Sitting in the scorching sun of North Beach today, I flipped to one of my favorite chapters of the book of Psalm and read, "how precious and weighty are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand." (Psalm 139:17 & 18).
As I sat there with my toes literally buried in sand, I tried to grasp the enormity of that concept. Like David, who marveled at the immeasurableness of God's thoughts towards us, I sat there in awe of such extravagant love. Staring down at the tiny grains of sand surrounding me for miles, those words, "IF I could count them", became so real.
When you're sitting on a beach, you begin to realize what a ridiculously futile attempt it would be to try to count even the smallest handful of sand. I then began to think to myself, "and this is only just one beach in a world full of beaches", and yet, God's thoughts towards me are infinitely MORE than their sum???
So as I hopped back into my car and began to internally grumble about all the sand in my car, on my drinking straw, and somehow in my wallet, I caught myself and decidedly thought, "what a beautiful reminder of The Creator's mindfulness towards us. We are never forgotten, never ever merely an afterthought, and always on His mind."
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Monday, December 5, 2016
It Starts with Goodbye..
Yesterday at church we had an Eviction Day. We responded to God's Word to us by posting eviction notices to the unwanted "squatters" in our lives. Sin, habits, addictions, and strongholds were told to "get out!" Fear was cast out the doors, along with Depression, Shame, Anger, Pride, and all the rest of their destructive and motley crew.
What a powerfully freeing thing to remember that nothing and nobody has the right to cross the threshold of our lives, and/or stay there, without our permission! The enemy has no right to track his muddy feet across the carpet of our hearts for one minute more! No matter how long he's been making himself at home there, we have been given the authority to tell him to pack his bags!
It may feel strange at first...waking up to find the halls of your heart aren't cluttered with the chaotically familiar mess these unwelcomed house guests always left behind, but oh what joy is to be found in the tranquility that comes with their exit! No, it's not always easy to show these insistent intruders the door, but it's the only way to a home SWEET home because, as Carrie Underwood sings, "sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Our Forever Guide
Life has had me marinating in the richness of the Psalms lately. This morning as I read the familiar words of Psalm 104, Holy Spirit did what He often does and arrested my attention on a verse I've not previously given much attention to. It wasn't highlighted nor underlined in my Bible, but suddenly it sort of jumped off the pages and into my spirit.
As the words surrounding this particular verse began to describe how God laid the foundations of the earth, my heart was struck with awe as I tried to imagine that spectacular moment. I marveled at the thought of Him clothing the globe with waters, His voice thundering. Then I read:
"The mountains rose, the valleys sank down to the place which YOU APPOINTED FOR THEM."
Before I could read on, the realization gripped me that BOTH the mountain AND the valley are His handiwork. BOTH. Mountains high and valleys low...God placed them both on the planet with the sound of His voice, and EVERYTHING He has made is both good and pulsating with purpose.
Oftentimes, I have been guilty of thinking only the "mountaintop" moments of life are His doing, not so-- it is both the glorious mountains and the shadowy valleys that God takes credit for. If The Almighty created and appointed them their place, will He not also be there with us? His Word confirms and assures us He will! He gives us hinds' feet for high places (Psalm 18:33) and also accompanies us through dark valleys (Psalm 23:4).
The high places are treacherous, with the potential for great falls. We need Him there.
The low places are cavernous, threatening to swallow us whole. We need Him there.
No matter what the current topography of our lives looks like, we need Him THERE.
Thank God that He promises to never leave us or forsake us! He delights to be our much needed Navigator-- leading us through the ups and the downs, as well as the various twists and turns. He enjoys being our Companion--equipping us with everything necessary for the journey. I am amazed. I am grateful. Through this simple scripture today, I am once again reminded that the very same God who artfully arranged the landscape of our lives with precision and purpose, is fiercely committed to being our forever Guide as we journey on!
As the words surrounding this particular verse began to describe how God laid the foundations of the earth, my heart was struck with awe as I tried to imagine that spectacular moment. I marveled at the thought of Him clothing the globe with waters, His voice thundering. Then I read:
"The mountains rose, the valleys sank down to the place which YOU APPOINTED FOR THEM."
Before I could read on, the realization gripped me that BOTH the mountain AND the valley are His handiwork. BOTH. Mountains high and valleys low...God placed them both on the planet with the sound of His voice, and EVERYTHING He has made is both good and pulsating with purpose.
Oftentimes, I have been guilty of thinking only the "mountaintop" moments of life are His doing, not so-- it is both the glorious mountains and the shadowy valleys that God takes credit for. If The Almighty created and appointed them their place, will He not also be there with us? His Word confirms and assures us He will! He gives us hinds' feet for high places (Psalm 18:33) and also accompanies us through dark valleys (Psalm 23:4).
The high places are treacherous, with the potential for great falls. We need Him there.
The low places are cavernous, threatening to swallow us whole. We need Him there.
No matter what the current topography of our lives looks like, we need Him THERE.
Thank God that He promises to never leave us or forsake us! He delights to be our much needed Navigator-- leading us through the ups and the downs, as well as the various twists and turns. He enjoys being our Companion--equipping us with everything necessary for the journey. I am amazed. I am grateful. Through this simple scripture today, I am once again reminded that the very same God who artfully arranged the landscape of our lives with precision and purpose, is fiercely committed to being our forever Guide as we journey on!
Monday, May 9, 2016
Above ALL else...
"Above ALL else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it..." Reading these words in Proverbs 4:23 this morning, and hearing a powerful Bible teacher highlight them as well, I was struck with the intensity of such a phrase. Above...all...else.
There isn't a lot of wiggle room there. It doesn't say, "in addition to", or "along with", or "as you have the chance". No, directly and decisively, the God-breathed Scriptures tell us to make the act of guarding our hearts THE top priority.
The original text says, "with all diligence". When best translated, this verse is shaking us awake and warning us to patrol our hearts with all the alertness of a prison guard. Let nothing escape, nor anything enter, without our express permission. Wow.
As I pondered this, I sensed the Lord ask me if I'd like to learn how to guard my heart. I assumed I already knew how. That's the thing with God, however, He knows what we "know" (think we know) and what we really KNOW... and DON'T know. If He's asking and offering to teach us something, there is clearly something MORE to know. There is always so much more to know of His ways, His will, and His Word.
There's a lot of room between, just doing the best that I know how to do-- guarding my heart whenever I actually think to do so, and guarding my heart with all diligence--ABOVE ALL ELSE--making it top priority in my life. I have much to learn.
Today, I am responding then, "yes, Lord, train me, equip, empower, and grace me to guard my heart. Teach me how to watch over all that You are working into it and out of it, so that nothing ever invades and nothing ever pours out except what will only and always brings You glory...ABOVE ALL ELSE!
There isn't a lot of wiggle room there. It doesn't say, "in addition to", or "along with", or "as you have the chance". No, directly and decisively, the God-breathed Scriptures tell us to make the act of guarding our hearts THE top priority.
The original text says, "with all diligence". When best translated, this verse is shaking us awake and warning us to patrol our hearts with all the alertness of a prison guard. Let nothing escape, nor anything enter, without our express permission. Wow.
As I pondered this, I sensed the Lord ask me if I'd like to learn how to guard my heart. I assumed I already knew how. That's the thing with God, however, He knows what we "know" (think we know) and what we really KNOW... and DON'T know. If He's asking and offering to teach us something, there is clearly something MORE to know. There is always so much more to know of His ways, His will, and His Word.
There's a lot of room between, just doing the best that I know how to do-- guarding my heart whenever I actually think to do so, and guarding my heart with all diligence--ABOVE ALL ELSE--making it top priority in my life. I have much to learn.
Today, I am responding then, "yes, Lord, train me, equip, empower, and grace me to guard my heart. Teach me how to watch over all that You are working into it and out of it, so that nothing ever invades and nothing ever pours out except what will only and always brings You glory...ABOVE ALL ELSE!
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Whatever it Takes
When writing is as natural an expression to you as talking, it is somewhat grieving when you realize it's been well over a year since you've done any real writing at all...yikes! As I sit here this morning, soaking in some sun, enjoying a beautiful airy breeze, and the sounds of early spring outside the window, I find myself compelled and inspired to write.
All around me on this peaceful morning, there's a low hum of busy activity. As I mentioned, the sounds of spring surround me. Birds are happily singing their songs as they build their nests, the bees are determinedly buzzing from one colorful bloom to the next, and somewhere up the road I detect the distinct motor of a riding lawnmower zipping around a well-manicured lawn. I am mesmerized...and somewhat jealous. Yes, jealous...of the chirping birds, the busy bees, and the chubby, middle-aged man (in my imagination) who is cutting his grass on this joyous Saturday morning.
