I am a self-confessed lover of "to do" lists. I love everything about them, maybe too much. I enjoy the calculated thought process almost as much as I enjoy the actual act of putting pen to crisp paper, but I love nothing greater about them than the feeling of drawing a line of completion through each individual task. Anyone who can relate is sure to have a great number of notepads and Post-Its nearby, as well as plenty of pens always handy. List writing is a continual,rotating process as there is always a non-stop flow of things to do and things done, but a hardcore list-maker finds this productive not frustrating.
Driving to a meeting Monday morning, I began to mentally make one such list for the week ahead. Midway through my thought process, I was interrupted by a Holy Spirit thought..."what if you began today not with your "to do" list but a "to BE" list. As I allowed this word to settle in my spirit, something in me was stirred to respond, "Today, I plan to BE...selfless, loving, generous, peaceful, joyful, life-giving, content, inspiring, obedient, attentive and responsive to the voice of God, and on, and on, and on...
Because of this brief Monday morning encounter,my days this week have started and ended differently . And although I will forever be a maker of "to do" lists,writing them will no longer be #1 on that list,for as we're often reminded, we are human BEINGS before we are human DOINGS. So,that said,what's on your "to BE" list??? Selah...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
He delights to heal...
A little too much "Power Yoga" and I found myself left not quite so bendy. A little ice, a little recouping and I went from sore to in serious pain. I have been no stranger to back pain and have a diagnosis that is less than stellar when it comes to the medical state of my back. I do not deny the reality of this, but I do chose to, however, walk in the healing already attained for me through Christ. So to find myself in severe pain and slightly disabled yet AGAIN left me frustrated and angry...with myself...
As I said, I fully believe in the completed work of the cross and I know that it is by His stripes I am healed. I walk by this faith and have experienced His manifested healing in my own body more times than I can count (many times my back) and have witnessed literally thousands of people at a time receive miraculous healings. God is The Healer and He STILL heals...these things I know. My frustration came in feeling that I keep making myself "unhealed" and seriously wondering if this frustrates my Healer. I know, in retrospect, this sounds ridiculous but the only "dad" I knew always seemed bothered/frustrated by my existence so I can STILL revert to wrongly associating my Father with what I've known. Honestly, I didn't even really realize I had been grasping onto this "stinkin thinkin" until it was revealed to me, not through a correcting/condemning word, but through an affirmation of His love...
I decided I had tolerated enough of the pain that I had "earned" through my zealous working out and asked Him what to do about it. There are many good and practical things one can do for a back injury and believe me throughout the past eight years I have tried many (ironically including the working out to lose extra weight)and so I was prepared for whatever direction He gave. He led me to His Word-"Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up" (James 5:14) As a "mature Christian" my pride and foolishness began arguing with God that I should be able to "get healed" on my own...(I later wondered where it says THAT in the Bible). Now, I'm not saying we can't be healed alone, we can, I have...but if God's Word leads you to an act of obedient faith, especially after asking Him to do so, we (I) ought to learn to pay attention. So I did...
After a meeting at my Pastor's house I humbled myself and asked for prayer. They anointed me with oil, laid hands on me and the first words out of my Pastor's mouth were, "He delights to heal you". Not, "He is frustrated with having to heal you AGAIN"..or, "what a bother you are to be asking AGAIN"...or, "can't you for once keep the healing I already gave you???" As I exhaled and repositioned my body, all pain melted and audible "pops" were heard as He began readjusting my body and my mind. To Him be all the glory!!!
He delights (enjoys and takes pleasure) in healing me. He delights IN US, His children. He delights to heal YOU...TODAY. And as Bill Johnson likes to say, He gives you permission to be healed right... NOW!
