seasons change...

During a too-brief chat with a dear friend this morning our conversation turned towards the current autumn season. She, being surrounded by fall's splendid array of colors and knowing we share a love for this crisp season, was sharing about recent ways in which she had embraced and celebrated it. As far back as I can recall I have had a special affinity for fall- the colors, the smells, the crunchy leaves beneath my feet- I love it all!!! Each year I endure summer and its sweltering heat only because it is, as I see it, a precursor to fall- the most glorious of all seasons. There are pumpkin spice lattes to drink and super-snugly sweaters to pull out. Yes, I love fall...except...this year there was no filling my home with festive decor, no lighting of rusty-orange candles and purposely walking straight through the middle of a freshly raked leaf pile. I jested with my friend that I was in semi-protest and have refused to "celebrate" a season that is now no longer evident outside my windows. There are no shades of crimsons and deep orange, the palm trees and cacti have not given up their leaves in surrender to another season. Yes the temperature in the evenings has dipped a bit, but it is not fall here- not by any stretch of the imagination, or at least not by the definition that has always existed in my mind. For someone who has always both appreciated and embraced the distinct and well- defined traditional four seasons, I'm taken back a bit by what I'm experiencing. I like structure. I like the cut-and-dry predictability of winter, spring, summer, fall, winter, spring, summer, FALL... In a world bursting at the seems with uncertainty, I welcome what is sure and stable, familiar and comfortable. By nature I've never been a thrill-seeker who enjoys the adventure of change, especially change to the faithful and predictable routines of life. I like plans and maps and blueprints. I like checklists and calendars. And I like fall to be categorically fall. And yet, here I am. October is quickly coming to a close and it is still a forecasted 90* in Buda, TX today. As I admitted in jokes to my friend, I haven't embraced the season here. What I didn't admit was what I didn't really realize until now; my refusal to enjoy the season was largely due to the fact that it didn't look like or feel like the fall I've always known. What I was failing to see was that seasons return but they don't replicate. This is not the fall of yesteryear, this is a new season. Sure it may have familiar sights and sounds, smells and experiences, but is also an opportunity for something brand new and exciting. Longing for yesterday may only leave me missing out on today. As much as I love the autumn season and what it's always been, I am not willing to forfeit what God has planned today lamenting over what has already come and gone. With all that can change and vary from day to day and season to season, I am reminded in this moment of still reflection that I have an unchanging God. I have a God who loves me and a God who knows me. He understands that I desperately require SOMETHING stable and sure, trustworthy and solid in my life and, He is. He reminds me that HE never changes...same yesterday, today and forever. Because He knows and loves me so personally, He also knows how crucial it is that He changes things up on me as He chooses and often when I least expect it. He loves to keep me guessing, to keep me amazed and in awe, to keep me trusting. Seasons change, my friends, without our permission and sometimes without our approval. As I've found, we can resist and despise the circumstances of each season or we can rejoice and be glad in them...

my notes...

Months have passed since I've written anything. Recognizing and contemplating this fact leaves me disappointed and sad because I feel, at some level, this is a betrayal to who I am. I am an author. This is not to say I am a self-professed believer in my own literary abilities...not even slightly. It's just that hidden within the folds of who I am is this urgency, this necessity to pour out the intimacies of my heart. I have had, for as long as I have known, this kinship with words and their miraculous ability to paint on the canvas of the mind and to heal the most afflicted of souls. It is often as the letters are spilling onto the page, whether by pen or by keys, that I feel most acutely alive. Although the phrases and words have changed with time, wisdom, experiences and maturity, the subject has forever been the same; The One Great Love of My Life. Despite the varying forms that this scribing has manifested itself over time, instinctively and divinely it has always drawn me back to the simple sharing of the most definitive truth of my life- I am loved...miraculously and incomprehensibly loved. It is because of this truth that I...exist, breathe, laugh, love...write. I am My Beloved's and He is Mine. This is the epic tale that great novelists live their lives to tell and so must I. As God Himself is authoring a romance intended to captivate and consume this heart of mine, I will, in smitten response, continue to take and share my notes...

by faith...

During a conversation just moments ago, I heard spill from my spirit and out of my mouth "I don't wanna wake a day that doesn't require great faith to make it through". As I scribbled it down and began to contemplate what I had really just said, I was struck by how sure and how forthright it had come out. This season of my life and recent circumstances combined have thrust me into living in an entirely new dimension of faith, a new "level". And to the surprise of a girl who has always favored comfort, security, and stability to adventure, risk and the unknown, I have found that THIS is truly life and life abundant. This is what I desire to rise to each new day. Now I'm not saying I crave trials or situational uncertainties, but what I've come to realize is that I desperately want and need to live and move and breathe in a way each day that is totally and abandonedly reliant on God. Having faced more than a few moments, even today, that seemed insurmountable has forced this sometimes shifty soul to make the decision to trust God. Period. End of subject. No questions asked (and that's very hard for someone who wants to know everything in advanced in order that all "risks" might be calculated ones...) By God's divine hand He has allowed me to be in a time and season that REQUIRES that I require Him. My heart's plea is that this doesn't change. I have come to a place where relying on self is not only a foolish option, it's a non-option... and it's wonderful! If I, as a Christ-follower, am not living in a way that reliance on God is not crucial, I have to ask myself am I really following Christ? If I'm not desperately and achingly holding onto Him to be my everything, to save the day, to give me breath, am I truly living in and operating in any level of faith this day? To live by faith requires something of us, it has a cost. It means I do not lean on me, or "them", this or that...it means no crutches and as my friend put it "no contingency plans". It is an all chips in, both feet out of the boat thrill-ride that leaves you breathless and expectant, and grateful for His never-failing faithfulness. And it is my heart's sincere prayer. Not a day, God. Not one day. "For the righteous man shall live by faith..." Hab.2:4