Before you judge, I can explain. See, I am usually the one bustling around in a flurry of activity. I'm the one who is comfortable being a busy bee. I like multi-tasking, and "to-do" lists, and full schedules. Although, I may, however, not be one for yardwork... I'd be doing SOMETHING this Saturday morning. In fact, I'd be serving at an outreach at this very minute if it weren't for one small fact... I am in a time-out. That's right, a time-out...a God-directed, God-mandated, and dare I say, God-given, TIME OUT.
Every December I find myself asking God for His Word for me for the next year. This year was no exception. Usually God will, if I am listening, give me one word or one verse that becomes the theme of my year, setting the tone for what is to come. Because of some very exciting things He was doing in my life at the time, I was eager to hear what was sure to be a very profound and life-altering word. Although I received many great & encouraging words through those closest to me as the year came to an end, the word that God gave me seemed somewhat out of place with the rest...little did I know just how this word would shape and define my life in the coming months.
January rolled by with the usual fresh anticipation and a great zeal fueling some personal goals... it was full steam ahead. I was happily, busily, buzzingly busy busy busy and loving it! I was, in my own estimation, balancing everything with flair and spinning plates with ease...until...I wasn't. Looking back, perhaps I wasn't so balanced...in retrospect, perhaps I was spinning plates when... gulp...The Lord was asking...or better said, warning me...to PUT THEM DOWN!!!
It is said, that hind-sight is often 20/20, so too, unfortunately, is recognizing the voice of God. Now that my initial hissy-fit regarding being in time out is over, I ponder the clear warning signs I missed and sadly, DISMISSED. I see how the very thing God allowed me to preach a message on, "The Dangers of Living on "E", He had really been inviting me to PRACTICE.
However, I was "too busy". I managed to silence the nagging insistence of His voice with my own prideful reasonings. I would rest, "after"... and kept filling in that blank and putting rest off while piling on more. My Pastor always says, "rest or God will rest you." Such a great saying, really. I agree, wholeheartedly...until it applies to me. This is not because of the expectations or demands of others, it's not because I don't know the power of the word "no", it's not because I think I'm the only one who can do certain things...it's because something in me is fractured and truth-be-told, sometimes the hamster wheel of busyness helps me avoid the painful reality of that truth.
But God.
He and I have a deal. I pray stupid, foolish, sincere prayers, and He answers them. When I ask Him to do WHATEVER it takes to make me, free me, heal me, and use me for His glory, He always answers with a relentless, "yes". And...He...means...it. The "problem" is, it's usually on His terms and not mine. He never seems to consult with me as to whether or not the timing or the methods are convenient or acceptable to me. Maybe, just maybe, you can relate.
So I sit here this morning, surrounded by a flurry of motion and movement and busyness and activity, and I am still. Like David, in Psalm 23, God is making me lie down and after nearly 3 months of stubbornly trying to tell God when I will "get up" from my time out, and admittedly, the occasional tantrum, I have stopped fighting Him. Instead of foolishly coveting the birds and the productivity of the bumblebees, I will consider them a reminder of God's constant care...
"Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds...walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:26-34 MSG
AMEN.
I am entering into His rest. I am allowing Him to address the things I often ache to avoid. I am finding His presence to be enough and His grace to be sufficient. And I am FINALLY settling into the word He had for me for 2016, "REST, RECIEVE, RESPOND"... and it only took this hard-headed daughter an on-going illness and a severely fractured ankle to position me to do so, but..."whatever it takes, Lord, WHATEVER it takes."
All around me on this peaceful morning, there's a low hum of busy activity. As I mentioned, the sounds of spring surround me. Birds are happily singing their songs as they build their nests, the bees are determinedly buzzing from one colorful bloom to the next, and somewhere up the road I detect the distinct motor of a riding lawnmower zipping around a well-manicured lawn. I am mesmerized...and somewhat jealous. Yes, jealous...of the chirping birds, the busy bees, and the chubby, middle-aged man (in my imagination) who is cutting his grass on this joyous Saturday morning.
Before you judge, I can explain. See, I am usually the one bustling around in a flurry of activity. I'm the one who is comfortable being a busy bee. I like multi-tasking, and "to-do" lists, and full schedules. Although, I may, however, not be one for yardwork... I'd be doing SOMETHING this Saturday morning. In fact, I'd be serving at an outreach at this very minute if it weren't for one small fact... I am in a time-out. That's right, a time-out...a God-directed, God-mandated, and dare I say, God-given, TIME OUT.
Every December I find myself asking God for His Word for me for the next year. This year was no exception. Usually God will, if I am listening, give me one word or one verse that becomes the theme of my year, setting the tone for what is to come. Because of some very exciting things He was doing in my life at the time, I was eager to hear what was sure to be a very profound and life-altering word. Although I received many great & encouraging words through those closest to me as the year came to an end, the word that God gave me seemed somewhat out of place with the rest...little did I know just how this word would shape and define my life in the coming months.
January rolled by with the usual fresh anticipation and a great zeal fueling some personal goals... it was full steam ahead. I was happily, busily, buzzingly busy busy busy and loving it! I was, in my own estimation, balancing everything with flair and spinning plates with ease...until...I wasn't. Looking back, perhaps I wasn't so balanced...in retrospect, perhaps I was spinning plates when... gulp...The Lord was asking...or better said, warning me...to PUT THEM DOWN!!!
It is said, that hind-sight is often 20/20, so too, unfortunately, is recognizing the voice of God. Now that my initial hissy-fit regarding being in time out is over, I ponder the clear warning signs I missed and sadly, DISMISSED. I see how the very thing God allowed me to preach a message on, "The Dangers of Living on "E", He had really been inviting me to PRACTICE.
However, I was "too busy". I managed to silence the nagging insistence of His voice with my own prideful reasonings. I would rest, "after"... and kept filling in that blank and putting rest off while piling on more. My Pastor always says, "rest or God will rest you." Such a great saying, really. I agree, wholeheartedly...until it applies to me. This is not because of the expectations or demands of others, it's not because I don't know the power of the word "no", it's not because I think I'm the only one who can do certain things...it's because something in me is fractured and truth-be-told, sometimes the hamster wheel of busyness helps me avoid the painful reality of that truth.
But God.
He and I have a deal. I pray stupid, foolish, sincere prayers, and He answers them. When I ask Him to do WHATEVER it takes to make me, free me, heal me, and use me for His glory, He always answers with a relentless, "yes". And...He...means...it. The "problem" is, it's usually on His terms and not mine. He never seems to consult with me as to whether or not the timing or the methods are convenient or acceptable to me. Maybe, just maybe, you can relate.
So I sit here this morning, surrounded by a flurry of motion and movement and busyness and activity, and I am still. Like David, in Psalm 23, God is making me lie down and after nearly 3 months of stubbornly trying to tell God when I will "get up" from my time out, and admittedly, the occasional tantrum, I have stopped fighting Him. Instead of foolishly coveting the birds and the productivity of the bumblebees, I will consider them a reminder of God's constant care...
"Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds...walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:26-34 MSG
AMEN.
I am entering into His rest. I am allowing Him to address the things I often ache to avoid. I am finding His presence to be enough and His grace to be sufficient. And I am FINALLY settling into the word He had for me for 2016, "REST, RECIEVE, RESPOND"... and it only took this hard-headed daughter an on-going illness and a severely fractured ankle to position me to do so, but..."whatever it takes, Lord, WHATEVER it takes."
Friday, February 6, 2015
Wait Gain...
No, I do not mean WEIGHT, read on...
Those close to me know that I am on a continual journey of transformation, not to BECOME something but to UNBECOME everything I'm not. See the broken me, the imbalanced me, the fat me...is not the REAL me. The real me is free, confident, and at home in her skin. The real me is a role model for health--Spirit, Soul, and Body. And the real me is CONTENT.
I used to hear that word and equate it to the resulting feeling that follows giving up or simply settling for less. It's a word I thought was "fine" but definitely not one to strive for. Until, that is, I found myself grievously DISCONTENT with my life. Oh it was subtle at first, and certainly hard to detect. It began with what I believe was and is a God-given desire and hope left unfulfilled that I then allowed to morph into a mild obsession...(meaning at times it was all I could think about).
I knew I was off-balanced but I'd set my eyes and heart on obtaining what I believed would bring me happiness and it was hard to adjust my gaze. The problem was, the more I placed my longing in what I seemingly could not have, the more disheartened, disquieted, and discontent I became. This is no way to live and it became increasingly difficult to not be offended at God, after all, I reasoned, He COULD give me what I wanted at any moment and was CHOOSING not to.
Recognizing the toxic feelings that were stewing in my heart, I took this before The Lord. I determined that I would not carry this unwanted emotional weight into 2015 either. There were no goose bumps or spiritual fireworks that day, just a steady stream of tears as I decided to choose contentment.
