Whatever it Takes

When writing is as natural an expression to you as talking, it is somewhat grieving when you realize it's been well over a year since you've done any real writing at all...yikes! As I sit here this morning, soaking in some sun, enjoying a beautiful airy breeze, and the sounds of early spring outside the window, I find myself compelled and inspired to write.

All around me on this peaceful morning, there's a low hum of busy activity. As I mentioned, the sounds of spring surround me. Birds are happily singing their songs as they build their nests, the bees are determinedly buzzing from one colorful bloom to the next, and somewhere up the road I detect the distinct motor of a riding lawnmower zipping around a well-manicured lawn. I am mesmerized...and somewhat jealous. Yes, jealous...of the chirping birds, the busy bees, and the chubby, middle-aged man (in my imagination) who is cutting his grass on this joyous Saturday morning.

Before you judge, I can explain. See, I am usually the one bustling around in a flurry of activity. I'm the one who is comfortable being a busy bee. I like multi-tasking, and "to-do" lists, and full schedules. Although, I may, however, not be one for yardwork... I'd be doing SOMETHING this Saturday morning. In fact, I'd be serving at an outreach at this very minute if it weren't for one small fact... I am in a time-out. That's right, a time-out...a God-directed, God-mandated, and dare I say, God-given, TIME OUT.

Every December I find myself asking God for His Word for me for the next year. This year was no exception. Usually God will, if I am listening, give me one word or one verse that becomes the theme of my year, setting the tone for what is to come. Because of some very exciting things He was doing in my life at the time, I was eager to hear what was sure to be a very profound and life-altering word. Although I received many great & encouraging words through those closest to me as the year came to an end, the word that God gave me seemed somewhat out of place with the rest...little did I know just how this word would shape and define my life in the coming months.

January rolled by with the usual fresh anticipation and a great zeal fueling some personal goals... it was full steam ahead. I was happily, busily, buzzingly busy busy busy and loving it! I was, in my own estimation, balancing everything with flair and spinning plates with ease...until...I wasn't. Looking back, perhaps I wasn't so balanced...in retrospect, perhaps I was spinning plates when... gulp...The Lord was asking...or better said, warning me...to PUT THEM DOWN!!!

It is said, that hind-sight is often 20/20, so too, unfortunately, is recognizing the voice of God. Now that my initial hissy-fit regarding being in time out is over, I ponder the clear warning signs I missed and sadly, DISMISSED. I see how the very thing God allowed me to preach a message on, "The Dangers of Living on "E", He had really been inviting me to PRACTICE.

However, I was "too busy". I managed to silence the nagging insistence of His voice with my own prideful reasonings. I would rest, "after"... and kept filling in that blank and putting rest off while piling on more. My Pastor always says, "rest or God will rest you." Such a great saying, really. I agree, wholeheartedly...until it applies to me. This is not because of the expectations or demands of others, it's not because I don't know the power of the word "no", it's not because I think I'm the only one who can do certain things...it's because something in me is fractured and truth-be-told, sometimes the hamster wheel of busyness helps me avoid the painful reality of that truth.

But God.

He and I have a deal. I pray stupid, foolish, sincere prayers, and He answers them. When I ask Him to do WHATEVER it takes to make me, free me, heal me, and use me for His glory, He always answers with a relentless, "yes". And...He...means...it. The "problem" is, it's usually on His terms and not mine. He never seems to consult with me as to whether or not the timing or the methods are convenient or acceptable to me. Maybe, just maybe, you can relate.

So I sit here this morning, surrounded by a flurry of motion and movement and busyness and activity, and I am still. Like David, in Psalm 23, God is making me lie down and after nearly 3 months of stubbornly trying to tell God when I will "get up" from my time out, and admittedly, the occasional tantrum, I have stopped fighting Him. Instead of foolishly coveting the birds and the productivity of the bumblebees, I will consider them a reminder of God's constant care...

 "Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds...walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:26-34 MSG

AMEN.

I am entering into His rest. I am allowing Him to address the things I often ache to avoid. I am finding His presence to be enough and His grace to be sufficient. And I am FINALLY settling into the word He had for me for 2016, "REST, RECIEVE, RESPOND"... and it only took this hard-headed daughter an on-going illness and a severely fractured ankle to position me to do so, but..."whatever it takes, Lord, WHATEVER it takes."

