It makes all the difference...

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be people perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4) Over the years I'm sure I've read or heard these words from James thousands of times. Often in moments of desperation and distress, anguish, frustration and fear, it is these words that I've clung to. I've come to understand that there are circumstances-sometimes hellish, incomprehensible circumstances- that we may go through and no amount of human explanation as to "why" is sufficient to ease the grief of heart we experience. I've also come to know God. I know Him intimately and He knows me. I know His character, His ways and His will. I may not know Him fully, but a day doesn't pass that I don't grow to know Him increasingly more. He is committed to revealing Himself to me as I seek to know Him. As I've come to know Him, I've come to understand His heart and that He does nothing without purpose. Nothing. I may not perceive His reasons behind certain circumstances, I may not agree with His will or like it, BUT having chosen Him, I've given up the right to rule and reign over my life. Surrendering to His will and what He allows is submitting to the whole plan, not just the parts I want to.

I'm certain we've all been tempted to wish away gut-wrenching seasons and painful struggles...we're human! Yet, it is those very life-altering moments that God can use to shape and refine us. I love how James wastes no time in his letter getting to the point, pulling no punches. In the face of adversity we need someone to tell us such soul-anchoring truth. Jesus Himself told us, "In this world you'll have trouble....BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) James didn't deny the reality of trials for the believer, Jesus didn't make any promises of a life unscathed, but neither did they leave us without hope. The God-breathed words they shared whisper "Hope!" into moments of silent agony and shout "Peace!" into chaotic frenzy.

In my own version of James chapter one I've often had to firmly remind myself with similar words, "Look you're going to go through stuff that you'll feel you can't possibly survive. Think of it as an OPPORTUNITY and chose to be joyful. There's a lot of purpose in it. God has His reasons-reasons He may or may not reveal to you-trust Him! Instead of wasting your time asking "why God?", use your energy to keep yourself stable and fixed in Him and submit to all He wants to do in you and through you in this hardship. It won't be easy so don't be surprised by how weak you may feel at times. In your weakness don't sin and don't allow yourself to give up. Remember it is in your weakness that His strength is made perfect. Hold onto hope and press through. If you can hold on in this way, I promise you that eventually you'll be stronger, healthier, and more alive than ever before. Your faith will increase...and the greatest truth is that you'll know Him more after you pass through this than you did before. If this is the road to maturity and growth and lacking nothing, stay on it and walk with courage. He's for you and He refuses to fail you, what more could you ask for? You're going to look back one day and hardly recognize the person you were before you weathered this storm. The choice of joy changes you...no it doesn't usually change the circumstances, but it changes how you react and respond to them and I promise you it makes all the difference..."

an otherwise ordinary Monday...

After a time of prayer for what I deemed rather "immediate" needs this morning, I picked up my Bible eager to start where I'd left off yesterday. Instantly the words grabbed my attention as God has been teaching me most recently about functioning in assurance of faith. "And since we positively know He listens to us in whatever we ask, we also know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have granted us as our PRESENT possessions the requests made of Him."( 1 John 5:15 AMP) As I sat chewing on these words, wanting them to root themselves in my heart's soil, I sensed God wanting to expound and so I quickly grabbed my pen and notebook and recorded what I heard Him speak. "Because your finite mind is bound by and exceedingly conscious of time, you pray in a manner that suggests that I too am confined in this way. I am NOT. Your answers PREEXIST their manifestation in earthly and human realms. You presently possess your requests!" Marinating in such weighty words, my head instantly began aching. In my created state, I am acutely aware that I lack the intellectual capacity to process all that my Father has said. Truth is, I am far too human to mentally ascend to such lofty concepts. As I marveled at what He had shared, the truth began to saturate my open heart. I AM bound and finite in my thinking. I AM far too exceedingly conscious of this time-realm I exist in. Admittedly, the constraining circumstances of life do sometimes get the better of me and can lead and lure me to approach God in desperation. It IS far too true that the "urgency" I feel to pray is often fueled by pending and looming circumstances and not simply and purely as a responsive act of love. I am saddened by the gripping truth that my own words and phrases would ever, in some unintended way, accuse God of being limited. I am, at the same time, ecstatic that He loves me so emphatically as to take the time to realign me with His truth. He is the unrestricted, uninhibited God Almighty. He is not now, nor has He ever been, limited in power. He is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. As God repositions me within this colossal truth of who He is, I honestly still struggle and wrestle to have an "unwavering faith"- the kind that hopes and believes and expects as reality things that are not yet seen but already true. Yet, I believe. I pray daily, aware of my own fleshly limitations, for an ever-increasing capacity to believe, to truly live convinced of and adhering to the promises of God. I desire to live in a way that pleases and thrills Him! "For without faith it is impossible to please God." (Heb. 11:6) In theory, I know that it was God Himself who destroyed the partition that separated He and I and that He longs for me to draw close to Him sure of who He is. I find the invitation to approach the throne of grace boldly and confidently alluring, and yet, there are still days I come timidly and unsure. As my head swims and my awakened heart replies, "help me God", I decidedly trust Him to tend to and bring to fruition these seeds of truth He has so lovingly planted in my heart on an otherwise ordinary Monday...

less and less of me...

