to live in a way that pleases and thrills Him! "For without faith it is impossible to please God." (Heb. 11:6) In theory, I know that it was God Himself who destroyed the partition that separated He and I and that He longs for me to draw close to Him sure of who He is. I find the invitation to approach the throne of grace boldly and confidently alluring, and yet, there are still days I come timidly and unsure. As my head swims and my awakened heart replies, "help me God", I decidedly trust Him to tend to and bring to fruition these seeds of truth He has so lovingly planted in my heart on an otherwise ordinary Monday...

less and less of me...

Yesterday I celebrated a milestone weight loss goal in my trek to a healthier and stronger me. For reasons beyond genetics, I'd allowed myself the majority of my life to carry more weight than ever comfortable. This "shell", as I referred to it in my younger years, provided beneath its layers a false security I felt I could safely hide behind. As is common, even after the life-transforming power of God radically healed the reclusive wounded girl I once was, I remained trapped within walls of fat I no longer "needed". As is also typical with women, I've tried a plethora of plans and diets over the years only to quit frustrated and unsuccessful. But surrendering to the fact that this body was just my fate was never an option. It felt so disloyal to the woman inside me who had painstakingly shed years of weighty encumbrance to then sentence her to a life of physical confinement. "It is for freedom Christ set us free." (Gal. 5:1) God has not designed us to carry such weight and although my frame managed to do so, it has not been without unnecessary aches and pain. It was never intended to be this way. In the very same way that God brought healing and freedom to the heaviness of soul that caused me years of agony and affliction, He desires to lift off the heavy physical yokes too. I have found that God is truly a stellar Personal Trainer who, with our tenacious cooperation, will get results every time. Like any great coach He is committed to and concerned with the whole person. It is an injustice to who He is to say He is only mindful of our "spiritual" being. He is the God of wholeness and completeness. I am forever grateful that He is in no way content to watch His daughter live fit and healthy on the inside, but unable to function to the fullest on the outside. I am a woman who honestly has no concern for the number on the scale or the tag. Vanity and appearance could never provide enough motivation for me to skip the chocolate and hit the gym. What has finally become the catalyst for change is far more than the great desire to just look and feel better- it's the honest realization that I've been given this one lifetime to have and experience life to the fullest. I have but one trip to this planet to fulfill the plans, intentions and call of God. Just as I've purposed in my heart not to hinder the journey heavy laden and oppressed within, so too do I intend to walk free and lightly in the most literal way. So, as I said, I celebrate months of hard work and progress because it is the continuation of God's work in my life. Apart from Him, as I've come to experience multiple failed times before, I can do nothing- this I know. Cooperating with Him, however, "showing up for our sessions" so to speak, has empowered me to understand and believe that I really "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" His great love and His commitment to the entirety of who I am leaves me overwhelmed and eager for more of Him and yes, in every way possible, less and less of me!

The Source...

Lately the word assurance has been stirring in my heart as God Himself has brought it to my attention reminding me to "Be assured and to rest assured". The dictionary defines assurance as "insurance and guarantee intended to give full confidence and freedom from doubt, to cause a certainty and security." God desires that His beloved kids be and live confident, free from doubt, certain and secure. In fact we're admonished in Hebrews 10:35 not to "throw away/fling away our fearless confidence; for it shall be richly rewarded." Assurance is paramount to advancing the kingdom of God and fulfilling His will. Faith itself is defined as the "assurance that what we hope for WILL come about."(Heb.11:1) And it is truly God Himself who is this Assurance, He IS our Insurance and our Guarantee. He alone is the reason for and giver of courage, faith, surety and fearless confidence. He is Security. He is, as David wrote, Strength, Rock, Fortress, Deliverer,Refuge,Shield and High Tower. If this God is not enough to steady my sometimes shaky soul then nothing will- NOTHING. Other vices may temporarily prop and provide crutch but they are powerless in the face of any true test or need; they are unreliable, unsteady, worthless counterfeits in light of God Almighty who actively holds the cosmos in place. That which baits me to believe it has the ability to stabilize, satisfy, provide,or give comfort and solace apart from God offers a blasphemous lie. There is no lasting, authentic resource outside of God, The Source. There is no source outside THE SOURCE! "[Assurance of one's own resources or in the stability of earthly things]- these do not come from the Father but are from the world itself. And the world passes away and disappears. but he who does the will of God and carries out His purposes in his life remains forever"...1John 2:16-17

seasons change...