As I said, I fully believe in the completed work of the cross and I know that it is by His stripes I am healed. I walk by this faith and have experienced His manifested healing in my own body more times than I can count (many times my back) and have witnessed literally thousands of people at a time receive miraculous healings. God is The Healer and He STILL heals...these things I know. My frustration came in feeling that I keep making myself "unhealed" and seriously wondering if this frustrates my Healer. I know, in retrospect, this sounds ridiculous but the only "dad" I knew always seemed bothered/frustrated by my existence so I can STILL revert to wrongly associating my Father with what I've known. Honestly, I didn't even really realize I had been grasping onto this "stinkin thinkin" until it was revealed to me, not through a correcting/condemning word, but through an affirmation of His love...
I decided I had tolerated enough of the pain that I had "earned" through my zealous working out and asked Him what to do about it. There are many good and practical things one can do for a back injury and believe me throughout the past eight years I have tried many (ironically including the working out to lose extra weight)and so I was prepared for whatever direction He gave. He led me to His Word-"Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up" (James 5:14) As a "mature Christian" my pride and foolishness began arguing with God that I should be able to "get healed" on my own...(I later wondered where it says THAT in the Bible). Now, I'm not saying we can't be healed alone, we can, I have...but if God's Word leads you to an act of obedient faith, especially after asking Him to do so, we (I) ought to learn to pay attention. So I did...
After a meeting at my Pastor's house I humbled myself and asked for prayer. They anointed me with oil, laid hands on me and the first words out of my Pastor's mouth were, "He delights to heal you". Not, "He is frustrated with having to heal you AGAIN"..or, "what a bother you are to be asking AGAIN"...or, "can't you for once keep the healing I already gave you???" As I exhaled and repositioned my body, all pain melted and audible "pops" were heard as He began readjusting my body and my mind. To Him be all the glory!!!
He delights (enjoys and takes pleasure) in healing me. He delights IN US, His children. He delights to heal YOU...TODAY. And as Bill Johnson likes to say, He gives you permission to be healed right... NOW!
Monday, October 3, 2011
pigtails and His presence...
I had one of the most profound personal encounters with my Jesus this morning and I'm still in that "mesmerized-reflective" state that such an encounter will leave you in. I was attending a conference and we were encouraged to take a few moments, relax, and imagine Jesus walking towards us. I did as told and began to imagine Him approaching me, and He did... in just a few brief seconds, it stopped being simply my imagination and became a supernatural encounter that just blew me away!
I began to experience a vision of Jesus walking towards me, taking my hair down and putting it in pigtails. (Which confirmed a word shared during a night of prayer this week about God seeing us ladies as His little girls- pigtails, pretty dresses and all.) I began to try and tell Him that "He knew I always hated being a little girl..." and all the reasons why, but I couldn't speak. He leaned over, whispering in my ear "Kimmy". Again I tried to speak, angrier than before, and tell Him that I despised that name. And again I could articulate no words. He grabbed my hand and in that instant, EVERY trace of that anger disintegrated...
He began to skip and because He had my hand, I went along. He took me to a flower garden. As He opened the gate, we were sucked in like a vacuum by the irresistible beauty. My senses heightened as I encountered the colors, scents, and even songs of the lush growth. Flowers I'd never seen in any location or book engulfed us. It was truly breath-taking. There was a radiance that pulsed from each blossom and the air was an intoxicating, sweet perfume...
We approached a low bench, with room for only one. He sat and instinctively I sat on His lap, looked up at Him in sheer joy, exhaled, and laid my head on His chest. As soon as I did, I became aware that I had "melted" into Him and He and I were now one. He began to point out the awe-inspiring beauty of our surroundings and laying there with my eyes peacefully shut I agreed. Then, drawing my attention, He looked me in the soul and began to speak words I have "heard" many many times before but this time I received them as truth, and it set me utterly free at a level I can't even begin to describe... "You are exceedingly more radiant (than these flowers). Your fragrance overwhelms My heart, allures, and captivates my attention. The sound of your being, your very presence, fills My ears and brings My heart joy." I was rendered, yet again, speechless...
Then together, we began to observe this one particularly magnificent flower bud begin to slowly blossom as if responding to some divine invitation to do so. We were totally captivated and overjoyed at the simple process as petal after petal began to stretch outward and upwards. "Kim, do the same. I love it. Open up to me. I love your blooming. You are altogether lovely." And I felt my heart responding and releasing its unveiled beauty. And I, His beloved daughter, sat there basking in His affirmation, thankful to be in pigtails and His presence...