Yesterday I celebrated a milestone weight loss goal in my trek to a healthier and stronger me. For reasons beyond genetics, I'd allowed myself the majority of my life to carry more weight than ever comfortable. This "shell", as I referred to it in my younger years, provided beneath its layers a false security I felt I could safely hide behind. As is common, even after the life-transforming power of God radically healed the reclusive wounded girl I once was, I remained trapped within walls of fat I no longer "needed". As is also typical with women, I've tried a plethora of plans and diets over the years only to quit frustrated and unsuccessful. But surrendering to the fact that this body was just my fate was never an option. It felt so disloyal to the woman inside me who had painstakingly shed years of weighty encumbrance to then sentence her to a life of physical confinement. "It is for freedom Christ set us free." (Gal. 5:1) God has not designed us to carry such weight and although my frame managed to do so, it has not been without unnecessary aches and pain. It was never intended to be this way. In the very same way that God brought healing and freedom to the heaviness of soul that caused me years of agony and affliction, He desires to lift off the heavy physical yokes too. I have found that God is truly a stellar Personal Trainer who, with our tenacious cooperation, will get results every time. Like any great coach He is committed to and concerned with the whole person. It is an injustice to who He is to say He is only mindful of our "spiritual" being. He is the God of wholeness and completeness. I am forever grateful that He is in no way content to watch His daughter live fit and healthy on the inside, but unable to function to the fullest on the outside. I am a woman who honestly has no concern for the number on the scale or the tag. Vanity and appearance could never provide enough motivation for me to skip the chocolate and hit the gym. What has finally become the catalyst for change is far more than the great desire to just look and feel better- it's the honest realization that I've been given this one lifetime to have and experience life to the fullest. I have but one trip to this planet to fulfill the plans, intentions and call of God. Just as I've purposed in my heart not to hinder the journey heavy laden and oppressed within, so too do I intend to walk free and lightly in the most literal way. So, as I said, I celebrate months of hard work and progress because it is the continuation of God's work in my life. Apart from Him, as I've come to experience multiple failed times before, I can do nothing- this I know. Cooperating with Him, however, "showing up for our sessions" so to speak, has empowered me to understand and believe that I really "can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" His great love and His commitment to the entirety of who I am leaves me overwhelmed and eager for more of Him and yes, in every way possible, less and less of me!

The Source...

Lately the word assurance has been stirring in my heart as God Himself has brought it to my attention reminding me to "Be assured and to rest assured". The dictionary defines assurance as "insurance and guarantee intended to give full confidence and freedom from doubt, to cause a certainty and security." God desires that His beloved kids be and live confident, free from doubt, certain and secure. In fact we're admonished in Hebrews 10:35 not to "throw away/fling away our fearless confidence; for it shall be richly rewarded." Assurance is paramount to advancing the kingdom of God and fulfilling His will. Faith itself is defined as the "assurance that what we hope for WILL come about."(Heb.11:1) And it is truly God Himself who is this Assurance, He IS our Insurance and our Guarantee. He alone is the reason for and giver of courage, faith, surety and fearless confidence. He is Security. He is, as David wrote, Strength, Rock, Fortress, Deliverer,Refuge,Shield and High Tower. If this God is not enough to steady my sometimes shaky soul then nothing will- NOTHING. Other vices may temporarily prop and provide crutch but they are powerless in the face of any true test or need; they are unreliable, unsteady, worthless counterfeits in light of God Almighty who actively holds the cosmos in place. That which baits me to believe it has the ability to stabilize, satisfy, provide,or give comfort and solace apart from God offers a blasphemous lie. There is no lasting, authentic resource outside of God, The Source. There is no source outside THE SOURCE! "[Assurance of one's own resources or in the stability of earthly things]- these do not come from the Father but are from the world itself. And the world passes away and disappears. but he who does the will of God and carries out His purposes in his life remains forever"...1John 2:16-17

seasons change...

