less and less of me...

Yesterday I celebrated a milestone weight loss goal in my trek to a healthier and stronger me. For reasons beyond genetics, I'd allowed myself the majority of my life to carry more weight than ever comfortable. This "shell", as I referred to it in my younger years, provided beneath its layers a false security I felt I could safely hide behind. As is common, even after the life-transforming power of God radically healed the reclusive wounded girl I once was, I remained trapped within walls of fat I no longer "needed". As is also typical with women, I've tried a plethora of plans and diets over the years only to quit frustrated and unsuccessful. But surrendering to the fact that this body was just my fate was never an option. It felt so disloyal to the woman inside me who had painstakingly shed years of weighty encumbrance to then sentence her to a life of physical confinement. "It is for freedom Christ set us free." (Gal. 5:1) God has not designed us to carry such weight and although my frame managed to do so, it has not been without unnecessary aches and pain. It was never intended to be this way. In the very same way that God brought healing and freedom to the heaviness of soul that caused me years of agony and affliction, He desires to lift off the heavy physical yokes too. I have found that God is truly a stellar Personal Trainer who, with our tenacious cooperation, will get results every time. Like any great coach He is committed to and concerned with the whole person. It is an injustice to who He is to say He is only mindful of our "spiritual" being. He is the God of wholeness and completeness. I am forever grateful that He is in no way content to watch His daughter live fit and healthy on the inside, but unable to function to the fullest on the outside. I am a woman who honestly has no concern for the number on the scale or the tag. Vanity and appearance could never provide enough motivation for me to skip the chocolate and hit the gym. What has finally become the catalyst for change is far more than the great desire to just look and feel better- it's the honest realization that I've been given this one lifetime to have and experience life to the fullest. I have but one trip to this planet to fulfill the plans, intentions and call of God. Just as I've purposed in my heart not to hinder the journey heavy laden and oppressed within, so too do I intend to walk free and lightly in the most literal way. So, as I said, I celebrate months of hard work and progress because it is the continuation of God's work in my life. Apart from Him, as I've come to experience multiple failed times before, I can do nothing- this I know. Cooperating with Him, however, "showing up for our sessions" so to speak, has empowered me to understand and believe that I really "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" His great love and His commitment to the entirety of who I am leaves me overwhelmed and eager for more of Him and yes, in every way possible, less and less of me!

The Source...

Lately the word assurance has been stirring in my heart as God Himself has brought it to my attention reminding me to "Be assured and to rest assured". The dictionary defines assurance as "insurance and guarantee intended to give full confidence and freedom from doubt, to cause a certainty and security." God desires that His beloved kids be and live confident, free from doubt, certain and secure. In fact we're admonished in Hebrews 10:35 not to "throw away/fling away our fearless confidence; for it shall be richly rewarded." Assurance is paramount to advancing the kingdom of God and fulfilling His will. Faith itself is defined as the "assurance that what we hope for WILL come about."(Heb.11:1) And it is truly God Himself who is this Assurance, He IS our Insurance and our Guarantee. He alone is the reason for and giver of courage, faith, surety and fearless confidence. He is Security. He is, as David wrote, Strength, Rock, Fortress, Deliverer,Refuge,Shield and High Tower. If this God is not enough to steady my sometimes shaky soul then nothing will- NOTHING. Other vices may temporarily prop and provide crutch but they are powerless in the face of any true test or need; they are unreliable, unsteady, worthless counterfeits in light of God Almighty who actively holds the cosmos in place. That which baits me to believe it has the ability to stabilize, satisfy, provide,or give comfort and solace apart from God offers a blasphemous lie. There is no lasting, authentic resource outside of God, The Source. There is no source outside THE SOURCE! "[Assurance of one's own resources or in the stability of earthly things]- these do not come from the Father but are from the world itself. And the world passes away and disappears. but he who does the will of God and carries out His purposes in his life remains forever"...1John 2:16-17

seasons change...