During a too-brief chat with a dear friend this morning our conversation turned towards the current autumn season. She, being surrounded by fall's splendid array of colors and knowing we share a love for this crisp season, was sharing about recent ways in which she had embraced and celebrated it. As far back as I can recall I have had a special affinity for fall- the colors, the smells, the crunchy leaves beneath my feet- I love it all!!! Each year I endure summer and its sweltering heat only because it is, as I see it, a precursor to fall- the most glorious of all seasons. There are pumpkin spice lattes to drink and super-snugly sweaters to pull out. Yes, I love fall...except...this year there was no filling my home with festive decor, no lighting of rusty-orange candles and purposely walking straight through the middle of a freshly raked leaf pile. I jested with my friend that I was in semi-protest and have refused to "celebrate" a season that is now no longer evident outside my windows. There are no shades of crimsons and deep orange, the palm trees and cacti have not given up their leaves in surrender to another season. Yes the temperature in the evenings has dipped a bit, but it is not fall here- not by any stretch of the imagination, or at least not by the definition that has always existed in my mind. For someone who has always both appreciated and embraced the distinct and well- defined traditional four seasons, I'm taken back a bit by what I'm experiencing. I like structure. I like the cut-and-dry predictability of winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, FALL... In a world bursting at the seems with uncertainty, I welcome what is sure and stable, familiar and comfortable. By nature I've never been a thrill-seeker who enjoys the adventure of change, especially change to the faithful and predictable routines of life. I like plans and maps and blueprints. I like checklists and calendars. And I like fall to be categorically fall. And yet, here I am. October is quickly coming to a close and it is still a forecasted 90* in Buda, TX today. As I admitted in jokes to my friend, I haven't embraced the season here. What I didn't admit was what I didn't really realize until now; my refusal to enjoy the season was largely due to the fact that it didn't look like or feel like the fall I've always known. What I was failing to see was that seasons return but they don't replicate. This is not the fall of yesteryear, this is a new season. Sure it may have familiar sights and sounds, smells and experiences, but is also an opportunity for something brand new and exciting. Longing for yesterday may only leave me missing out on today. As much as I love the autumn season and what it's always been, I am not willing to forfeit what God has planned today lamenting over what has already come and gone. With all that can change and vary from day to day and season to season, I am reminded in this moment of still reflection that I have an unchanging God. I have a God who loves me and a God who knows me. He understands that I desperately require SOMETHING stable and sure, trustworthy and solid in my life and, He is. He reminds me that HE never changes...same yesterday, today and forever. Because He knows and loves me so personally, He also knows how crucial it is that He changes things up on me as He chooses and often when I least expect it. He loves to keep me guessing, to keep me amazed and in awe, to keep me trusting. Seasons change, my friends, without our permission and sometimes without our approval. As I've found, we can resist and despise the circumstances of each season or we can rejoice and be glad in them...

my notes...

Months have passed since I've written anything. Recognizing and contemplating this fact leaves me disappointed and sad because I feel, at some level, this is a betrayal to who I am. I am an author. This is not to say I am a self-professed believer in my own literary abilities...not even slightly. It's just that hidden within the folds of who I am is this urgency, this necessity to pour out the intimacies of my heart. I have had, for as long as I have known, this kinship with words and their miraculous ability to paint on the canvas of the mind and to heal the most afflicted of souls. It is often as the letters are spilling onto the page, whether by pen or by keys, that I feel most acutely alive. Although the phrases and words have changed with time, wisdom, experiences and maturity, the subject has forever been the same; The One Great Love of My Life. Despite the varying forms that this scribing has manifested itself over time, instinctively and divinely it has always drawn me back to the simple sharing of the most definitive truth of my life- I am loved...miraculously and incomprehensibly loved. It is because of this truth that I...exist, breathe, laugh, love...write. I am My Beloved's and He is Mine. This is the epic tale that great novelists live their lives to tell and so must I. As God Himself is authoring a romance intended to captivate and consume this heart of mine, I will, in smitten response, continue to take and share my notes...

by faith...