No, I've not "given up hope" in the defeated sense of the phrase, but I have given that hope up to my Father. I feel like I can rest now, that I can just lean into Him and stop trying to figure it out or make it happen. The reality is it's not going to look like I thought... and that's o.k. Even if I never see this desire fulfilled the way I imagined it, I have decided to remain joyfully content knowing He is good...always. His ways are higher.
Surrendering my hopes, dreams, and desires to the One who literally knows me better that I know me was the best thing I could've done. It caused me to remember that He doesn't just know what's best for me, but He can be trusted to do what's best for me and not just what I think is best for me.
And just like physical weight loss, it's not really about what you are losing at all, but what you are gaining. There was a dramatic and almost sudden shift internally. Where there had been a drive to "figure it out and make a way", (a line of thinking didn't work so well for Abram and Sarai who ended up creating an Ishmael. Read Genesis 16) there is now perfect peace. Where there had been an unseen ache, there is great joy and expectation for what lies ahead.
There is genuine contentment now... and in the WAITing for whatever is next, that is great GAIN.
"For godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain." (1 Tim. 6:6)
Those close to me know that I am on a continual journey of transformation, not to BECOME something but to UNBECOME everything I'm not. See the broken me, the imbalanced me, the fat me...is not the REAL me. The real me is free, confident, and at home in her skin. The real me is a role model for health--Spirit, Soul, and Body. And the real me is CONTENT.
I used to hear that word and equate it to the resulting feeling that follows giving up or simply settling for less. It's a word I thought was "fine" but definitely not one to strive for. Until, that is, I found myself grievously DISCONTENT with my life. Oh it was subtle at first, and certainly hard to detect. It began with what I believe was and is a God-given desire and hope left unfulfilled that I then allowed to morph into a mild obsession...(meaning at times it was all I could think about).
I knew I was off-balanced but I'd set my eyes and heart on obtaining what I believed would bring me happiness and it was hard to adjust my gaze. The problem was, the more I placed my longing in what I seemingly could not have, the more disheartened, disquieted, and discontent I became. This is no way to live and it became increasingly difficult to not be offended at God, after all, I reasoned, He COULD give me what I wanted at any moment and was CHOOSING not to.
Recognizing the toxic feelings that were stewing in my heart, I took this before The Lord. I determined that I would not carry this unwanted emotional weight into 2015 either. There were no goose bumps or spiritual fireworks that day, just a steady stream of tears as I decided to choose contentment.
No, I've not "given up hope" in the defeated sense of the phrase, but I have given that hope up to my Father. I feel like I can rest now, that I can just lean into Him and stop trying to figure it out or make it happen. The reality is it's not going to look like I thought... and that's o.k. Even if I never see this desire fulfilled the way I imagined it, I have decided to remain joyfully content knowing He is good...always. His ways are higher.
Surrendering my hopes, dreams, and desires to the One who literally knows me better that I know me was the best thing I could've done. It caused me to remember that He doesn't just know what's best for me, but He can be trusted to do what's best for me and not just what I think is best for me.
And just like physical weight loss, it's not really about what you are losing at all, but what you are gaining. There was a dramatic and almost sudden shift internally. Where there had been a drive to "figure it out and make a way", (a line of thinking didn't work so well for Abram and Sarai who ended up creating an Ishmael. Read Genesis 16) there is now perfect peace. Where there had been an unseen ache, there is great joy and expectation for what lies ahead.
There is genuine contentment now... and in the WAITing for whatever is next, that is great GAIN.
"For godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain." (1 Tim. 6:6)
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
It's a WONDERFUL life...
After 38 years, I finally understand what I was missing all along. Having never watched the Christmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life", I had no idea what all the hype was about. Settling down into the couch with some dearly loved friends, I anticipated what has now become a quintessential holiday experience--and it was!
Yes, it was cheesy and melodramatic at points, but the overall message of the movie outshines all of that. Without spoiling it for anyone, let me suggest to anyone who also hasn't, to make it a point to watch it this year.
I walked away reflecting on my own wonderful life--something that the ladies I was with that night and I also took time to do mid-movie. It was so sweet to hear each dear friend telling just a bit about what makes up their wonderful life. Pictures and mementos of husbands, children, family and friends topped the list. And as tears glazed our eyes, we each nodded in understanding and agreement as sentiments reflecting perfectly imperfect lives were shared.
I left contemplating the intricate way in which God weaves together our lives... the people, the choices, the seasons both triumphant and trying...and I thought of this life void of me and wondered to myself, "have I left enough of a lasting imprint to have made a difference?"
I thought too of the names and faces who make up my world. I thought of their words of encouragement, times spent just breathing and being together, silly times, simple gestures of love, and acts of selfless service. I thought of times when their God-breathed prayers lifted me from dark and isolating seasons and gave me hope when I was at the edge of my own bridge. And I gave thanks for the undeniable evidence of impact they've left.
And I think of the future, unsure of what it holds, but certain it's full of goodness and almost as if on cue, the old familiar Louis Armstrong tune begins to pour out of my grateful soul....I smile contently, and I think to myself, "what a wonderful world."
(Go ahead...enjoy it here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM
Yes, it was cheesy and melodramatic at points, but the overall message of the movie outshines all of that. Without spoiling it for anyone, let me suggest to anyone who also hasn't, to make it a point to watch it this year.
I walked away reflecting on my own wonderful life--something that the ladies I was with that night and I also took time to do mid-movie. It was so sweet to hear each dear friend telling just a bit about what makes up their wonderful life. Pictures and mementos of husbands, children, family and friends topped the list. And as tears glazed our eyes, we each nodded in understanding and agreement as sentiments reflecting perfectly imperfect lives were shared.
I left contemplating the intricate way in which God weaves together our lives... the people, the choices, the seasons both triumphant and trying...and I thought of this life void of me and wondered to myself, "have I left enough of a lasting imprint to have made a difference?"
I thought too of the names and faces who make up my world. I thought of their words of encouragement, times spent just breathing and being together, silly times, simple gestures of love, and acts of selfless service. I thought of times when their God-breathed prayers lifted me from dark and isolating seasons and gave me hope when I was at the edge of my own bridge. And I gave thanks for the undeniable evidence of impact they've left.
And I think of the future, unsure of what it holds, but certain it's full of goodness and almost as if on cue, the old familiar Louis Armstrong tune begins to pour out of my grateful soul....I smile contently, and I think to myself, "what a wonderful world."
(Go ahead...enjoy it here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My Rough Draft Self...
Although I am a Processor by nature and I tend to process best when writing, I admittedly avoid writing things until I feel they're "polished enough" to be shared. Because of this, I often have extensive stretches of time in between blogging, as well as between the pages of a book that I've been "finishing" for a long time now... a very long time. I'll even frequently edit at great length the texts I'm preparing to send out as if they are some great literary work of genius...they're not...and it's silly really.
I've been wanting to write, there is something, whether it's by pen and paper, or by the familiar click of the keyboard beneath my fingertips, that is soothing to me. Laying my internal thoughts out in front of me is often both incredibly gut-wrenching and simultaneously therapeutic. Sharing them so vulnerably with others, however, is a whole other level of terrifying... yet I also somehow find it necessary. Maybe not necessary for the "you" reading this, (whoever you are), but necessary for me.
See, by default and habit, I am a Hider. I may share some of me with the world, but not all. Like my writing, I prefer sharing the polished up version, the spell-checked and grammar-checked version, and the finitely edited version of me. That, I convince myself, is what people want. The problem with that is, although it may read well, it's not the whole story. And I, like you, am just as much the typos and incomplete sentences of my story, as I am the eloquently crafted paragraphs.
So I'm writing now, giving myself permission to be a bit unpolished. In doing so, I know I am risking the dreaded "red pen" of judgment. I believe from time to time we all have the fear that someone will take that pen to the pages of our lives and like a college English professor, begin the process of circling the mistakes that seem so blatantly obvious to them, grading and critiquing what is our own unique and beautiful God-journey. And the truth is, they might. But I need to write. Words are my instrument and expressing them is life to me.
To be honest, this chapter of my story, doesn't feel so fairytale-ish. Perhaps you can relate. Recently, I was in a head-on collision with some very harsh realities and as a Divine result, I'm raw and broken, weak and emptied. It's a gloriously painful place of refining. I can say I am certainly not alone, but can still FEEL very lonely here in this place where, more than anything, it MUST be God and I.
Truth be told, I am tempted every day... (go ahead and put your red pens down for a minute, I've already corrected myself for this far more harshly than you ever could. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I too own one of those fancy red pens of judgment and have used it quite unfairly and all-too-liberally on myself as well. O.K. now, where were we? Ah yes, "I am tempted every day"... ) to run, to avoid, to "postpone" God's sovereign intervention to a later, more "convenient" date when I feel I'd be better equipped to handle all He's addressing. Seems only fair, as none of this was cleared by me and my schedule was already pretty full.