During a too-brief chat with a dear friend this morning our conversation turned towards the current autumn season. She, being surrounded by fall's splendid array of colors and knowing we share a love for this crisp season, was sharing about recent ways in which she had embraced and celebrated it. As far back as I can recall I have had a special affinity for fall- the colors, the smells, the crunchy leaves beneath my feet- I love it all!!! Each year I endure summer and its sweltering heat only because it is, as I see it, a precursor to fall- the most glorious of all seasons. There are pumpkin spice lattes to drink and super-snugly sweaters to pull out. Yes, I love fall...except...this year there was no filling my home with festive decor, no lighting of rusty-orange candles and purposely walking straight through the middle of a freshly raked leaf pile. I jested with my friend that I was in semi-protest and have refused to "celebrate" a season that is now no longer evident outside my windows. There are no shades of crimsons and deep orange, the palm trees and cacti have not given up their leaves in surrender to another season. Yes the temperature in the evenings has dipped a bit, but it is not fall here- not by any stretch of the imagination, or at least not by the definition that has always existed in my mind. For someone who has always both appreciated and embraced the distinct and well- defined traditional four seasons, I'm taken back a bit by what I'm experiencing. I like structure. I like the cut-and-dry predictability of winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, FALL... In a world bursting at the seems with uncertainty, I welcome what is sure and stable, familiar and comfortable. By nature I've never been a thrill-seeker who enjoys the adventure of change, especially change to the faithful and predictable routines of life. I like plans and maps and blueprints. I like checklists and calendars. And I like fall to be categorically fall. And yet, here I am. October is quickly coming to a close and it is still a forecasted 90* in Buda, TX today. As I admitted in jokes to my friend, I haven't embraced the season here. What I didn't admit was what I didn't really realize until now; my refusal to enjoy the season was largely due to the fact that it didn't look like or feel like the fall I've always known. What I was failing to see was that seasons return but they don't replicate. This is not the fall of yesteryear, this is a new season. Sure it may have familiar sights and sounds, smells and experiences, but is also an opportunity for something brand new and exciting. Longing for yesterday may only leave me missing out on today. As much as I love the autumn season and what it's always been, I am not willing to forfeit what God has planned today lamenting over what has already come and gone. With all that can change and vary from day to day and season to season, I am reminded in this moment of still reflection that I have an unchanging God. I have a God who loves me and a God who knows me. He understands that I desperately require SOMETHING stable and sure, trustworthy and solid in my life and, He is. He reminds me that HE never changes...same yesterday, today and forever. Because He knows and loves me so personally, He also knows how crucial it is that He changes things up on me as He chooses and often when I least expect it. He loves to keep me guessing, to keep me amazed and in awe, to keep me trusting. Seasons change, my friends, without our permission and sometimes without our approval. As I've found, we can resist and despise the circumstances of each season or we can rejoice and be glad in them...

my notes...

Months have passed since I've written anything. Recognizing and contemplating this fact leaves me disappointed and sad because I feel, at some level, this is a betrayal to who I am. I am an author. This is not to say I am a self-professed believer in my own literary abilities...not even slightly. It's just that hidden within the folds of who I am is this urgency, this necessity to pour out the intimacies of my heart. I have had, for as long as I have known, this kinship with words and their miraculous ability to paint on the canvas of the mind and to heal the most afflicted of souls. It is often as the letters are spilling onto the page, whether by pen or by keys, that I feel most acutely alive. Although the phrases and words have changed with time, wisdom, experiences and maturity, the subject has forever been the same; The One Great Love of My Life. Despite the varying forms that this scribing has manifested itself over time, instinctively and divinely it has always drawn me back to the simple sharing of the most definitive truth of my life- I am loved...miraculously and incomprehensibly loved. It is because of this truth that I...exist, breathe, laugh, love...write. I am My Beloved's and He is Mine. This is the epic tale that great novelists live their lives to tell and so must I. As God Himself is authoring a romance intended to captivate and consume this heart of mine, I will, in smitten response, continue to take and share my notes...

by faith...

During a conversation just moments ago, I heard spill from my spirit and out of my mouth "I don't wanna wake a day that doesn't require great faith to make it through". As I scribbled it down and began to contemplate what I had really just said, I was struck by how sure and how forthright it had come out. This season of my life and recent circumstances combined have thrust me into living in an entirely new dimension of faith, a new "level". And to the surprise of a girl who has always favored comfort, security, and stability to adventure, risk and the unknown, I have found that THIS is truly life and life abundant. This is what I desire to rise to each new day. Now I'm not saying I crave trials or situational uncertainties, but what I've come to realize is that I desperately want and need to live and move and breathe in a way each day that is totally and abandonedly reliant on God. Having faced more than a few moments, even today, that seemed insurmountable has forced this sometimes shifty soul to make the decision to trust God. Period. End of subject. No questions asked (and that's very hard for someone who wants to know everything in advanced in order that all "risks" might be calculated ones...) By God's divine hand He has allowed me to be in a time and season that REQUIRES that I require Him. My heart's plea is that this doesn't change. I have come to a place where relying on self is not only a foolish option, it's a non-option... and it's wonderful! If I, as a Christ-follower, am not living in a way that reliance on God is not crucial, I have to ask myself am I really following Christ? If I'm not desperately and achingly holding onto Him to be my everything, to save the day, to give me breath, am I truly living in and operating in any level of faith this day? To live by faith requires something of us, it has a cost. It means I do not lean on me, or "them", this or that...it means no crutches and as my friend put it "no contingency plans". It is an all chips in, both feet out of the boat thrill-ride that leaves you breathless and expectant, and grateful for His never-failing faithfulness. And it is my heart's sincere prayer. Not a day, God. Not one day. "For the righteous man shall live by faith..." Hab.2:4