During a conversation just moments ago, I heard spill from my spirit and out of my mouth "I don't wanna wake a day that doesn't require great faith to make it through". As I scribbled it down and began to contemplate what I had really just said, I was struck by how sure and how forthright it had come out. This season of my life and recent circumstances combined have thrust me into living in an entirely new dimension of faith, a new "level". And to the surprise of a girl who has always favored comfort, security, and stability to adventure, risk and the unknown, I have found that THIS is truly life and life abundant. This is what I desire to rise to each new day. Now I'm not saying I crave trials or situational uncertainties, but what I've come to realize is that I desperately want and need to live and move and breathe in a way each day that is totally and abandonedly reliant on God. Having faced more than a few moments, even today, that seemed insurmountable has forced this sometimes shifty soul to make the decision to trust God. Period. End of subject. No questions asked (and that's very hard for someone who wants to know everything in advanced in order that all "risks" might be calculated ones...) By God's divine hand He has allowed me to be in a time and season that REQUIRES that I require Him. My heart's plea is that this doesn't change. I have come to a place where relying on self is not only a foolish option, it's a non-option... and it's wonderful! If I, as a Christ-follower, am not living in a way that reliance on God is not crucial, I have to ask myself am I really following Christ? If I'm not desperately and achingly holding onto Him to be my everything, to save the day, to give me breath, am I truly living in and operating in any level of faith this day? To live by faith requires something of us, it has a cost. It means I do not lean on me, or "them", this or that...it means no crutches and as my friend put it "no contingency plans". It is an all chips in, both feet out of the boat thrill-ride that leaves you breathless and expectant, and grateful for His never-failing faithfulness. And it is my heart's sincere prayer. Not a day, God. Not one day. "For the righteous man shall live by faith..." Hab.2:4

consider the lilies...

"Therefore, I tell you to stop being perpetually uneasy about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on...Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add a single moment to the span of your life? And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they never toil nor spin...but if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you. O you of little faith?" (Matt. 6:25-30). For as far back as I can remember, I have admired the stately and elegant Calla Lily Flower. I don't remember the first time I laid eyes on one, but I do know that when I did it trumped all other flowers for me. Something about the grand sturdy stem and the single shapely bloom spoke to me of strength and dignity, beauty and delicacy. It is, and I assume will remain, my very favorite flower. In recent days God has brought my attention to the previous verses and despite having read them many times before I had never really given much thought to the lily part. You know those moments when it seems as if God takes a neon-yellow Sharpie to the printed pages of your Bible and you sit up and take notice, it was like that. "Consider the lilies"...I found myself staring at the faux Calla Lily bloom that stands tall in an slender glass vase beside my bed. "To consider" means to think thoroughly through the process of something. I began to imagine the seedling this grand flower once was, not being a botanist myself, I did my best to envision the underground sprouting process and the moment it finally pushes the earth out of its way to see the light of day. I imagine it drinking in the early morning dew and savoring the life-giving rays of sun until it attains splendid maturity. "Consider the lilies"....they don't toil or spin, they don't labor or make schedules, they don't stress and attempt to manage their pending futures, "Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence, excellence, dignity, and grace was not arrayed like one of these." (Mt.6:29) From seed to stunning flower, Jesus Himself was reminding us that if the Father cares enough to tend to what grows in a field, how much more will He take care of that which was created by His hands and born of His heart? Worry has no power to add a single moment of time to our life span, on the contrary, the all-consuming anxious thoughts eat away and erode the peace that He has intended to guard our hearts and minds. I do not take this lesson lightly and neither do I share it flippantly. From one who is, in the natural sense, currently without a sure income, I am challenged to my core to NOT be one "of little faith". I have been given the divine opportunity to take Him at His word and to trust Him with every intricate fiber of my being. And really isn't that what we're all called to do? If He is our Sufficiency, if He is our Provider, if He is I AM, then our stability and security must only be drawn from Him. Our steady employment, our savings accounts, our possessions and family, these can all be great but they can not be what we're putting our stock in. Circumstances change and will. God, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is our Constant, our Security, our Stability and our Safety. He is our Rock and it takes faith to allow Him to be so. In trusting Him, we must lean in ALL things and at ALL times- in the times of circumstantial steadiness and, yes, in times of shifting sand. "Therefore do not worry and be anxious...but seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given unto you. So don't worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." (Mt.6:34) Grace, like manna, is given to be gathered for THIS day. We're not promised a tomorrow to even be fretting over, we're given a today and asked to have faith in it. Consider the lilies...

