And I exhale...

I woke up to the same badgering thoughts this morning that had attempted to keep me wide-eyed last night. Knotting my stomach were the very same anxious, fearful and unwelcome imaginations I had already wrestled with just a few short hours ago, and I hate it. In wearied annoyance, I felt myself inhale, clench my jaw, and tense as my still-aching head began to intensify its pounding. Relentlessly, the torrential downpour of despair began to flood my soul threatening to damage and destroy all places of peace in my heart and mind. THIS is not acceptable. In my lifetime I have forfeited far too many precious hours of life to such vile attacks. I have surrendered one too many days to such plans and schemes and this will not be one of those days.

Today I will set my mind on things above. Today I will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Today I will cast down every imagination and argument that tries to come against who God is, what His Word says, and who I KNOW Him to be. I know He will not leave me or forsake me. I know that if He cares for the flowers of the fields and the birds of the air, He cares for me. I know that He is not some distant deity unaware or neglectful of creation...He is Daddy. He is PRESENT, alert, and mindful. His heart of love beats with readiness to be Sufficiency and His voice is available to speak, "Peace. Be still!" Our Father delights to be intimately involved in the most seemingly insignificant details of our lives. He loves us and if that ever rings hollow or sounds cliche, then may we experience His love freshly and profoundly once again. He loves us! He IS Love... and it is adhering to the truth that He so loves us that stabilizes us when storm-tossed. "There is no fear in love [dread does not exist] but full-grown, complete, perfect love casts out fear and expels every trace of terror" (1 John 4:18)

To continue to allow myself to be perpetually uneasy is to forfeit the gift of perfect peace He gives when my mind is fixed on Him and lures me away from the safety of His arms. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [whose power no foe can withstand]. I will say of the Lord, HE is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I confidently trust!" (Psalm 91:1-2) Today Lord, You are my Solid Rock, my Anchor, my Strong Tower, and my Firm Foundation and by Your grace and strength I shall not be moved! You thrill my heart with Your still small voice and once again I am infused with peace that surpasses all understanding and a bubbling joy that is my sustaining strength. Tension is replaced by truth and stress is eradicated by Your presence. "In the multitude of my anxious thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!" (Ps. 94:19) And I exhale...

I don't need to know...

"God has wisely kept us in the dark concerning future events and reserved for Himself the knowledge of them, that He may train us up in a dependence upon Himself and a continued readiness for every event."(Matthew Henry) I spent some time meditating on this quote this morning and soon after I picked up where I'd left off in the book of Revelation. I absolutely love it when God somehow directly addresses the thoughts of your heart through His Word. Revelation chapter ten refers to the message John heard but was not to record as, "God's mystery, His secret design, His hidden purpose". The words leapt off the page and quietly stilled my soul as I was lovingly reminded that some things are simply "none of my business".

In truth, I am someone who wants to know EVERYTHING when it comes to what God is doing and why He's doing it this way instead of that way, and when He's going to do it, and how and where and... and... and ... Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things He graciously does reveal in whispers of revelations and that itself blows me away! To realize that GOD, THE I AM cares to ever share intimacies with me is both profoundly humbling and mind-blowing, but honestly there are things He just does not show or tell us now. These mysteries and designs and plans and purposes are shielded from our knowledge and apparently sometimes surrender is simply releasing the "right" or "need" to know. At least for this human, this has not been an easy lesson learned.

There are still days that I must resemble more of a crazed desperate woman approaching Him, than a trusting child. There are still days when the desire to know what the heck is going on threatens to push me to the brink of near emotional and mental insanity. Knowing God, however, is knowing that He is the God of the "even when" moments. He is God "even when" all hell is literally breaking loose, He is God "even when" chaos is seemingly reigning, He is God "even when" it appears He is absent or distant or silent. And He is God who DOES indeed have an intricately designed will for His children that is good. He is God who has reasons and purpose in all things, ALL things. And He is God who is able to take whatever the enemy means for our evil and USE it for our good. (Gen. 50:20) To know Him is to know these truths and to remind ourselves frequently enough of them that they are the concrete anchors for our soul day to day.