Wait Gain...

No, I do not mean WEIGHT, read on...

Those close to me know that I am on a continual journey of transformation, not to BECOME something but to UNBECOME everything I'm not.  See the broken me, the imbalanced me, the fat me...is not the REAL me.  The real me is free, confident, and at home in her skin.  The real me is a role model for health--Spirit, Soul, and Body.  And the real me is CONTENT.

I used to hear that word and equate it to the resulting feeling that follows giving up or simply settling for less.  It's a word I thought was "fine" but definitely not one to strive for.  Until, that is, I found myself grievously DISCONTENT with my life.  Oh it was subtle at first, and certainly hard to detect.  It began with what I believe was and is a God-given desire and hope left unfulfilled that I then allowed to morph into a mild obsession...(meaning at times it was all I could think about).

I knew I was off-balanced but I'd set my eyes and heart on obtaining what I believed would bring me happiness and it was hard to adjust my gaze.  The problem was, the more I placed my longing in what I seemingly could  not have, the more disheartened, disquieted, and discontent I became.  This is no way to live and it became increasingly difficult to not be offended at God, after all, I reasoned, He COULD give me what I wanted at any moment and was CHOOSING not to.

Recognizing the toxic feelings that were stewing in my heart, I took this before The Lord.  I determined that I would not carry this unwanted emotional weight into 2015 either.  There were no goose bumps or spiritual fireworks that day, just a steady stream of tears as I decided to choose contentment. 

No, I've not "given up hope" in the defeated sense of the phrase, but I have given that hope up to my Father.  I feel like I can rest now, that I can just  lean into Him and stop trying to figure it out or make it happen.  The reality is it's not going to look like I thought... and that's o.k.   Even if I never see this desire fulfilled the way I imagined it, I have decided to remain joyfully content knowing He is good...always.  His ways are higher.

 Surrendering my hopes, dreams, and desires to the One who literally knows me better that I know me was the best thing I could've done.  It caused me to remember that He doesn't just know what's best for me, but He can be trusted to do what's best for me and not just what I think is best for me. 

And just like physical weight loss, it's not really about what you are losing at all, but what you are gaining.   There was a dramatic and almost sudden shift internally.  Where there had been a drive to "figure it out and make a way", (a line of thinking didn't work so well for Abram and Sarai who ended up creating an Ishmael.  Read Genesis 16) there is now perfect peace.  Where there had been an unseen ache, there is great joy and expectation for what lies ahead. 

There is genuine contentment now... and in the WAITing for whatever is next, that is great GAIN.

"For godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain." (1 Tim. 6:6)

It's a WONDERFUL life...

After 38 years, I finally understand what I was missing all along.  Having never watched the Christmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life", I had no idea what all the hype was about.  Settling down into the couch with some dearly loved friends, I anticipated what has now become a quintessential holiday experience--and it was!

Yes, it was cheesy and melodramatic at points, but the overall message of the movie outshines all of that.  Without spoiling it for anyone, let me suggest to anyone who also hasn't, to make it a point to watch it this year.

I walked away reflecting on my own wonderful life--something that the ladies I was with that night and I also took time to do mid-movie.  It was so sweet to hear each dear friend telling just a bit about what makes up their wonderful life.  Pictures and mementos of husbands, children, family and friends topped the list.  And as tears glazed our eyes, we each nodded in understanding and agreement as sentiments reflecting perfectly imperfect lives were shared.

I left contemplating the intricate way in which God weaves together our lives... the people, the choices, the seasons both triumphant and trying...and I thought of this life void of me and wondered to myself, "have I left enough of a lasting imprint to have made a difference?"

I thought too of the names and faces who make up my world.  I thought of their words of encouragement, times spent just breathing and being together, silly times, simple gestures of love, and acts of selfless service.  I thought of times when their God-breathed prayers lifted me from dark and isolating seasons and gave me hope when I was at the edge of my own bridge. And I gave thanks for the undeniable evidence of impact they've left.

And I think of the future, unsure of what it holds, but certain it's full of goodness and almost as if on cue, the old familiar Louis Armstrong tune begins to pour out of my grateful soul....I smile contently, and I think to myself, "what a wonderful world."

(Go ahead...enjoy it here)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM

My Rough Draft Self...