I began to experience a vision of Jesus walking towards me, taking my hair down and putting it in pigtails. (Which confirmed a word shared during a night of prayer this week about God seeing us ladies as His little girls- pigtails, pretty dresses and all.) I began to try and tell Him that "He knew I always hated being a little girl..." and all the reasons why, but I couldn't speak. He leaned over, whispering in my ear "Kimmy". Again I tried to speak, angrier than before, and tell Him that I despised that name. And again I could articulate no words. He grabbed my hand and in that instant, EVERY trace of that anger disintegrated...
He began to skip and because He had my hand, I went along. He took me to a flower garden. As He opened the gate, we were sucked in like a vacuum by the irresistible beauty. My senses heightened as I encountered the colors, scents, and even songs of the lush growth. Flowers I'd never seen in any location or book engulfed us. It was truly breath-taking. There was a radiance that pulsed from each blossom and the air was an intoxicating, sweet perfume...
We approached a low bench, with room for only one. He sat and instinctively I sat on His lap, looked up at Him in sheer joy, exhaled, and laid my head on His chest. As soon as I did, I became aware that I had "melted" into Him and He and I were now one. He began to point out the awe-inspiring beauty of our surroundings and laying there with my eyes peacefully shut I agreed. Then, drawing my attention, He looked me in the soul and began to speak words I have "heard" many many times before but this time I received them as truth, and it set me utterly free at a level I can't even begin to describe... "You are exceedingly more radiant (than these flowers). Your fragrance overwhelms My heart, allures, and captivates my attention. The sound of your being, your very presence, fills My ears and brings My heart joy." I was rendered, yet again, speechless...
Then together, we began to observe this one particularly magnificent flower bud begin to slowly blossom as if responding to some divine invitation to do so. We were totally captivated and overjoyed at the simple process as petal after petal began to stretch outward and upwards. "Kim, do the same. I love it. Open up to me. I love your blooming. You are altogether lovely." And I felt my heart responding and releasing its unveiled beauty. And I, His beloved daughter, sat there basking in His affirmation, thankful to be in pigtails and His presence...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Hiding In Plain Sight...
Always one to rouse a crowd, share a thought, laugh out loud, I had always considered myself rather out-going. I never shy away from public humiliation for the sake of a good laugh (being in youth ministry provided many such opportunities) or a chance to perform for an audience. Laughter was the greatest form of applause and affirmation and I have always enjoyed making folks smile. And although, there is certainly nothing wrong with this necessarily, God began to reveal to me the truth was, I was hiding. I had adopted internally the mantra of "make them laugh with you, not at you." So insecure about my value as merely me, I had somehow come to believe that this was the only "me" others would approve of.
For much of the past several months, God has repeatedly reminded me that I was not created to hide who I am and He has been causing me to emerge from within myself. It is both terrifying and exhilarating to introduce yourself to a world full of people who thought they already knew you, it is eye-opening to discover for yourself who you truly are, and it is breath-taking to experience the validating love of God as he affirms that it's good to (finally) "see" you.
I am more than the rowdy character at game night, and although she is a blast, she is only part of who I am. I, like every woman, have many intricate, complex, and stunning layers and they are worthy of sharing. And I am blessed to be part of a community of amazing people where that is not only welcomed, but celebrated! I am excited for what the future holds, and desire to allow the glory of who God is to be radiantly displayed through all I am even if this means I must stop hiding in plain sight...
For much of the past several months, God has repeatedly reminded me that I was not created to hide who I am and He has been causing me to emerge from within myself. It is both terrifying and exhilarating to introduce yourself to a world full of people who thought they already knew you, it is eye-opening to discover for yourself who you truly are, and it is breath-taking to experience the validating love of God as he affirms that it's good to (finally) "see" you.
