My hands, His hands...

To quote a song, "It's well past midnight and I'm awake with questions that won't wait for daylight..." This seems to be the time of day when my thoughts, or my God, or a blaring combination of the two, keep me awake to ponder in the dark stillness of the early (way too early) morning. Sitting quietly, I'm reflecting quite soberly on a portion of a word that God gave me in a time of ministry yesterday. "I see you bursting forth, a water spout at full pressure. Until now there's been a hand on the spout only allowing minimal flow, controlling and hindering the water pressure." The minister went on to loose this hand, confirming that God wanted the unhindered ability to flow out from me as a river of living water. What God wasn't showing them (and what I later shared) was the truth He was simultaneously revealing to me. I did, in fact, know exactly whose hand was and has most often been on that spout-mine! The common saying is "we are our own worst enemy" and in many cases I'd have to agree. Of course I'd like to blame-shift as much as the next guy but, truth-be-told, my own self-sabotage has cost me just as much, if not more, as anything the devil has himself done to me. Now I understand, he gets his wormy, wily self in our business and influences us. To simply pin it on him, however, to simply say "the devil made me do it", is to often give him more credit than he's due and a cop out of my own personal responsibility. No doubt , my self-sabotage has for the most part been unintentional, but to a certain degree it's also been a vicious and prideful attempt to control my own life. It is with these painful thoughts that I wrestle on this early (again, far too early) morning. Having dedicated my entire life to genuinely and consistently living surrendered to God's will and purposes, this reality of my own hand hindering and holding me back brings me to my literal knees. Be it fear of the unknown, a lack of trust, vile self-will, insecurity, or a stifling "stew" of these paralyzing ingredients, the truth is I have gotten in my own way. More so, I have gotten in God's way. The additional truth here is, this is not how I want to or will live out the rest of my days. Because of it's nature, there is always a level of trepidation that comes with the unknown, but I will loosen my grip because God has given to me power, love, and a sound mind. I will pry my fingers off my life's "water spout" because I know...I KNOW...I can trust Him. As for self-will and insecurity, I see now these are evil twins rooted in the prideful mind game that believes my opinion somehow outweighs His truth. I will humble myself before my God where I'll allow myself to receive the grace He eagerly gives. As I do, I see the picture changes. It is His hands I can see now on the spout- strong, capable, familiar hands that move with steady purpose. This is how it is meant to be. I find myself easing into a calm and still peace. I know full well that His hands are up to something and I am overjoyed they are....