consider the lilies...

"Therefore, I tell you to stop being perpetually uneasy about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on...Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add a single moment to the span of your life? And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they never toil nor spin...but if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you. O you of little faith?" (Matt. 6:25-30). For as far back as I can remember, I have admired the stately and elegant Calla Lily Flower. I don't remember the first time I laid eyes on one, but I do know that when I did it trumped all other flowers for me. Something about the grand sturdy stem and the single shapely bloom spoke to me of strength and dignity, beauty and delicacy. It is, and I assume will remain, my very favorite flower. In recent days God has brought my attention to the previous verses and despite having read them many times before I had never really given much thought to the lily part. You know those moments when it seems as if God takes a neon-yellow Sharpie to the printed pages of your Bible and you sit up and take notice, it was like that. "Consider the lilies"...I found myself staring at the faux Calla Lily bloom that stands tall in an slender glass vase beside my bed. "To consider" means to think thoroughly through the process of something. I began to imagine the seedling this grand flower once was, not being a botanist myself, I did my best to envision the underground sprouting process and the moment it finally pushes the earth out of its way to see the light of day. I imagine it drinking in the early morning dew and savoring the life-giving rays of sun until it attains splendid maturity. "Consider the lilies"....they don't toil or spin, they don't labor or make schedules, they don't stress and attempt to manage their pending futures, "Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence, excellence, dignity, and grace was not arrayed like one of these." (Mt.6:29) From seed to stunning flower, Jesus Himself was reminding us that if the Father cares enough to tend to what grows in a field, how much more will He take care of that which was created by His hands and born of His heart? Worry has no power to add a single moment of time to our life span, on the contrary, the all-consuming anxious thoughts eat away and erode the peace that He has intended to guard our hearts and minds. I do not take this lesson lightly and neither do I share it flippantly. From one who is, in the natural sense, currently without a sure income, I am challenged to my core to NOT be one "of little faith". I have been given the divine opportunity to take Him at His word and to trust Him with every intricate fiber of my being. And really isn't that what we're all called to do? If He is our Sufficiency, if He is our Provider, if He is I AM, then our stability and security must only be drawn from Him. Our steady employment, our savings accounts, our possessions and family, these can all be great but they can not be what we're putting our stock in. Circumstances change and will. God, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is our Constant, our Security, our Stability and our Safety. He is our Rock and it takes faith to allow Him to be so. In trusting Him, we must lean in ALL things and at ALL times- in the times of circumstantial steadiness and, yes, in times of shifting sand. "Therefore do not worry and be anxious...but seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given unto you. So don't worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." (Mt.6:34) Grace, like manna, is given to be gathered for THIS day. We're not promised a tomorrow to even be fretting over, we're given a today and asked to have faith in it. Consider the lilies...