That said, I'd be lying if I tried to tell you that I haven't attempted (more than once) to figure out where God is hiding the remote control so I can hit the Fast Forward button on all of this and get to the "good part" of this page-turner of His.
And that's the ugly, unpolished, unedited truth.
And sure, even now as I prepare to hit "publish", I'd still prefer to present the "ready to print" final draft of myself to the world, who wouldn't? But I also see the beauty in unashamedly allowing others to view the flawed, scribbled throughout, authentic work in progress.
And perhaps...just maybe by doing so... some of you may find the courage to share your rough-draft self with the world too ...
I've been wanting to write, there is something, whether it's by pen and paper, or by the familiar click of the keyboard beneath my fingertips, that is soothing to me. Laying my internal thoughts out in front of me is often both incredibly gut-wrenching and simultaneously therapeutic. Sharing them so vulnerably with others, however, is a whole other level of terrifying... yet I also somehow find it necessary. Maybe not necessary for the "you" reading this, (whoever you are), but necessary for me.
See, by default and habit, I am a Hider. I may share some of me with the world, but not all. Like my writing, I prefer sharing the polished up version, the spell-checked and grammar-checked version, and the finitely edited version of me. That, I convince myself, is what people want. The problem with that is, although it may read well, it's not the whole story. And I, like you, am just as much the typos and incomplete sentences of my story, as I am the eloquently crafted paragraphs.
So I'm writing now, giving myself permission to be a bit unpolished. In doing so, I know I am risking the dreaded "red pen" of judgment. I believe from time to time we all have the fear that someone will take that pen to the pages of our lives and like a college English professor, begin the process of circling the mistakes that seem so blatantly obvious to them, grading and critiquing what is our own unique and beautiful God-journey. And the truth is, they might. But I need to write. Words are my instrument and expressing them is life to me.
To be honest, this chapter of my story, doesn't feel so fairytale-ish. Perhaps you can relate. Recently, I was in a head-on collision with some very harsh realities and as a Divine result, I'm raw and broken, weak and emptied. It's a gloriously painful place of refining. I can say I am certainly not alone, but can still FEEL very lonely here in this place where, more than anything, it MUST be God and I.
Truth be told, I am tempted every day... (go ahead and put your red pens down for a minute, I've already corrected myself for this far more harshly than you ever could. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I too own one of those fancy red pens of judgment and have used it quite unfairly and all-too-liberally on myself as well. O.K. now, where were we? Ah yes, "I am tempted every day"... ) to run, to avoid, to "postpone" God's sovereign intervention to a later, more "convenient" date when I feel I'd be better equipped to handle all He's addressing. Seems only fair, as none of this was cleared by me and my schedule was already pretty full.
That said, I'd be lying if I tried to tell you that I haven't attempted (more than once) to figure out where God is hiding the remote control so I can hit the Fast Forward button on all of this and get to the "good part" of this page-turner of His.
And that's the ugly, unpolished, unedited truth.
And sure, even now as I prepare to hit "publish", I'd still prefer to present the "ready to print" final draft of myself to the world, who wouldn't? But I also see the beauty in unashamedly allowing others to view the flawed, scribbled throughout, authentic work in progress.
And perhaps...just maybe by doing so... some of you may find the courage to share your rough-draft self with the world too ...
Sunday, February 16, 2014
How Far is Too Far?
In youth ministry, this provocative headline was an age-old question that we heard ALL the time in regards to...ahem..."relationships." Teenagers always wanted to know where the line was, how close they could get to it without "officially" crossing it. It was a question that was really just a hidden statement, "just tell us how much we can get away with without having to feel guilty later on."
This blog isn't about sex, so for those of you concerned about where I was going, exhale. For those of you who kept reading hoping I might be able to offer some insight on the subject, I will add this... if you're asking this question, you're asking the wrong question. Spend your days asking God to equip and empower you to live an honorable life worthy of your calling, not how you may wink at and toy with the "Blurred Lines" our society offers. Avoid the gray. Flee.
As I said, this isn't about that though. This question, birthed out of my own moment of reflection, is in regards to FORGIVENESS. How far is too far when it comes to forgiving someone? How many times are we as Christians "required" to forgive before it's considered enough? As I posed this question to God, I was reminded of a similar conversation that took place in Scripture.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)
Peter gets a bum rap for saying and doing some dumb things. But after just essentially asking the same question myself, I can easily identify with Peter. He was learning, just like you and I, how to be like Jesus. I believe he wanted the literal answer, not for an easy-out when he hit the limit, but so he'd know exactly what was required of him.
I get it, trust me, I get it. We want easily defined, cut-and-dry obedience. We want God to give us a check-list so we can proudly cross things off our list and say to God, "see? I did it!" Understand, I'm in no way minimizing obedience. Doing what is required of us is great. That's obedience. However, doing MORE than what is "required" of us is sometimes what is required of us. (Go ahead and reread that sentence a couple of times.)
Sometimes in the "seventy times seven" times, something in our heart realizes we've been keeping a mental tally and we may feel people have used up all their "get out of jail free" cards with us. We can feel we've exhausted our forgiveness, and often justifiably so. Only thing is, Jesus wasn't giving us a number here in his answer, he was giving us, well...an answer and a new way of doing things.
Sometimes forgiveness means going the extra mile.
"You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Mt. 5:38-42)
Forgiveness, as defined by the life of Christ, means laying down your life for others--yes even THEM. Forgiveness means extending grace and mercy when none is deserved or you feel you've got no more to give. Forgiveness means LOVING even the unlovable...not with a plastic, "churchy", fabricated kind of love, but with a love that humbly recognizes that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It means loving with a love that believes the best of EVERY person...the kind of love that can ONLY come from God Himself, for God is Love.
So for those of you who may also be asking God "How many times must I really forgive?" And that age-old question, "how far is too far?" Know that this is one case where you're going to find the answer urging you to go ahead and cross the line, giving you permission to look like Jesus and to love like Jesus and to go "too far"...just like Jesus.
This blog isn't about sex, so for those of you concerned about where I was going, exhale. For those of you who kept reading hoping I might be able to offer some insight on the subject, I will add this... if you're asking this question, you're asking the wrong question. Spend your days asking God to equip and empower you to live an honorable life worthy of your calling, not how you may wink at and toy with the "Blurred Lines" our society offers. Avoid the gray. Flee.
As I said, this isn't about that though. This question, birthed out of my own moment of reflection, is in regards to FORGIVENESS. How far is too far when it comes to forgiving someone? How many times are we as Christians "required" to forgive before it's considered enough? As I posed this question to God, I was reminded of a similar conversation that took place in Scripture.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)
Peter gets a bum rap for saying and doing some dumb things. But after just essentially asking the same question myself, I can easily identify with Peter. He was learning, just like you and I, how to be like Jesus. I believe he wanted the literal answer, not for an easy-out when he hit the limit, but so he'd know exactly what was required of him.
I get it, trust me, I get it. We want easily defined, cut-and-dry obedience. We want God to give us a check-list so we can proudly cross things off our list and say to God, "see? I did it!" Understand, I'm in no way minimizing obedience. Doing what is required of us is great. That's obedience. However, doing MORE than what is "required" of us is sometimes what is required of us. (Go ahead and reread that sentence a couple of times.)
Sometimes in the "seventy times seven" times, something in our heart realizes we've been keeping a mental tally and we may feel people have used up all their "get out of jail free" cards with us. We can feel we've exhausted our forgiveness, and often justifiably so. Only thing is, Jesus wasn't giving us a number here in his answer, he was giving us, well...an answer and a new way of doing things.
Sometimes forgiveness means going the extra mile.
"You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Mt. 5:38-42)
Forgiveness, as defined by the life of Christ, means laying down your life for others--yes even THEM. Forgiveness means extending grace and mercy when none is deserved or you feel you've got no more to give. Forgiveness means LOVING even the unlovable...not with a plastic, "churchy", fabricated kind of love, but with a love that humbly recognizes that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It means loving with a love that believes the best of EVERY person...the kind of love that can ONLY come from God Himself, for God is Love.
So for those of you who may also be asking God "How many times must I really forgive?" And that age-old question, "how far is too far?" Know that this is one case where you're going to find the answer urging you to go ahead and cross the line, giving you permission to look like Jesus and to love like Jesus and to go "too far"...just like Jesus.
Friday, September 6, 2013
on the other side of surrender...
Recently I had the opportunity to preach at church on the Holy Spirit and how often times experiencing His power is contingent on one word: surrender. Surrender is one of those tricky words that we often think we've got all figured out, until, that is, we realize we're not as surrendered as we might like to believe. If you're tracking with me here it's most likely because we are kindred personalities.
