No, I do not mean WEIGHT, read on...
Those close to me know that I am on a continual journey of transformation, not to BECOME something but to UNBECOME everything I'm not. See the broken me, the imbalanced me, the fat me...is not the REAL me. The real me is free, confident, and at home in her skin. The real me is a role model for health--Spirit, Soul, and Body. And the real me is CONTENT.
I used to hear that word and equate it to the resulting feeling that follows giving up or simply settling for less. It's a word I thought was "fine" but definitely not one to strive for. Until, that is, I found myself grievously DISCONTENT with my life. Oh it was subtle at first, and certainly hard to detect. It began with what I believe was and is a God-given desire and hope left unfulfilled that I then allowed to morph into a mild obsession...(meaning at times it was all I could think about).
I knew I was off-balanced but I'd set my eyes and heart on obtaining what I believed would bring me happiness and it was hard to adjust my gaze. The problem was, the more I placed my longing in what I seemingly could not have, the more disheartened, disquieted, and discontent I became. This is no way to live and it became increasingly difficult to not be offended at God, after all, I reasoned, He COULD give me what I wanted at any moment and was CHOOSING not to.
Recognizing the toxic feelings that were stewing in my heart, I took this before The Lord. I determined that I would not carry this unwanted emotional weight into 2015 either. There were no goose bumps or spiritual fireworks that day, just a steady stream of tears as I decided to choose contentment.
No, I've not "given up hope" in the defeated sense of the phrase, but I have given that hope up to my Father. I feel like I can rest now, that I can just lean into Him and stop trying to figure it out or make it happen. The reality is it's not going to look like I thought... and that's o.k. Even if I never see this desire fulfilled the way I imagined it, I have decided to remain joyfully content knowing He is good...always. His ways are higher.
Surrendering my hopes, dreams, and desires to the One who literally knows me better that I know me was the best thing I could've done. It caused me to remember that He doesn't just know what's best for me, but He can be trusted to do what's best for me and not just what I think is best for me.
And just like physical weight loss, it's not really about what you are losing at all, but what you are gaining. There was a dramatic and almost sudden shift internally. Where there had been a drive to "figure it out and make a way", (a line of thinking didn't work so well for Abram and Sarai who ended up creating an Ishmael. Read Genesis 16) there is now perfect peace. Where there had been an unseen ache, there is great joy and expectation for what lies ahead.
There is genuine contentment now... and in the WAITing for whatever is next, that is great GAIN.
"For godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain." (1 Tim. 6:6)