...so I will be with you

Recently I was encouraged to read Joshua 1 and have done several times now. This morning as I reread this portion of Scripture needing to remind myself to be strong and very courageous, I remained stuck on some of the first few words in God's address to Joshua. I realize now how much I was overlooking and not hearing in these verses because I'd previously skimmed over that part. God says to Joshua, "As I was with Moses, so will I be with you." I'd read it before and surely had thought that was great but I don't think I quite got exactly what God was saying here. Just like with Moses-in the same ways He was made known in the life of Moses, God was promising He would be with Joshua and subsequently us as well. The words, "as I was" seemed to be magnifying themselves this time and I began to ponder all the many ways God had been with Moses- even from infant hood. I realized quickly that My Teacher was trying to illuminate my deeper understanding of these words. I spent the next couple hours pouring over just the first few chapters of Exodus. What I discovered was more than enough to stir my faith and bring another level of divine peace to my soul. I began by being reminded of how God shielded baby Moses from a declaration of death and placed him in a palace where he was raised by royalty. Years later, after covering up a murderous mistake, he fled from home. It was in Midian where he simply sat at a well to rest that a seemingly insignificant act shaped his future destiny. While at the well he simply helped some women water their flock, which led to him being provided for in Jethro's house. Basic provision, housing and eventually a wife were found even while attempting to run away. And it was his employment as a simple shepherd for Jethro's flocks that led him to the backside of the wilderness. All moments of his life, all paths he'd taken, all choices he'd made, brought him by the divine hand of God to this precise place in his destiny. It's not everyday one encounters a bush that's burning, but not. I don't presume to know if Moses had been looking that day to encounter God or not, Scripture offers no insight. What I do recognize in this portion of Exodus is that Moses recognized this phenomenon for what it was- a divine encounter with I AM. Scripture tells us he turned and heard God's voice speak. He took off his sandals as instructed and walked on holy ground. He was chosen and given a clear mandate to go and bring the Israelites out of captivity. He was given a promise from God that He'd be with him and was granted open dialogue with the Creator of the universe. He was given God's word, His name, His promises, authority, and a clear and very precise play by play on what would occur when Moses went to Pharaoh. To top it all off, Moses was told he'd be given respect, favor,and prosperity; that he'd not leave empty-handed but would strip the Egyptians of their belongings! As I put my Bible and notepad down, I was literally overwhelmed by the amount of material in just a few short "chapters" of one life. Then just as quickly as I'd set my things down, I began pondering my very own life and how in just as few chapters of my own story there too is so much to acknowledge. What an incredible story He's written in my life-how faithful, how loving, how providing...and the story isn't over yet! Yes, we can find great strength in recalling how you "were with Moses", but I find the greatest flood of gratitude and expectation in knowing that You've made such a hope-filled oath in also saying to us, to me, "so I WILL BE with you..."

puzzle pieces...

must write...must write...sitting here waiting for the pieces of my soon-to-be-new life to come together. Like sitting directly next to someone doing an enormous jigsaw puzzle and not being able to help. I know it's God's puzzle to do, not mine. I know He doesn't want or need my help as pieces are carefully laid in perfect place. I know He already sees the picture in its entirety. Why is it then that I find I must sit on my hands in order to refrain from interfering? Why is it such a painful struggle to keep myself from reaching across His strong trustworthy arms, grabbing the tiny pieces, and jammimg them into place myself? What fears and anxieties are screaming inaudibly from within? Do I believe Him when He says He has a plan? Do I trust He knows what He's doing? Do I trust Him? If I'm not willing to face these questions, I am not willing to face truth and as I know it is the truth and only the truth that truly sets us free. God, You are the great Puzzle-Put-Togetherer, teach me, remind me, and help me to trust You and to simply enjoy watching You work. Teach me to be still, to let go, to stop interfering, to stop hampering and hindering and to know and recognize and understand fully that You are God and I am not...

My hands, His hands...