I am more than the rowdy character at game night, and although she is a blast, she is only part of who I am. I, like every woman, have many intricate, complex, and stunning layers and they are worthy of sharing. And I am blessed to be part of a community of amazing people where that is not only welcomed, but celebrated! I am excited for what the future holds, and desire to allow the glory of who God is to be radiantly displayed through all I am even if this means I must stop hiding in plain sight...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
In the Presence of Greatness...
Tonight I had the opportunity to glean from, and share with, some incredible women who are passionately pursuing the Lord and His call on their lives. I drove away amazed at the glimpse of God I had seen through their transparency, humor, and encouragement. There was no strife, no cattiness, no competition...only support, love, and life-giving. Tonight I was affirmed and challenged by sisters who wish only for me what they wish for themselves- an unleashing of their gifts and talents, and a fulfilling of their call- to the glory of God!
Tonight I sat in the presence of greatness, not due to titles or degrees, positions or popularity, but the greatness that is birthed from humbling yourself before God. Greatness that comes by allowing Him to lovingly unlock, by any means necessary,what was crafted within us at the moment of conception. In a few short hours, in an unassuming coffee shop, I sat in the presence of greatness and my heart is somersaulting with joy and utter gratitude for new friends and a divinely destined moment in time...
Tonight I sat in the presence of greatness, not due to titles or degrees, positions or popularity, but the greatness that is birthed from humbling yourself before God. Greatness that comes by allowing Him to lovingly unlock, by any means necessary,what was crafted within us at the moment of conception. In a few short hours, in an unassuming coffee shop, I sat in the presence of greatness and my heart is somersaulting with joy and utter gratitude for new friends and a divinely destined moment in time...
Friday, June 17, 2011
Dear Dad...
Dear Dad,
With Father's Day approaching, I found my mind instinctively wandering to thoughts of you and decided to write a letter that I know you'll never read, but feel prompted to write anyway. In years past, the annual celebration of fatherhood has come and gone with very little notice by me. Sure, there have been those melancholy moments that this time of year brings of wishing things had been different, but it wasn't, and it isn't, and that is fact.
I have often wondered what life would have been like had you stuck around. In pig-tails and faded floral sundresses, I sat fantasizing about the "real Daddy" who would come rescue me from the nightmare I couldn't seem to wake up from. But you never came and I lived as somebody else's little girl.. and thought all Daddy's were like "him". Little girls need a Daddy who is good and safe and who tells them they are pretty, we need to be some body's princess and we need a hero. I needed a hero, but you never came Dad...
But you should know that I am no longer that sad, scared, lonely little girl. I am a child of God and He is a faithful Father who loves me perfectly. He truly is the best, He is my hero! He never leaves me or forsakes me. He is there whenever I need Him, and I do need Him more and more every day. Because of Him, my jaded, mistrusting, broken heart was tenderly and painstakingly mended. Because of Him I sleep sweetly at night, His perfect love has driven out all fear! Because of Him I know that I have value and I am worthy of a pure and protecting love, that I am wanted, I am treasured,and I am loved. Because of Him,I AM FREE FROM SHAME!!! I know now that I was created on purpose for a purpose- I am not an accident...I am not discarded trash. He thinks I am beautiful, stunning really, and He tells me EVERY day...
And because of Him, I have learned the power of forgiveness. You never came to my rescue. You failed me and it broke my heart, and I forgive you Dad... I really do. Maybe you did the best you knew how to do, maybe you didn't. I forgive you either way. Maybe somewhere along the way you too were hurt or let down or unwanted, maybe you weren't. I forgive you either way. Maybe you knew what I was living through without you, maybe you didn't. I forgive you either way. On behalf of all the left-behind daughters, for all the little girls who have been abandoned,rejected,disappointed,unwanted, abused, unloved.. I forgive you Dad. I choose to let go of the hope of what could have been...Happy Father's Day wherever you are...
With Father's Day approaching, I found my mind instinctively wandering to thoughts of you and decided to write a letter that I know you'll never read, but feel prompted to write anyway. In years past, the annual celebration of fatherhood has come and gone with very little notice by me. Sure, there have been those melancholy moments that this time of year brings of wishing things had been different, but it wasn't, and it isn't, and that is fact.