There WILL BE days when the treacherous waters of questions will threaten to overtake and drown us, but it is our dependence on God and who we KNOW Him to be that will keep us afloat. I don't need to know the plans to know He does indeed have plans. I don't need to know His reasons to know He has them. As much as I may WANT to know, knowing that He knows what He's doing has got to be decidedly enough. "For I know the plans I have for you, says The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) That, God, IS enough and today I surrender to Your will...again. It is more than enough to know that You love me and that You will NEVER leave me and that YOU KNOW the plans. I don't need to know...

everything will be okay...

"So tell me that You'll never leave and everything will be okay..." Listening to these lyrics yesterday had me determinedly and discreetly wiping away tears from my stinging eyes. The strong and tangible presence of God was ministering to my heart and I resisted. It isn't (entirely) the presence of other people and their perception of me that causes me to retreat, it is predominantly due to my own warped views of what I deem weakness. Wanting simply to survive childhood with something of myself in tact, I was taught by trauma to be tough and guarded, suspicious and distrusting. I would not be vulnerable. I would not be broken. Submission was a dirty word that made me cringe. I had determined early on that to be strong is to be void of all visible emotion and I'd do my best not to put on public display what was private. I am admittedly my harshest critic and have knowingly treated myself with all the grace of a drill-sergeant and this instance was no exception.

Truth is, I am destructively harsh on myself. Painfully, I have come to see that I myself have continued a cycle of abuse in my life, something not easily admitted. I have silently and viciously assaulted myself repeatedly over the years. I have mentally and emotionally and verbally berated myself for simply being human, for being an emotional female, and too often for simply being me. The painful irony is that I can't stand and can hardly tolerate this in others, especially women. I am often the first to demand that a woman not apologize for being who she authentically is, in her most real and raw form. I hear my voice say, "your tears are beautiful" to others, yet not the dialogue or grace I extend myself, after all, "I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel like this." I get that we as Believers are not to be led by our feelings, I absolutely do not dispute that. Being led and controlled by feelings is not only immature, it's a highly dangerous road to travel. But I also know that hiding, burying, and sweeping them under the rug in no way brings freedom. Freedom from darkness comes when exposure to Light happens.

God understands that the abandonment I experienced as a child STILL causes me to sometimes treat Him with the same distrust as any other man I encounter, but He doesn't deserve that. I understand it is in our weakness that the strength of God is perfected, but I find myself loathing my weakness more often than unloading it and I want to change. This armor protected that innocent girl, but suffocates the woman I am. So, maybe God doesn't need my dry eyes, brave face, squared shoulders and my jutted-out chin all the time. Maybe He doesn't need me to appear tough and fierce and strong all the time. Maybe I can just be His little girl. Truth is, right now there are a lot of things that I'm unsure of, scared of, and anxious for. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if someone cares to judge me or condemn me for admitting this that's understandable, but I have decided that I can NOT do that to myself anymore! I'll drop the first stone. I'm greatly flawed and highly imperfect but also fiercely loved. And miraculously it's admitting my great weakness and need for Him that ironically becomes the place where I am truly MADE strong and courageous. I am undone and exposed and needy. My heart is cautious but it's also open and responsive and I am asking Him to strengthen me to keep it that way. I'm that little girl all over again who hears His voice speaking through her fear, "Trust me and let me love you. I'll never leave you, I promise. I'll never forsake you and I refuse to fail you. I'll NEVER leave, breathe. Everything will be okay..."

It makes all the difference...

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be people perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4) Over the years I'm sure I've read or heard these words from James thousands of times. Often in moments of desperation and distress, anguish, frustration and fear, it is these words that I've clung to. I've come to understand that there are circumstances-sometimes hellish, incomprehensible circumstances- that we may go through and no amount of human explanation as to "why" is sufficient to ease the grief of heart we experience. I've also come to know God. I know Him intimately and He knows me. I know His character, His ways and His will. I may not know Him fully, but a day doesn't pass that I don't grow to know Him increasingly more. He is committed to revealing Himself to me as I seek to know Him. As I've come to know Him, I've come to understand His heart and that He does nothing without purpose. Nothing. I may not perceive His reasons behind certain circumstances, I may not agree with His will or like it, BUT having chosen Him, I've given up the right to rule and reign over my life. Surrendering to His will and what He allows is submitting to the whole plan, not just the parts I want to.