So what is surrender? What does surrender look like? Perhaps a better question is what isn't surrender? My pastor describes surrender somewhat this way, "surrender with conditions is no surrender at all." I'm not sure about you but I've found my "surrender" to be quite conditional more times than I care to admit. I don't wink at my stubborn tendencies and neither do I excuse them. Resistance, in any form, to the Holy Spirit is both grieving and foolish.
When faced with the cross, Jesus asked His Father to "let this cup pass from me." Today, faced with a cross of my own, I admit that I too am asking Him to take a cup from me that seems far too much for me to bear. The contents of it truly seems too impossible to swallow. Yet, as Jesus prayed, I can't deny that somewhere from within, my heart cries a surrendered, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
There are times that Love requires us to go where we can't imagine being able to go. There are times that Love requires us to do what we never imagined being able to do...this might just be one of those times.
As I process and wrestle with myself to accept His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him, He assures me that He is with me and there is even more victory on the other side of surrender...
So what is surrender? What does surrender look like? Perhaps a better question is what isn't surrender? My pastor describes surrender somewhat this way, "surrender with conditions is no surrender at all." I'm not sure about you but I've found my "surrender" to be quite conditional more times than I care to admit. I don't wink at my stubborn tendencies and neither do I excuse them. Resistance, in any form, to the Holy Spirit is both grieving and foolish.
When faced with the cross, Jesus asked His Father to "let this cup pass from me." Today, faced with a cross of my own, I admit that I too am asking Him to take a cup from me that seems far too much for me to bear. The contents of it truly seems too impossible to swallow. Yet, as Jesus prayed, I can't deny that somewhere from within, my heart cries a surrendered, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
There are times that Love requires us to go where we can't imagine being able to go. There are times that Love requires us to do what we never imagined being able to do...this might just be one of those times.
As I process and wrestle with myself to accept His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him, He assures me that He is with me and there is even more victory on the other side of surrender...
Monday, May 20, 2013
the rhythms of freedom...
I'm in one of those incredible seasons where God's voice and activity seem so close and so near. I cherish this. I contend for this. I don't take it for granted, and I pray it lasts. Although His nearness means surrendering layers and parts of me I was hesitant to give up, He is faithful and relentlessly tenacious in His pursuit to love and free us. And although I can sometimes feel like a hot-mess, He has more wonder-working power than I have "issues". Thank God!
Today, His challenge to me was to "re-learn the rhythms of freedom." He began to show me that for some time I had been "out of sync." As in the natural, when the rhythm is thrown off, the whole song is affected.
Acts 17:28 says this, "in Him we live, and MOVE, and have our being."
To "re-learn the rhythms of freedom", is to re-learn the rhythm of living and moving IN HIM. He is Freedom, it is His very name! Where He is, there is FREEDOM. (2 Corinthians 3:17) Yes, walking in freedom takes our cooperation with and yieldedness to Him, but freedom is not struggle! Freedom is a gift, already purchased and ready for us to receive!
Today, I am overwhelmingly grateful for His never-ending pursuit to have all of me. Today, I will watch Him and listen with my ear pressed to His chest. Today I will allow Him the honor of leading this dance, and will enjoy simply swaying to the song He is singing over me!
Today, His challenge to me was to "re-learn the rhythms of freedom." He began to show me that for some time I had been "out of sync." As in the natural, when the rhythm is thrown off, the whole song is affected.
Acts 17:28 says this, "in Him we live, and MOVE, and have our being."
To "re-learn the rhythms of freedom", is to re-learn the rhythm of living and moving IN HIM. He is Freedom, it is His very name! Where He is, there is FREEDOM. (2 Corinthians 3:17) Yes, walking in freedom takes our cooperation with and yieldedness to Him, but freedom is not struggle! Freedom is a gift, already purchased and ready for us to receive!
Today, I am overwhelmingly grateful for His never-ending pursuit to have all of me. Today, I will watch Him and listen with my ear pressed to His chest. Today I will allow Him the honor of leading this dance, and will enjoy simply swaying to the song He is singing over me!
Friday, April 19, 2013
A Letter To Me...
I watched a show tonight where a woman wrote a letter to her childhood self. I've heard of people doing that before, but never felt the need to until tonight. As I switched off the t.v., something in me knew I had to. I had no intention of sharing it. I actually hand wrote it in a journal and thought, "that was that." I was wrong. God began to stir my heart in that unmistakable way He does.
I've committed to God to share my story, to share my real journey with others because somebody, somewhere might just need it. I can't hoard His goodness.
I remember the first time I heard someone else sharing "my story"...it was their testimony, but it was mine too...it changed my life forever. She lived to tell her story. So did I. So I obediently write in hopes that someone else might be encouraged and made whole and maybe even write a letter of their own.
A Letter To Me...
"Dear Kimmy.
I'm writing this letter to you, the three year old girl I once was, because there are some things you need to know. I'm thirty-six now, and I've truly never been happier. I'm living the life we never imagined possible. I want you to know, sweet girl, that there are better days ahead. The darkness won't last forever. There will be more bad days than good for many years, but know that it won't last forever.
You won't just be happy in the future, you will have real joy and lasting peace. You will KNOW that you are loved and that will begin to make all the difference. I know that right now you are terrified by what's going on. I know you don't understand why this is happening and are wondering if it will ever end. It will sweet girl.
I know that being abandoned and left to live in strange homes with strange people is terrifying to such a little girl. I know you feel like it's all your fault. Please hear me when I say, none of this is your fault. You are a child. You don't deserve to be abandoned, mistreated, devalued. You don't deserve to be defiled and abused. You deserve to be loved, protected, treasured, and safe...every little girl does.
There will be days when you despise being a girl. There will even be days when you despise being alive. Hold on. You will soon discover that God Himself is your Daddy and He has a plan for all of this. You'll see.
You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake.
God Himself planned for you and He says, "you will live and not die and will declare the works of the Lord." That word will sustain you and prove itself truth in your life. I know it's hard for such a small child to comprehend, but you'll discover it's all true soon, I promise.
I know right now, you can't imagine life at thirty-six because you can't allow yourself to even imagine surviving another day...but you will. You will, in fact, survive a whole lot of "another days." Some of them, sadly, will be far worse than the ones you know now. I wish it weren't so, but it is. However, there are also days coming that God will begin to redeem everything--ALL of it. These days will far outshine them all, you'll see.
You have to know you will be o.k. I know there's nobody there to tell you that right now, but if you listen, I promise you that you'll begin to hear the voice of God--even at this early age--and He will whisper comforts to your soul.
Life will continue even after those moments when it seems like it's all over. Life will continue even when you're begging in agony for it to all just end. There are some prayers, you'll see, that His answer to is, "no." He has a plan. I know you can't see it yet, but I promise you He does.
Much will be taken from you, little one, but much more will be given back to you...more than you can ever imagine. Even now, as I write, I know that there is much more still to be restored as I am daily being lavishly ransomed.
You will have many questions on this journey, and few will be answered to your human liking--you will come to accept that. You will be o.k. You will find wholeness that will far supersede the anguish and sorrow your tiny heart now feels. You will find a purpose in all of this and for you, that will be enough.
I wish I could rescue you somehow, but that is not the way this story goes. My heart breaks for your innocence, yet my spirit peacefully rejoices in knowing that YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED. You live...I live...and the story continues."
-Kimberly
I've committed to God to share my story, to share my real journey with others because somebody, somewhere might just need it. I can't hoard His goodness.
I remember the first time I heard someone else sharing "my story"...it was their testimony, but it was mine too...it changed my life forever. She lived to tell her story. So did I. So I obediently write in hopes that someone else might be encouraged and made whole and maybe even write a letter of their own.
A Letter To Me...
"Dear Kimmy.
I'm writing this letter to you, the three year old girl I once was, because there are some things you need to know. I'm thirty-six now, and I've truly never been happier. I'm living the life we never imagined possible. I want you to know, sweet girl, that there are better days ahead. The darkness won't last forever. There will be more bad days than good for many years, but know that it won't last forever.You won't just be happy in the future, you will have real joy and lasting peace. You will KNOW that you are loved and that will begin to make all the difference. I know that right now you are terrified by what's going on. I know you don't understand why this is happening and are wondering if it will ever end. It will sweet girl.
I know that being abandoned and left to live in strange homes with strange people is terrifying to such a little girl. I know you feel like it's all your fault. Please hear me when I say, none of this is your fault. You are a child. You don't deserve to be abandoned, mistreated, devalued. You don't deserve to be defiled and abused. You deserve to be loved, protected, treasured, and safe...every little girl does.