I have often wondered what life would have been like had you stuck around. In pig-tails and faded floral sundresses, I sat fantasizing about the "real Daddy" who would come rescue me from the nightmare I couldn't seem to wake up from. But you never came and I lived as somebody else's little girl.. and thought all Daddy's were like "him". Little girls need a Daddy who is good and safe and who tells them they are pretty, we need to be some body's princess and we need a hero. I needed a hero, but you never came Dad...
But you should know that I am no longer that sad, scared, lonely little girl. I am a child of God and He is a faithful Father who loves me perfectly. He truly is the best, He is my hero! He never leaves me or forsakes me. He is there whenever I need Him, and I do need Him more and more every day. Because of Him, my jaded, mistrusting, broken heart was tenderly and painstakingly mended. Because of Him I sleep sweetly at night, His perfect love has driven out all fear! Because of Him I know that I have value and I am worthy of a pure and protecting love, that I am wanted, I am treasured,and I am loved. Because of Him,I AM FREE FROM SHAME!!! I know now that I was created on purpose for a purpose- I am not an accident...I am not discarded trash. He thinks I am beautiful, stunning really, and He tells me EVERY day...
And because of Him, I have learned the power of forgiveness. You never came to my rescue. You failed me and it broke my heart, and I forgive you Dad... I really do. Maybe you did the best you knew how to do, maybe you didn't. I forgive you either way. Maybe somewhere along the way you too were hurt or let down or unwanted, maybe you weren't. I forgive you either way. Maybe you knew what I was living through without you, maybe you didn't. I forgive you either way. On behalf of all the left-behind daughters, for all the little girls who have been abandoned,rejected,disappointed,unwanted, abused, unloved.. I forgive you Dad. I choose to let go of the hope of what could have been...Happy Father's Day wherever you are...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"impossible" possibilities...
To be open to God's will is to be open to "impossible" possibilities, for truly NOTHING is impossible for God. He looks to show Himself strong, to captivate us with His extravagant love, to defy all the odds, to take us by surprise,to restore hope,and to resurrect things dead and forgotten. Recently I have sensed the Lord challenging me to allow Him access to an area of my heart long-since closed off. I have felt Him inviting me to believe in the possibilities that He might just have a plan (that I have yet to figure out) that far surpasses my wildest dreams.
It is a difficult thing to come out from behind the walls that have served as protection for so long. But these walls are mere counterfeits. Only He is the Guardian and Keeper of our hearts. Yielding to the plans that He has lovingly authored means responding to His drawing and His inviting us into the place of intimate surrender. He will not pry and He will not force, but He will be patient, for He is Love.
Today I will choose to allow God continued access to my heart, trusting that He knows me infinitely better than I even know myself. Today I will resist my resistance to Him, repeatedly if necessary. Today I will come out from behind walls that are poorly constructed hiding places and grant Him the right to have His way. I sense Him ever-so-present, ready and willing to take my breath away. He is altogether stunning and I stand and will stay amazed...He is truly so much more than words could ever say!!! I will not make Him pry my tender heart open, but I hand it over willingly, open to the "impossible" possibilities that just might be in store...
It is a difficult thing to come out from behind the walls that have served as protection for so long. But these walls are mere counterfeits. Only He is the Guardian and Keeper of our hearts. Yielding to the plans that He has lovingly authored means responding to His drawing and His inviting us into the place of intimate surrender. He will not pry and He will not force, but He will be patient, for He is Love.
Today I will choose to allow God continued access to my heart, trusting that He knows me infinitely better than I even know myself. Today I will resist my resistance to Him, repeatedly if necessary. Today I will come out from behind walls that are poorly constructed hiding places and grant Him the right to have His way. I sense Him ever-so-present, ready and willing to take my breath away. He is altogether stunning and I stand and will stay amazed...He is truly so much more than words could ever say!!! I will not make Him pry my tender heart open, but I hand it over willingly, open to the "impossible" possibilities that just might be in store...
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