...so I will be with you

Recently I was encouraged to read Joshua 1 and have done several times now. This morning as I reread this portion of Scripture needing to remind myself to be strong and very courageous, I remained stuck on some of the first few words in God's address to Joshua. I realize now how much I was overlooking and not hearing in these verses because I'd previously skimmed over that part. God says to Joshua, "As I was with Moses, so will I be with you." I'd read it before and surely had thought that was great but I don't think I quite got exactly what God was saying here. Just like with Moses-in the same ways He was made known in the life of Moses, God was promising He would be with Joshua and subsequently us as well. The words, "as I was" seemed to be magnifying themselves this time and I began to ponder all the many ways God had been with Moses- even from infant hood. I realized quickly that My Teacher was trying to illuminate my deeper understanding of these words. I spent the next couple hours pouring over just the first few chapters of Exodus. What I discovered was more than enough to stir my faith and bring another level of divine peace to my soul. I began by being reminded of how God shielded baby Moses from a declaration of death and placed him in a palace where he was raised by royalty. Years later, after covering up a murderous mistake, he fled from home. It was in Midian where he simply sat at a well to rest that a seemingly insignificant act shaped his future destiny. While at the well he simply helped some women water their flock, which led to him being provided for in Jethro's house. Basic provision, housing and eventually a wife were found even while attempting to run away. And it was his employment as a simple shepherd for Jethro's flocks that led him to the backside of the wilderness. All moments of his life, all paths he'd taken, all choices he'd made, brought him by the divine hand of God to this precise place in his destiny. It's not everyday one encounters a bush that's burning, but not. I don't presume to know if Moses had been looking that day to encounter God or not, Scripture offers no insight. What I do recognize in this portion of Exodus is that Moses recognized this phenomenon for what it was- a divine encounter with I AM. Scripture tells us he turned and heard God's voice speak. He took off his sandals as instructed and walked on holy ground. He was chosen and given a clear mandate to go and bring the Israelites out of captivity. He was given a promise from God that He'd be with him and was granted open dialogue with the Creator of the universe. He was given God's word, His name, His promises, authority, and a clear and very precise play by play on what would occur when Moses went to Pharaoh. To top it all off, Moses was told he'd be given respect, favor,and prosperity; that he'd not leave empty-handed but would strip the Egyptians of their belongings! As I put my Bible and notepad down, I was literally overwhelmed by the amount of material in just a few short "chapters" of one life. Then just as quickly as I'd set my things down, I began pondering my very own life and how in just as few chapters of my own story there too is so much to acknowledge. What an incredible story He's written in my life-how faithful, how loving, how providing...and the story isn't over yet! Yes, we can find great strength in recalling how you "were with Moses", but I find the greatest flood of gratitude and expectation in knowing that You've made such a hope-filled oath in also saying to us, to me, "so I WILL BE with you..."

puzzle pieces...

must write...must write...sitting here waiting for the pieces of my soon-to-be-new life to come together. Like sitting directly next to someone doing an enormous jigsaw puzzle and not being able to help. I know it's God's puzzle to do, not mine. I know He doesn't want or need my help as pieces are carefully laid in perfect place. I know He already sees the picture in its entirety. Why is it then that I find I must sit on my hands in order to refrain from interfering? Why is it such a painful struggle to keep myself from reaching across His strong trustworthy arms, grabbing the tiny pieces, and jammimg them into place myself? What fears and anxieties are screaming inaudibly from within? Do I believe Him when He says He has a plan? Do I trust He knows what He's doing? Do I trust Him? If I'm not willing to face these questions, I am not willing to face truth and as I know it is the truth and only the truth that truly sets us free. God, You are the great Puzzle-Put-Togetherer, teach me, remind me, and help me to trust You and to simply enjoy watching You work. Teach me to be still, to let go, to stop interfering, to stop hampering and hindering and to know and recognize and understand fully that You are God and I am not...

My hands, His hands...

To quote a song, "It's well past midnight and I'm awake with questions that won't wait for daylight..." This seems to be the time of day when my thoughts, or my God, or a blaring combination of the two, keep me awake to ponder in the dark stillness of the early (way too early) morning. Sitting quietly, I'm reflecting quite soberly on a portion of a word that God gave me in a time of ministry yesterday. "I see you bursting forth, a water spout at full pressure. Until now there's been a hand on the spout only allowing minimal flow, controlling and hindering the water pressure." The minister went on to loose this hand, confirming that God wanted the unhindered ability to flow out from me as a river of living water. What God wasn't showing them (and what I later shared) was the truth He was simultaneously revealing to me. I did, in fact, know exactly whose hand was and has most often been on that spout-mine! The common saying is "we are our own worst enemy" and in many cases I'd have to agree. Of course I'd like to blame-shift as much as the next guy but, truth-be-told, my own self-sabotage has cost me just as much, if not more, as anything the devil has himself done to me. Now I understand, he gets his wormy, wily self in our business and influences us. To simply pin it on him, however, to simply say "the devil made me do it", is to often give him more credit than he's due and a cop out of my own personal responsibility. No doubt , my self-sabotage has for the most part been unintentional, but to a certain degree it's also been a vicious and prideful attempt to control my own life. It is with these painful thoughts that I wrestle on this early (again, far too early) morning. Having dedicated my entire life to genuinely and consistently living surrendered to God's will and purposes, this reality of my own hand hindering and holding me back brings me to my literal knees. Be it fear of the unknown, a lack of trust, vile self-will, insecurity, or a stifling "stew" of these paralyzing ingredients, the truth is I have gotten in my own way. More so, I have gotten in God's way. The additional truth here is, this is not how I want to or will live out the rest of my days. Because of it's nature, there is always a level of trepidation that comes with the unknown, but I will loosen my grip because God has given to me power, love, and a sound mind. I will pry my fingers off my life's "water spout" because I know...I KNOW...I can trust Him. As for self-will and insecurity, I see now these are evil twins rooted in the prideful mind game that believes my opinion somehow outweighs His truth. I will humble myself before my God where I'll allow myself to receive the grace He eagerly gives. As I do, I see the picture changes. It is His hands I can see now on the spout- strong, capable, familiar hands that move with steady purpose. This is how it is meant to be. I find myself easing into a calm and still peace. I know full well that His hands are up to something and I am overjoyed they are....