There will be days when you despise being a girl. There will even be days when you despise being alive. Hold on. You will soon discover that God Himself is your Daddy and He has a plan for all of this. You'll see.
You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake.
God Himself planned for you and He says, "you will live and not die and will declare the works of the Lord." That word will sustain you and prove itself truth in your life. I know it's hard for such a small child to comprehend, but you'll discover it's all true soon, I promise.
I know right now, you can't imagine life at thirty-six because you can't allow yourself to even imagine surviving another day...but you will. You will, in fact, survive a whole lot of "another days." Some of them, sadly, will be far worse than the ones you know now. I wish it weren't so, but it is. However, there are also days coming that God will begin to redeem everything--ALL of it. These days will far outshine them all, you'll see.
You have to know you will be o.k. I know there's nobody there to tell you that right now, but if you listen, I promise you that you'll begin to hear the voice of God--even at this early age--and He will whisper comforts to your soul.
Life will continue even after those moments when it seems like it's all over. Life will continue even when you're begging in agony for it to all just end. There are some prayers, you'll see, that His answer to is, "no." He has a plan. I know you can't see it yet, but I promise you He does.
Much will be taken from you, little one, but much more will be given back to you...more than you can ever imagine. Even now, as I write, I know that there is much more still to be restored as I am daily being lavishly ransomed.
You will have many questions on this journey, and few will be answered to your human liking--you will come to accept that. You will be o.k. You will find wholeness that will far supersede the anguish and sorrow your tiny heart now feels. You will find a purpose in all of this and for you, that will be enough.
I wish I could rescue you somehow, but that is not the way this story goes. My heart breaks for your innocence, yet my spirit peacefully rejoices in knowing that YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED. You live...I live...and the story continues."
-Kimberly
Friday, February 22, 2013
Ten years later...
Ten years ago today, my world and everything in it changed as I knew it. Ten years ago my world stopped abruptly without my permission. Ten years ago I was thrust into a chaotic, screaming whirlwind that disheveled all normalcy and threatened to destroy the very foundations of my being. Ten years ago today my sister died.
After struggling to drift off to sleep far too late last night, I awoke today to that all-too-familiar heaviness one author calls, "The Great Sadness". It isn't that it sprung itself on me suddenly, no, it's frequently looming unseen and undetectable to the naked eye. On a day like today, however, when dates and times and events forever etched on your soul press so unapologetically they can suffocate, that great sadness is relentless.
Today is much like THAT day ten years ago... as I sit in Starbucks, processing my invisible aches, I am surrounded by bustling people unaware-- their lives somehow unscathed by the trauma that nearly cost me mine. This used to make me feel so bitter, knowing that for some, a "bad day" is categorically nothing more than unfortunate hair days and rush hour traffic. Today, after years of being too intimately acquainted with grief, I am thankful that in His sovereignty, this is not God's chosen path for all.
For those who have thus far escaped the incessant pain of loss...
For those who have never had to say goodbye too soon...
For those who have never faced the words cancer... or terminal... or code blue...
For them, I am thankful that they don't know.
But for those who do know, for those who are also gravely familiar with sorrow, I offer you more than my sympathy. I have not walked in the shoes that you've probably struggled to simply just put on some days. I will never know your exact journey so I will not offer you trite words better saved for bumper stickers. What I extend to you today, ten years later, is hope.
A dear friend of mine explained a scenario the other day of waking up to watch the sun rise and due to a rather dreary Austin morning, the sun's arrival on that day was hidden from her view. It wasn't that the sun didn't come up, it did-- it always does, but because of the clouds and the engulfing gloom, it was simply undetectable. She was left in the reality of the gray-- wishing and wanting and waiting for the warmth of the sun's rays.
Today, even as I sit here typing these words, the sun is beginning its accent into the sky and I am reminded that clouds do not have the power to keep the sun from shining--they can only temporarily hide it.
The sun will rise again--it's rising even now while you may still be sitting in the hazy aftermath of your own tragedy.
You may find it too much to bear. You may want to draw the curtains shut. You may want to forever bury yourself beneath the covers and from its rays but know this...
The sun will rise again.
God never promised us days without rain. It may rain and you might just be caught off-guard in the storm without an umbrella-- left feeling scared, alone, and unprepared...but just wait...
The sun will rise again.
When it does, it may happen for you as it has for me, that you find yourself welcoming the warmth it gives and the growth that only it produces. You may find yourself stretching out beneath its golden-hued goodness and feeling grateful for a new day.
Ten years later you may still encounter a few clouds now and then, but if you decide to, you can and WILL endure them. And soon, if you can manage to keep throwing off the covers and putting on your shoes, soon enough you will LIVE.
"My life was suddenly divided into before and after, and there was no going back to before. But then I realized I had a CHOICE to live the after. I had to decide."
After struggling to drift off to sleep far too late last night, I awoke today to that all-too-familiar heaviness one author calls, "The Great Sadness". It isn't that it sprung itself on me suddenly, no, it's frequently looming unseen and undetectable to the naked eye. On a day like today, however, when dates and times and events forever etched on your soul press so unapologetically they can suffocate, that great sadness is relentless.
Today is much like THAT day ten years ago... as I sit in Starbucks, processing my invisible aches, I am surrounded by bustling people unaware-- their lives somehow unscathed by the trauma that nearly cost me mine. This used to make me feel so bitter, knowing that for some, a "bad day" is categorically nothing more than unfortunate hair days and rush hour traffic. Today, after years of being too intimately acquainted with grief, I am thankful that in His sovereignty, this is not God's chosen path for all.
For those who have thus far escaped the incessant pain of loss...
For those who have never had to say goodbye too soon...
For those who have never faced the words cancer... or terminal... or code blue...
For them, I am thankful that they don't know.
But for those who do know, for those who are also gravely familiar with sorrow, I offer you more than my sympathy. I have not walked in the shoes that you've probably struggled to simply just put on some days. I will never know your exact journey so I will not offer you trite words better saved for bumper stickers. What I extend to you today, ten years later, is hope.
A dear friend of mine explained a scenario the other day of waking up to watch the sun rise and due to a rather dreary Austin morning, the sun's arrival on that day was hidden from her view. It wasn't that the sun didn't come up, it did-- it always does, but because of the clouds and the engulfing gloom, it was simply undetectable. She was left in the reality of the gray-- wishing and wanting and waiting for the warmth of the sun's rays.
Today, even as I sit here typing these words, the sun is beginning its accent into the sky and I am reminded that clouds do not have the power to keep the sun from shining--they can only temporarily hide it.
The sun will rise again--it's rising even now while you may still be sitting in the hazy aftermath of your own tragedy.
You may find it too much to bear. You may want to draw the curtains shut. You may want to forever bury yourself beneath the covers and from its rays but know this...
The sun will rise again.
God never promised us days without rain. It may rain and you might just be caught off-guard in the storm without an umbrella-- left feeling scared, alone, and unprepared...but just wait...
The sun will rise again.
When it does, it may happen for you as it has for me, that you find yourself welcoming the warmth it gives and the growth that only it produces. You may find yourself stretching out beneath its golden-hued goodness and feeling grateful for a new day.
Ten years later you may still encounter a few clouds now and then, but if you decide to, you can and WILL endure them. And soon, if you can manage to keep throwing off the covers and putting on your shoes, soon enough you will LIVE.
"My life was suddenly divided into before and after, and there was no going back to before. But then I realized I had a CHOICE to live the after. I had to decide."
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Fruit flies and other nasty critters...
My otherwise lovely and comfy home has been infested by the vile and relentless "Drosophila Melanogaster", most commonly known as the pesky fruit fly. No doubt if you've ever found yourself in the great man vs. fruit fly battle, you can sympathize.
In my venomous rage against this minuscule pest, I'd like to lay all the blame on them, imagining that they appeared from nowhere choosing to maliciously attack me for no apparent reason at all. Truth be told, I am to blame.
In much-too-much of a rush to get out the door, I CHOSE to ignore the trashcan full of remnant vegetable peelings and fruit discards, figuring that it could wait until my return home a week later. It waited alright...it and what seemed like hundreds of its closest new friends.
One week, three goopy fly strips, and lots of research later, I am NEARLY rid of the Drosophila Melanogaster. (Is it just me or does it rightfully sound like a fatal disease?)
Lesson learned?
First, take out the trash. No matter how much of a hurry you're in, no matter how inconvenient, no matter WHAT...take out the trash!
Equally as important, protect the still-good fruit (and vegetables). Yes, they look pretty nicely displayed in a wire basket on the counter, but if you see even one critter eye-balling your freshly ripened apples & bananas, hide the fruit!
Pay attention to ALL the critters looking to invade your space. What we think is tiny and insignificant can turn into an outright invasion! Guard yourself and your family by "taking out the trash" in your lives before it rots and stinks up your house--things like anger, jealousy, rudeness, selfishness, pride, hatred, etc., are all bug bait!