To quote a song, "It's well past midnight and I'm awake with questions that won't wait for daylight..." This seems to be the time of day when my thoughts, or my God, or a blaring combination of the two, keep me awake to ponder in the dark stillness of the early (way too early) morning. Sitting quietly, I'm reflecting quite soberly on a portion of a word that God gave me in a time of ministry yesterday. "I see you bursting forth, a water spout at full pressure. Until now there's been a hand on the spout only allowing minimal flow, controlling and hindering the water pressure." The minister went on to loose this hand, confirming that God wanted the unhindered ability to flow out from me as a river of living water. What God wasn't showing them (and what I later shared) was the truth He was simultaneously revealing to me. I did, in fact, know exactly whose hand was and has most often been on that spout-mine! The common saying is "we are our own worst enemy" and in many cases I'd have to agree. Of course I'd like to blame-shift as much as the next guy but, truth-be-told, my own self-sabotage has cost me just as much, if not more, as anything the devil has himself done to me. Now I understand, he gets his wormy, wily self in our business and influences us. To simply pin it on him, however, to simply say "the devil made me do it", is to often give him more credit than he's due and a cop out of my own personal responsibility. No doubt , my self-sabotage has for the most part been unintentional, but to a certain degree it's also been a vicious and prideful attempt to control my own life. It is with these painful thoughts that I wrestle on this early (again, far too early) morning. Having dedicated my entire life to genuinely and consistently living surrendered to God's will and purposes, this reality of my own hand hindering and holding me back brings me to my literal knees. Be it fear of the unknown, a lack of trust, vile self-will, insecurity, or a stifling "stew" of these paralyzing ingredients, the truth is I have gotten in my own way. More so, I have gotten in God's way. The additional truth here is, this is not how I want to or will live out the rest of my days. Because of it's nature, there is always a level of trepidation that comes with the unknown, but I will loosen my grip because God has given to me power, love, and a sound mind. I will pry my fingers off my life's "water spout" because I know...I KNOW...I can trust Him. As for self-will and insecurity, I see now these are evil twins rooted in the prideful mind game that believes my opinion somehow outweighs His truth. I will humble myself before my God where I'll allow myself to receive the grace He eagerly gives. As I do, I see the picture changes. It is His hands I can see now on the spout- strong, capable, familiar hands that move with steady purpose. This is how it is meant to be. I find myself easing into a calm and still peace. I know full well that His hands are up to something and I am overjoyed they are....

the wind and waves still know...

At a prayer service last night a song played I'd not heard before. I strained to catch the lyrics as it was playing softly in background and caught just this line, something I've been meditating on since... "Be still my soul, the wind and waves still know His voice" In Matthew 8, we read the account of Jesus and His disciples on a boat when, "suddenly a violent storm arose" (Mt.8:24) The disciples in panic and fear wake Jesus who'd been sleeping soundly despite the tumultuous circumstances. His response then, are the same words He speaks today to our fearful hearts. "Why are you so timid and afraid, O you of little faith? Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great and wonderful calm (a perfect peaceableness). "The wind and waves still know His voice." Over two-thousand years ago The Prince of Peace spoke into raging waters telling them to cease their frantic stirrings-and they did! Just like that! The very same God who spoke the deep waters into existence, stood in a heaving boat, looked over the side, and ordered those same waters into utter tranquility. And they still know and recognize His voice- the circumstances that threaten to capsize us as we travel with and for The Lord are still under His command. He is still the Great Storm- Silencer. He is I AM. In the moments of sheer terror or nausea we experience in life- waves coming up over the side of the boat, dark and threatening skies looming above, may we be reminded as I was, that His voice is still enough to hush even the harshest of situations and bring a great and wonderful calm, yes, a perfect peaceableness. "When the oceans rage and thunders roll, I will soar with You above the storm. Father You are King over the flood. I WILL be still and know You are God!" (Hillsong)

no matter what

Sitting at the computer this morning, while the sun had yet to come up, I wondered why it'd been so long since my last entry and why, more importantly, was I up at 4a.m.!??? But in that moment of introspection I found myself overwhelmed with a deep sense of thankfulness for even being awake...for being alive, and for really living this life and not just allowing it to pass drearily by. And In the wake of a week best described as heavy ...emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I still find the surfacing feeling that encompasses my heart to be real, authentic gratitude. On my "worst of days" I take solace in knowing and understanding that each and every circumstance that has been allowed by God in my life has purpose. I am comforted to know that I face nothing alone. And I am encouraged to know that in my moments of ever-waning human strength, His grace is far more than sufficient and that is reason enough to rejoice in another day, no matter what it brings!