Although I am a Processor by nature and I tend to process best when writing, I admittedly avoid writing things until I feel they're "polished enough" to be shared.  Because of this, I often have extensive stretches of time in between blogging, as well as between the pages of a book that I've been "finishing" for a long time now... a very long time.  I'll even frequently edit at great length the texts I'm preparing to send out as if they are some great literary work of genius...they're not...and it's silly really.

I've been wanting to write, there is something, whether it's by pen and paper, or by the familiar click of the keyboard beneath my fingertips, that is soothing to me.  Laying my internal thoughts out in front of me is often both incredibly gut-wrenching and simultaneously therapeutic.  Sharing them so vulnerably with others, however, is a whole other level of terrifying... yet I also somehow find it necessary.  Maybe not necessary for the "you" reading this, (whoever you are), but necessary for me.

See, by default and habit, I am a Hider.  I may share some of me with the world, but not all.  Like my writing, I prefer sharing the polished up version, the spell-checked and grammar-checked version, and the finitely edited version of me.  That, I convince myself, is what people want.  The problem with that is, although it may read well, it's not the whole story.  And I, like you, am just as much the typos and incomplete sentences of my story, as I am the eloquently crafted paragraphs.

So I'm writing now, giving myself permission to be a bit unpolished.  In doing so, I know I am risking the dreaded "red pen" of judgment.  I believe from time to time we all have the fear that someone will take that pen to the pages of our lives and like a college English professor, begin the process of circling the mistakes that seem so blatantly obvious to them, grading and critiquing what is our own unique and beautiful God-journey.  And the truth is, they might.  But I need to write.  Words are my instrument and expressing them is life to me.

To be honest, this chapter of my story, doesn't feel so fairytale-ish.  Perhaps you can relate.  Recently, I was in a head-on collision with some very harsh realities and as a Divine result,  I'm raw and broken, weak and emptied.  It's a gloriously painful place of refining.  I can say I am certainly not alone, but can still FEEL very lonely here in this place where, more than anything, it MUST be God and I.

Truth be told, I am tempted every day... (go ahead and put your red pens down for a minute, I've already corrected myself for this far more harshly than you ever could.  Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I too own one of those fancy red pens of judgment and have used it quite unfairly and all-too-liberally on myself as well.  O.K. now, where were we? Ah yes, "I am tempted every day"... ) to run, to avoid, to "postpone" God's sovereign intervention to a later, more "convenient" date when I feel I'd be better equipped to handle all He's addressing.  Seems only fair, as none of this was cleared by me and my schedule was already pretty full. 

That said, I'd be lying if I tried to tell you that I haven't attempted (more than once) to figure out where God is hiding the remote control so I can hit the Fast Forward button on all of this and get to the "good part" of this page-turner of His. 

And that's the ugly, unpolished, unedited truth.

And sure, even now as I prepare to hit "publish",  I'd still prefer to present the "ready to print" final draft of myself to the world, who wouldn't?  But I also see the beauty in unashamedly allowing others to view the flawed, scribbled throughout, authentic work in progress. 

And perhaps...just maybe by doing so... some of you may find the courage to share your rough-draft self with the world too ...

How Far is Too Far?

In youth ministry, this provocative headline was an age-old question that we heard ALL the time in regards to...ahem..."relationships."  Teenagers always wanted to know where the line was, how close they could get to it without "officially" crossing it.  It was a question that was really just a hidden statement, "just tell us how much we can get away with without having to feel guilty later on." 

This blog isn't about sex, so for those of you concerned about where I was going, exhale.  For those of you who kept reading hoping I might be able to offer some insight on the subject, I will add this...  if you're asking this question, you're asking the wrong question.  Spend your days asking God to equip and empower you to live an honorable life worthy of your calling, not how you may wink at and toy with the "Blurred Lines" our society offers.  Avoid the gray.  Flee.

As I said, this isn't about that though.  This question, birthed out of my own moment of reflection, is in regards to FORGIVENESS.  How far is too far when it comes to forgiving someone?  How many times are we as Christians "required" to forgive before it's considered enough?  As I posed this question to God, I was reminded of a similar conversation that took place in Scripture.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?  Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)

Peter gets a bum rap for saying and doing some dumb things.  But after just essentially asking the same question myself, I can easily identify with Peter.  He was learning, just like you and I, how to be like Jesus.  I believe he wanted the literal answer, not for an easy-out when he hit the limit, but so he'd know exactly what was required of him.