During a too-brief chat with a dear friend this morning our conversation turned towards the current autumn season. She, being surrounded by fall's splendid array of colors and knowing we share a love for this crisp season, was sharing about recent ways in which she had embraced and celebrated it. As far back as I can recall I have had a special affinity for fall- the colors, the smells, the crunchy leaves beneath my feet- I love it all!!! Each year I endure summer and its sweltering heat only because it is, as I see it, a precursor to fall- the most glorious of all seasons. There are pumpkin spice lattes to drink and super-snugly sweaters to pull out. Yes, I love fall...except...this year there was no filling my home with festive decor, no lighting of rusty-orange candles and purposely walking straight through the middle of a freshly raked leaf pile. I jested with my friend that I was in semi-protest and have refused to "celebrate" a season that is now no longer evident outside my windows. There are no shades of crimsons and deep orange, the palm trees and cacti have not given up their leaves in surrender to another season. Yes the temperature in the evenings has dipped a bit, but it is not fall here- not by any stretch of the imagination, or at least not by the definition that has always existed in my mind. For someone who has always both appreciated and embraced the distinct and well- defined traditional four seasons, I'm taken back a bit by what I'm experiencing. I like structure. I like the cut-and-dry predictability of winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, FALL... In a world bursting at the seems with uncertainty, I welcome what is sure and stable, familiar and comfortable. By nature I've never been a thrill-seeker who enjoys the adventure of change, especially change to the faithful and predictable routines of life. I like plans and maps and blueprints. I like checklists and calendars. And I like fall to be categorically fall. And yet, here I am. October is quickly coming to a close and it is still a forecasted 90* in Buda, TX today. As I admitted in jokes to my friend, I haven't embraced the season here. What I didn't admit was what I didn't really realize until now; my refusal to enjoy the season was largely due to the fact that it didn't look like or feel like the fall I've always known. What I was failing to see was that seasons return but they don't replicate. This is not the fall of yesteryear, this is a new season. Sure it may have familiar sights and sounds, smells and experiences, but is also an opportunity for something brand new and exciting. Longing for yesterday may only leave me missing out on today. As much as I love the autumn season and what it's always been, I am not willing to forfeit what God has planned today lamenting over what has already come and gone. With all that can change and vary from day to day and season to season, I am reminded in this moment of still reflection that I have an unchanging God. I have a God who loves me and a God who knows me. He understands that I desperately require SOMETHING stable and sure, trustworthy and solid in my life and, He is. He reminds me that HE never changes...same yesterday, today and forever. Because He knows and loves me so personally, He also knows how crucial it is that He changes things up on me as He chooses and often when I least expect it. He loves to keep me guessing, to keep me amazed and in awe, to keep me trusting. Seasons change, my friends, without our permission and sometimes without our approval. As I've found, we can resist and despise the circumstances of each season or we can rejoice and be glad in them...

my notes...

Months have passed since I've written anything. Recognizing and contemplating this fact leaves me disappointed and sad because I feel, at some level, this is a betrayal to who I am. I am an author. This is not to say I am a self-professed believer in my own literary abilities...not even slightly. It's just that hidden within the folds of who I am is this urgency, this necessity to pour out the intimacies of my heart. I have had, for as long as I have known, this kinship with words and their miraculous ability to paint on the canvas of the mind and to heal the most afflicted of souls. It is often as the letters are spilling onto the page, whether by pen or by keys, that I feel most acutely alive. Although the phrases and words have changed with time, wisdom, experiences and maturity, the subject has forever been the same; The One Great Love of My Life. Despite the varying forms that this scribing has manifested itself over time, instinctively and divinely it has always drawn me back to the simple sharing of the most definitive truth of my life- I am loved...miraculously and incomprehensibly loved. It is because of this truth that I...exist, breathe, laugh, love...write. I am My Beloved's and He is Mine. This is the epic tale that great novelists live their lives to tell and so must I. As God Himself is authoring a romance intended to captivate and consume this heart of mine, I will, in smitten response, continue to take and share my notes...