I'm certain we've all been tempted to wish away gut-wrenching seasons and painful struggles...we're human! Yet, it is those very life-altering moments that God can use to shape and refine us. I love how James wastes no time in his letter getting to the point, pulling no punches. In the face of adversity we need someone to tell us such soul-anchoring truth. Jesus Himself told us, "In this world you'll have trouble....BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) James didn't deny the reality of trials for the believer, Jesus didn't make any promises of a life unscathed, but neither did they leave us without hope. The God-breathed words they shared whisper "Hope!" into moments of silent agony and shout "Peace!" into chaotic frenzy.

In my own version of James chapter one I've often had to firmly remind myself with similar words, "Look you're going to go through stuff that you'll feel you can't possibly survive. Think of it as an OPPORTUNITY and chose to be joyful. There's a lot of purpose in it. God has His reasons-reasons He may or may not reveal to you-trust Him! Instead of wasting your time asking "why God?", use your energy to keep yourself stable and fixed in Him and submit to all He wants to do in you and through you in this hardship. It won't be easy so don't be surprised by how weak you may feel at times. In your weakness don't sin and don't allow yourself to give up. Remember it is in your weakness that His strength is made perfect. Hold onto hope and press through. If you can hold on in this way, I promise you that eventually you'll be stronger, healthier, and more alive than ever before. Your faith will increase...and the greatest truth is that you'll know Him more after you pass through this than you did before. If this is the road to maturity and growth and lacking nothing, stay on it and walk with courage. He's for you and He refuses to fail you, what more could you ask for? You're going to look back one day and hardly recognize the person you were before you weathered this storm. The choice of joy changes you...no it doesn't usually change the circumstances, but it changes how you react and respond to them and I promise you it makes all the difference..."

an otherwise ordinary Monday...

After a time of prayer for what I deemed rather "immediate" needs this morning, I picked up my Bible eager to start where I'd left off yesterday. Instantly the words grabbed my attention as God has been teaching me most recently about functioning in assurance of faith. "And since we positively know He listens to us in whatever we ask, we also know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have granted us as our PRESENT possessions the requests made of Him."( 1 John 5:15 AMP) As I sat chewing on these words, wanting them to root themselves in my heart's soil, I sensed God wanting to expound and so I quickly grabbed my pen and notebook and recorded what I heard Him speak. "Because your finite mind is bound by and exceedingly conscious of time, you pray in a manner that suggests that I too am confined in this way. I am NOT. Your answers PREEXIST their manifestation in earthly and human realms. You presently possess your requests!" Marinating in such weighty words, my head instantly began aching. In my created state, I am acutely aware that I lack the intellectual capacity to process all that my Father has said. Truth is, I am far too human to mentally ascend to such lofty concepts. As I marveled at what He had shared, the truth began to saturate my open heart. I AM bound and finite in my thinking. I AM far too exceedingly conscious of this time-realm I exist in. Admittedly, the constraining circumstances of life do sometimes get the better of me and can lead and lure me to approach God in desperation. It IS far too true that the "urgency" I feel to pray is often fueled by pending and looming circumstances and not simply and purely as a responsive act of love. I am saddened by the gripping truth that my own words and phrases would ever, in some unintended way, accuse God of being limited. I am, at the same time, ecstatic that He loves me so emphatically as to take the time to realign me with His truth. He is the unrestricted, uninhibited God Almighty. He is not now, nor has He ever been, limited in power. He is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. As God repositions me within this colossal truth of who He is, I honestly still struggle and wrestle to have an "unwavering faith"- the kind that hopes and believes and expects as reality things that are not yet seen but already true. Yet, I believe. I pray daily, aware of my own fleshly limitations, for an ever-increasing capacity to believe, to truly live convinced of and adhering to the promises of God. I desire to live in a way that pleases and thrills Him! "For without faith it is impossible to please God." (Heb. 11:6) In theory, I know that it was God Himself who destroyed the partition that separated He and I and that He longs for me to draw close to Him sure of who He is. I find the invitation to approach the throne of grace boldly and confidently alluring, and yet, there are still days I come timidly and unsure. As my head swims and my awakened heart replies, "help me God", I decidedly trust Him to tend to and bring to fruition these seeds of truth He has so lovingly planted in my heart on an otherwise ordinary Monday...