I get it, trust me, I get it.  We want easily defined, cut-and-dry obedience.  We want God to give us a check-list so we can proudly cross things off our list and say to God, "see?  I did it!"  Understand, I'm in no way minimizing obedience.  Doing what is required of us is great.  That's obedience.  However, doing MORE than what is "required" of us is sometimes what is required of us.  (Go ahead and reread that sentence a couple of times.) 

Sometimes in the "seventy times seven" times, something in our heart realizes we've been keeping a mental tally and we may feel people have used up all their "get out of jail free" cards with us. We can feel we've exhausted our forgiveness, and often justifiably so.  Only thing is, Jesus wasn't giving us a number here in his answer, he was giving us, well...an answer and a new way of doing things.

Sometimes forgiveness means going the extra mile.   

"You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Mt. 5:38-42)

 Forgiveness, as defined by the life of Christ, means laying down your life for others--yes even THEM.  Forgiveness means extending grace and mercy when none is deserved or you feel you've got no more to give.  Forgiveness means LOVING even the unlovable...not with a plastic, "churchy", fabricated kind of  love, but with a love that humbly recognizes that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  It means loving with  a love that believes the best of EVERY person...the kind of love that can ONLY come from God Himself, for God is Love.

So for those of you who may also be asking God  "How many times must I really forgive?"  And that age-old question, "how far is too far?"  Know that this is one case where you're going to find the answer urging you to go ahead and cross the line, giving you permission to look like Jesus and to love like Jesus and to go "too far"...just like Jesus.

on the other side of surrender...

Recently I had the opportunity to preach at church on the Holy Spirit and how often times experiencing His power is contingent on one word: surrender.  Surrender is one of those tricky words that we often think we've got all figured out, until, that is, we realize we're not as surrendered as we might like to believe.  If you're tracking with me here it's most likely because we are kindred personalities.

So what is surrender?  What does surrender look like?  Perhaps a better question is what isn't surrender?  My pastor describes surrender somewhat this way, "surrender with conditions is no surrender at all."  I'm not sure about you but I've found my "surrender" to be quite conditional more times than I care to admit.  I don't wink at my stubborn tendencies and neither do I excuse them.  Resistance, in any form, to the Holy Spirit is both grieving and foolish.

When faced with the cross, Jesus asked His Father to "let this cup pass from me."  Today, faced with a cross of my own, I admit that I  too am asking Him to take a cup from me that seems far too much for me to bear.  The contents of it truly seems too impossible to swallow.  Yet, as Jesus prayed, I can't deny that somewhere from within, my heart cries a surrendered, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."

There are times that Love requires us to go where we can't imagine being able to go.  There are times that Love requires us to do what we never imagined being able to do...this might just be one of those times.

As I process and wrestle with myself to accept His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him, He assures me that He is with me and there is even more victory on the other side of surrender...

the rhythms of freedom...

I'm in one of those incredible seasons where God's voice and activity seem so close and so near.  I cherish this.  I contend for this.  I don't take it for granted, and I pray it lasts.  Although His nearness means surrendering layers and parts of me I was hesitant to give up, He is faithful and relentlessly tenacious in His pursuit to love and free us.  And although I can sometimes feel like a hot-mess, He has more wonder-working power than I have "issues".  Thank God!

Today, His challenge to me was to "re-learn the rhythms of freedom."  He began to show me that for some time I had been "out of sync."  As in the natural, when the rhythm is thrown off, the whole song is affected.

Acts 17:28 says this, "in Him we live, and MOVE, and have our being." 

To "re-learn the rhythms of freedom", is to re-learn the rhythm of living and moving IN HIM.  He is Freedom, it is His very name!  Where He is, there is FREEDOM. (2 Corinthians 3:17)  Yes, walking in freedom takes our cooperation with and yieldedness to Him, but freedom is not struggle!  Freedom is a gift, already purchased and ready for us to receive!

Today, I am overwhelmingly grateful for His never-ending pursuit to have all of me.  Today, I will watch Him and listen with my ear pressed to His chest.  Today I will allow Him the honor of leading this dance, and will enjoy simply swaying to the song He is singing over me!