Lastly, be attentive to guard the good fruit your lives are producing (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control) and give fruit flies and other nasty critters no room to buzz about in your home...
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around(like a roaring lion (or an annoying fruit fly) looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)
In my venomous rage against this minuscule pest, I'd like to lay all the blame on them, imagining that they appeared from nowhere choosing to maliciously attack me for no apparent reason at all. Truth be told, I am to blame.
In much-too-much of a rush to get out the door, I CHOSE to ignore the trashcan full of remnant vegetable peelings and fruit discards, figuring that it could wait until my return home a week later. It waited alright...it and what seemed like hundreds of its closest new friends.
One week, three goopy fly strips, and lots of research later, I am NEARLY rid of the Drosophila Melanogaster. (Is it just me or does it rightfully sound like a fatal disease?)
Lesson learned?
First, take out the trash. No matter how much of a hurry you're in, no matter how inconvenient, no matter WHAT...take out the trash!
Equally as important, protect the still-good fruit (and vegetables). Yes, they look pretty nicely displayed in a wire basket on the counter, but if you see even one critter eye-balling your freshly ripened apples & bananas, hide the fruit!
Pay attention to ALL the critters looking to invade your space. What we think is tiny and insignificant can turn into an outright invasion! Guard yourself and your family by "taking out the trash" in your lives before it rots and stinks up your house--things like anger, jealousy, rudeness, selfishness, pride, hatred, etc., are all bug bait!
Lastly, be attentive to guard the good fruit your lives are producing (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control) and give fruit flies and other nasty critters no room to buzz about in your home...
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around(like a roaring lion (or an annoying fruit fly) looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Let Freedom be your new name....
If you've ever been victimized, in any way, you no doubt have carried the weight of that trauma for far too long and if you're like me you've branded yourself a "victim." The problem with the label of victim is the mentality it breeds and the strongholds it forges in your soul. Years after the trauma, the "victim" is still tethered to and identified by the very crimes and offenses they're trying to escape --you live each day of your present a slave to the past. THIS is not freedom!
A victim mentality will contaminate everything it touches and every life it comes in contact with, eventually tainting and putrefying all that it encounters, leaving behind a stench of rotting flesh.
From one former "victim" to the many others who may relate, THIS is not freedom!
A victim mentality will contaminate everything it touches and every life it comes in contact with, eventually tainting and putrefying all that it encounters, leaving behind a stench of rotting flesh.
From one former "victim" to the many others who may relate, THIS is not freedom!
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Guard the Drain!!!
Washing dishes today, my spirit was suddenly flooded with a picture I knew was for a beloved friend, but quickly realized what a great lesson for us all.
I saw an over-flowing bathtub and a hand then reaching in to pull the plug and empty the water. It was a slow but steady leaking out at first, but then soon, as quickly as the water was being poured in it was being sucked down and out the tiny drain.
God began to show me that we are those tubs, He is the Ever-Flowing Fountain pouring in His presence, His life, His provisions and blessings, His strength, His peace, His love...
This hand of the enemy came subtly and swiftly, often undetected at first, reaching in to drain us of all the goodness of God that surrounds us, leaving us sapped and drained of all that is meant to sustain us.
What God is constantly and lovingly pouring into us is ours to receive and soak in. In his sneaky and intrusive schemes, satan comes to steal, kill, destroy. Be alert! Don't fall asleep in the tub! The Lord has come to give us life and life abundantly, to saturate us in all His fullness, and then to let that life spill over and onto all those in our bone-weary and dehydrated worlds.
Soak the entirety of your being in the over-flowing goodness of God today--get good and wrinkly in it!!! And then refuse to allow the enemy of your soul to pull the plug. Don't let your peace go down the drain! Don't watch your health, finances, hope, faith, strength, and life spiral down and out of your tub! Immerse yourself in the cleansing, invigorating, and revitalizing waters and then whatever you do, guard the drain!
(Psalm 36:9- "For You, Oh Lord, are The Fountain of Life!")
I saw an over-flowing bathtub and a hand then reaching in to pull the plug and empty the water. It was a slow but steady leaking out at first, but then soon, as quickly as the water was being poured in it was being sucked down and out the tiny drain.
God began to show me that we are those tubs, He is the Ever-Flowing Fountain pouring in His presence, His life, His provisions and blessings, His strength, His peace, His love...
This hand of the enemy came subtly and swiftly, often undetected at first, reaching in to drain us of all the goodness of God that surrounds us, leaving us sapped and drained of all that is meant to sustain us.
What God is constantly and lovingly pouring into us is ours to receive and soak in. In his sneaky and intrusive schemes, satan comes to steal, kill, destroy. Be alert! Don't fall asleep in the tub! The Lord has come to give us life and life abundantly, to saturate us in all His fullness, and then to let that life spill over and onto all those in our bone-weary and dehydrated worlds.
Soak the entirety of your being in the over-flowing goodness of God today--get good and wrinkly in it!!! And then refuse to allow the enemy of your soul to pull the plug. Don't let your peace go down the drain! Don't watch your health, finances, hope, faith, strength, and life spiral down and out of your tub! Immerse yourself in the cleansing, invigorating, and revitalizing waters and then whatever you do, guard the drain!
(Psalm 36:9- "For You, Oh Lord, are The Fountain of Life!")
Monday, September 3, 2012
feast...
I read a devotion today that has me picturing the emotional state of far too many of us. I began seeing humanity flooding the street corners of life, downtrodden and filthy, holding up tattered bits of cardboard that read, "will_________ for love." The blanks are filled with verbs as diverse as the faces that hold them, expressing the desperate lengths that this love-starved population will go to for this precious and crucial commodity.
I myself have panhandled for love. I have crouched in gutters and approached perfect strangers hoping for crumbs of approval and acceptance, when just beyond my blurred sight, a banquet had been prepared for me. Perhaps you can relate.
"Like beggars we go from person to person with our empty cup crying, 'can't you add anything to my life?' They might throw in a coin or two. But when we shake the cup, the tinny echo reminds us how empty we remain." (Beth Moore)
Today, we have this promise-- God is Love. His love fills. His love satisfies. His love is freely given and ours for the taking- not as pathetic, scrounging paupers, but as His beloved sons and daughters who are invited to come boldly before Him and receive!
Hear His invitation, "Come to My banqueting table. My banner over you is love, see it waving wildly overhead? It's there to cover you, to protect you, to provide and satisy you. While here, get a good taste of who I am--have your fill! See??? I AM GOOD. My love never fails, never leaves, never disappoints, never ceases for you. You are My Beloved. That is your new name, your identity. You are My Beloved, and I Am yours. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can separate you from My love, so rest in that and allow Me to teach you to trust in that. Turn from your former vagabond ways and let Me be your shelter."
Feast on Him today and find your fullness in Him. Raise your cup up to be filled with Living Water and thirst no more. Raise your cup to be filled, and then turn to the needy and love-starved right next to you and invite them to do the same--rest assure there is plenty for everyone. He is the Love that never runs dry!
"Until we allow Jesus to fill our cups daily, we simply subsist. Sooner or later, God will make sure we confront the poverty of living on the alms of others so that we may learn to feast on Him." (Beth Moore)
Let's toss the signs aside and feast friends...
"He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love for love waved as a protecting and comforting banner over my head when I was near Him." (Song of Solomon 2:4 AMP)
"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are." (1 John 3:1 MSG)
" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ( Romans 8:38-39 NIV)
I myself have panhandled for love. I have crouched in gutters and approached perfect strangers hoping for crumbs of approval and acceptance, when just beyond my blurred sight, a banquet had been prepared for me. Perhaps you can relate.
"Like beggars we go from person to person with our empty cup crying, 'can't you add anything to my life?' They might throw in a coin or two. But when we shake the cup, the tinny echo reminds us how empty we remain." (Beth Moore)
Today, we have this promise-- God is Love. His love fills. His love satisfies. His love is freely given and ours for the taking- not as pathetic, scrounging paupers, but as His beloved sons and daughters who are invited to come boldly before Him and receive!
Hear His invitation, "Come to My banqueting table. My banner over you is love, see it waving wildly overhead? It's there to cover you, to protect you, to provide and satisy you. While here, get a good taste of who I am--have your fill! See??? I AM GOOD. My love never fails, never leaves, never disappoints, never ceases for you. You are My Beloved. That is your new name, your identity. You are My Beloved, and I Am yours. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can separate you from My love, so rest in that and allow Me to teach you to trust in that. Turn from your former vagabond ways and let Me be your shelter."
Feast on Him today and find your fullness in Him. Raise your cup up to be filled with Living Water and thirst no more. Raise your cup to be filled, and then turn to the needy and love-starved right next to you and invite them to do the same--rest assure there is plenty for everyone. He is the Love that never runs dry!
"Until we allow Jesus to fill our cups daily, we simply subsist. Sooner or later, God will make sure we confront the poverty of living on the alms of others so that we may learn to feast on Him." (Beth Moore)
Let's toss the signs aside and feast friends...
"He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love for love waved as a protecting and comforting banner over my head when I was near Him." (Song of Solomon 2:4 AMP)
"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are." (1 John 3:1 MSG)
" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ( Romans 8:38-39 NIV)
Monday, August 27, 2012
In the aftermath...
The dictionary defines aftermath as, "the resulting consequences of an event of great magnitude." It's one of those words reserved for moments of disaster and devastation, when lives are left in ruin and it's clear that things will never again be the same.
I, like far-too-many, was born in aftermath. I was raised in aftermath. I am a survivor of aftermath
And it was in aftermath that Jesus found me, buried beneath a lifetime of ruble.
One forgets the smell of fresh air when they've inhaled soot and shame their entire journey.
People always say, " and I've never looked back" and I get it. It's crucial that we live pressing onward and living free from our pasts. If I'm being brutally honest, however, I do look back from time to time. I see the smoldering ruins and wonder what life would have been, who this child of aftermath would have become.
It's the gripping reality of the magnitude of His rescue that ever-stirs me to love Him more. It haunts me in the most glorious of ways.
"In that moment of glorious surrender,
Was the moment You broke the chains in me.
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath." (Hillsong United- "Aftermath")
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Wake up and live...
Recently the Lord has unearthed a long-buried dream in my heart. Despite having "died" to this desire a few years back, God has made it crystal clear that the resurrection of this hope (that I had begun denying even existed) is in fact the work of His hands. He has awakened this lifeless dream and has done nothing short of reviving and unleashing this dreamer.
It is in this "divine awakeness" that I have learned a thing or two about guarding these dreams,these treasured "yet-to-be" destined moments of God, as well as protecting the vulnerably hopeful dreamer.
1.Allow yourself to be excited!
Give yourself permission to be unapologetically and unashamedly excited! There is enough in this world that, by design of the enemy, steals our enthusiasm and unabashed joy. If God stirs and awakens a dream- NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD-permit yourself to experience the bubbling anticipation that comes along with it.
2. Find yourself some "Dream-Breathers".
"Dream-Breathers" are those who are proven trustworthy and love you in such a way that they are committed to seeing you have and enjoy the abundant life God has planned for you. "Dream-Breathers" hear the often irrationally sounding God-desires of your heart and come alongside you in a way that communicates, "your dreams are sacred and safe with me. I see that too, I agree, I will walk with you into the fruition of that destiny."
"Dream-Breathers" are a rarity to be treasured--their words, their prayers, their confirmations and affirmations all cheer you on and release the life-breath of God into the fertilizing atmosphere of faith that surrounds you and your fragile dream seeds. If you identify "Dream-Breathers" in your world, position yourself closer in humility and transparency, share and keep sharing the precious dreams of your heart, invite them into your expectancy and allow them to celebrate the awakening with you.
3. Hold tight to the joyful expectations no matter what comes along!!!
The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy and his blood-thirstiness can easily sniff out a newly awakened dream or dreamer. Be aware and alert and vigilant. REFUSE to forfeit your God-given excitement, joy, and expectancy at all costs! These are more than merely "nice" emotions, these are the power-infused components of faith that escort a dream from the "yet-to-be" place to divine fulfillment. Again, giving yourself permission to be unapologetically and unashamedly excited about the stirring hand of God is crucial to the well-being of both the dream and the dreamer. Therefore, hold tight and don't let go of your joyful expectations.
While it is true that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, the rivaling and far more powerful promise of God is this- that He has come that we may have and enjoy an abundant life!
Experiencing the abundant life happens when you wake up and begin to dream again. There is a fog that lifts, a clarity, and an unrivaled excitement-the kind that keeps you on the edge of your seat holding your breath,every inch of your being poised with expectancy. You function at a newly-found and heightened sense of awareness that something life-altering and mind-blowing is "just around the corner". Butterflies in the pit of your stomach keep you alert and vigilant, looking and listening intently for any sign of movement. You are awake and alive in the truest ways. And if you pause just long enough perhaps you'll hear the words I heard, "Beloved, wake up and live!"
It is in this "divine awakeness" that I have learned a thing or two about guarding these dreams,these treasured "yet-to-be" destined moments of God, as well as protecting the vulnerably hopeful dreamer.
1.Allow yourself to be excited!
Give yourself permission to be unapologetically and unashamedly excited! There is enough in this world that, by design of the enemy, steals our enthusiasm and unabashed joy. If God stirs and awakens a dream- NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD-permit yourself to experience the bubbling anticipation that comes along with it.
2. Find yourself some "Dream-Breathers".
"Dream-Breathers" are those who are proven trustworthy and love you in such a way that they are committed to seeing you have and enjoy the abundant life God has planned for you. "Dream-Breathers" hear the often irrationally sounding God-desires of your heart and come alongside you in a way that communicates, "your dreams are sacred and safe with me. I see that too, I agree, I will walk with you into the fruition of that destiny."
"Dream-Breathers" are a rarity to be treasured--their words, their prayers, their confirmations and affirmations all cheer you on and release the life-breath of God into the fertilizing atmosphere of faith that surrounds you and your fragile dream seeds. If you identify "Dream-Breathers" in your world, position yourself closer in humility and transparency, share and keep sharing the precious dreams of your heart, invite them into your expectancy and allow them to celebrate the awakening with you.
3. Hold tight to the joyful expectations no matter what comes along!!!
The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy and his blood-thirstiness can easily sniff out a newly awakened dream or dreamer. Be aware and alert and vigilant. REFUSE to forfeit your God-given excitement, joy, and expectancy at all costs! These are more than merely "nice" emotions, these are the power-infused components of faith that escort a dream from the "yet-to-be" place to divine fulfillment. Again, giving yourself permission to be unapologetically and unashamedly excited about the stirring hand of God is crucial to the well-being of both the dream and the dreamer. Therefore, hold tight and don't let go of your joyful expectations.
While it is true that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, the rivaling and far more powerful promise of God is this- that He has come that we may have and enjoy an abundant life!
Experiencing the abundant life happens when you wake up and begin to dream again. There is a fog that lifts, a clarity, and an unrivaled excitement-the kind that keeps you on the edge of your seat holding your breath,every inch of your being poised with expectancy. You function at a newly-found and heightened sense of awareness that something life-altering and mind-blowing is "just around the corner". Butterflies in the pit of your stomach keep you alert and vigilant, looking and listening intently for any sign of movement. You are awake and alive in the truest ways. And if you pause just long enough perhaps you'll hear the words I heard, "Beloved, wake up and live!"
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
"To be" list...
I am a self-confessed lover of "to do" lists. I love everything about them, maybe too much. I enjoy the calculated thought process almost as much as I enjoy the actual act of putting pen to crisp paper, but I love nothing greater about them than the feeling of drawing a line of completion through each individual task. Anyone who can relate is sure to have a great number of notepads and Post-Its nearby, as well as plenty of pens always handy. List writing is a continual,rotating process as there is always a non-stop flow of things to do and things done, but a hardcore list-maker finds this productive not frustrating.
Driving to a meeting Monday morning, I began to mentally make one such list for the week ahead. Midway through my thought process, I was interrupted by a Holy Spirit thought..."what if you began today not with your "to do" list but a "to BE" list. As I allowed this word to settle in my spirit, something in me was stirred to respond, "Today, I plan to BE...selfless, loving, generous, peaceful, joyful, life-giving, content, inspiring, obedient, attentive and responsive to the voice of God, and on, and on, and on...
Because of this brief Monday morning encounter,my days this week have started and ended differently . And although I will forever be a maker of "to do" lists,writing them will no longer be #1 on that list,for as we're often reminded, we are human BEINGS before we are human DOINGS. So,that said,what's on your "to BE" list??? Selah...
Driving to a meeting Monday morning, I began to mentally make one such list for the week ahead. Midway through my thought process, I was interrupted by a Holy Spirit thought..."what if you began today not with your "to do" list but a "to BE" list. As I allowed this word to settle in my spirit, something in me was stirred to respond, "Today, I plan to BE...selfless, loving, generous, peaceful, joyful, life-giving, content, inspiring, obedient, attentive and responsive to the voice of God, and on, and on, and on...
Because of this brief Monday morning encounter,my days this week have started and ended differently . And although I will forever be a maker of "to do" lists,writing them will no longer be #1 on that list,for as we're often reminded, we are human BEINGS before we are human DOINGS. So,that said,what's on your "to BE" list??? Selah...
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