A Letter To Me...

I watched a  show tonight where a woman wrote a letter to her childhood self.  I've heard of people doing that before, but never felt the need to until tonight.  As I switched off the t.v., something in me knew I had to.  I had no intention of sharing it.  I actually hand wrote it in a journal and thought, "that was that."  I was wrong. God began to stir my heart in that unmistakable way He does.

 I've committed to God to share my story, to share my real journey with others because somebody, somewhere might just need it.  I can't hoard His goodness.

I remember the first time I heard someone else sharing "my story"...it was their testimony, but it was mine too...it changed my life forever.  She lived to tell her story.  So did I.  So I obediently write in hopes that someone else might be encouraged and made whole and maybe even write a letter of their own.



A Letter To Me...

"Dear Kimmy.

I'm writing this letter to you, the three year old girl I once was, because there are some things you need to know.  I'm thirty-six now, and I've truly never been happier.  I'm living the life we never imagined possible.  I want you to know, sweet girl, that there are better days ahead.  The darkness won't last forever.  There will be more bad days than good for many years,  but know that it won't last forever.

You won't just be happy in the future, you will have real joy and lasting peace.  You will KNOW that you are loved and that will begin to make all the difference.  I know that right now you are terrified by what's going on.  I know you don't understand why this is happening and are wondering if it will ever end.  It will sweet girl.

I know that being abandoned and left to live in strange homes with strange people is terrifying to such a little girl.  I know you feel like it's all your fault.  Please hear me when I say, none of this is your fault.  You are a child.  You don't deserve to be abandoned, mistreated, devalued.  You don't deserve to be defiled and abused. You deserve to be loved, protected, treasured, and safe...every little girl does.

There will be days when you despise being a girl.  There will even be days when you despise being alive. Hold on.  You will soon discover that God Himself is your Daddy and He has a plan for all of this.  You'll see.

You aren't a mistake.  You aren't a mistake.  You aren't a mistake.

God Himself planned for you and He says, "you will live and not die and will declare the works of the Lord."  That word will sustain you and prove itself truth in your life.  I know it's hard for such a small child to comprehend, but you'll discover it's all true soon, I promise.

I know right now, you can't imagine life at thirty-six because you can't allow yourself to even imagine surviving another day...but you will.  You will, in fact, survive a whole lot of "another days."  Some of them, sadly, will be far worse than the ones you know now.  I wish it weren't so, but it is.  However, there are also days coming that God will begin to redeem everything--ALL of it.  These days will far outshine them all, you'll see.

You have to know you will be o.k.  I know there's nobody there to tell you that right now, but if you listen, I promise you that you'll begin to hear the voice of God--even at this early age--and He will whisper comforts to your soul. 

Life will continue even after those moments when it seems like it's all over.  Life will continue even when you're begging in agony for it to all just end.  There are some prayers, you'll see, that His answer to is, "no."  He has a plan.  I know you can't see it yet, but I promise you He does.

Much will be taken from you, little one, but much more will be given back to you...more than you can ever imagine.  Even now, as I write, I know that there is much more still to be restored as I am daily being lavishly ransomed.

You will have many questions on this journey, and few will be answered to your human liking--you will come to accept that. You will be o.k.  You will find wholeness that will far supersede the anguish and sorrow your tiny heart now feels.  You will find a purpose in all of this and for you, that will be enough.

I wish I could rescue you somehow, but that is not the way this story goes.  My heart breaks for your innocence, yet my spirit peacefully rejoices in knowing that YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED.  You live...I live...and the story continues."

-Kimberly

Ten years later...

Ten years ago today, my world and everything in it changed as I knew it.  Ten years ago my world stopped abruptly without my permission.  Ten years ago I was thrust into a chaotic, screaming whirlwind that disheveled all normalcy and threatened to destroy the very foundations of my being.  Ten years ago today my sister died.

After struggling to drift off to sleep far too late last night, I awoke today to that all-too-familiar heaviness one author calls, "The Great Sadness".  It isn't that it sprung itself on me suddenly, no, it's frequently looming unseen and undetectable to the naked eye.  On a day like today, however, when dates and times and events forever etched on your soul press so unapologetically they can suffocate, that great sadness is relentless.

Today is much like THAT day ten years ago... as I sit in Starbucks, processing my invisible aches, I am  surrounded by bustling people unaware-- their lives somehow unscathed by the trauma that nearly cost me mine. This used to make me feel so bitter, knowing that for some, a "bad day" is categorically nothing more than unfortunate hair days and rush hour traffic.  Today, after years of being too intimately acquainted with grief, I am thankful that in His sovereignty, this is not God's chosen path for all. 

For those who have thus far escaped the incessant pain of loss...
For those who have never had to say goodbye too soon...
For those who have never faced the words cancer... or terminal... or code blue...

For them, I am thankful that they don't know.

But for those who do know, for those who are also gravely familiar with sorrow, I offer you more than my sympathy.  I have not walked in the shoes that you've probably struggled to simply just put on some days.  I will never know your exact journey so I will not offer you trite words better saved for bumper stickers.  What I extend to you today, ten years later, is hope.

A dear friend of mine explained a scenario the other day of waking up to watch the sun rise and due to a rather dreary Austin morning, the sun's arrival on that day was hidden from her view.  It wasn't that the sun didn't come up, it did-- it always does, but because of the clouds and the engulfing gloom, it was simply undetectable.  She was left in the reality of the gray-- wishing and wanting and waiting for the warmth of the sun's rays. 

Today, even as I sit here typing these words, the sun is beginning its accent into the sky and I am reminded that clouds do not have the power to keep the sun from shining--they can only temporarily hide it.

The sun will rise again--it's rising even now while you may still be sitting in the hazy aftermath of your own tragedy.

You may find it too much to bear.  You may want to draw the curtains shut.  You may want to forever bury yourself beneath the covers and from its rays but know this...

The sun will rise again.

God never promised us days without rain.  It may rain and you might just be caught off-guard in the storm without an umbrella-- left feeling scared, alone, and unprepared...but just wait...

The sun will rise again. 

When it does, it may happen for you as it has for me, that you find yourself welcoming the warmth it gives and the growth that only it produces.  You may find yourself stretching out beneath its golden-hued goodness and feeling grateful for a new day. 

Ten years later you may still encounter a few clouds now and then, but if you decide to,  you can and WILL endure them.  And soon, if you can manage to keep throwing off the covers and  putting on your shoes, soon enough you will LIVE.

"My life was suddenly divided into before and after, and there was no going back to before. But then I realized I had a CHOICE to live the after.  I had to decide."

Fruit flies and other nasty critters...

My otherwise lovely and comfy home has been infested by the vile and relentless "Drosophila Melanogaster", most commonly known as the pesky fruit fly.  No doubt if you've ever found yourself in the great man vs. fruit fly battle, you can sympathize.

In my venomous rage against this minuscule pest, I'd like to lay all the blame on them, imagining that they appeared from nowhere choosing to maliciously attack me for no apparent reason at all.  Truth be told, I am to blame.

In much-too-much of a rush to get out the door, I CHOSE to ignore the trashcan full of remnant vegetable peelings and fruit discards, figuring that it could wait until my return home a week later.  It waited alright...it and what seemed like hundreds of its closest new friends.

One week, three goopy fly strips, and lots of research later, I am NEARLY rid of the Drosophila Melanogaster.  (Is it just me or does it rightfully sound like a fatal disease?) 

Lesson learned?
First,  take out the trash.  No matter how much of a hurry you're in, no matter how inconvenient, no matter WHAT...take out the trash!
Equally as important, protect the still-good fruit (and vegetables).  Yes, they look pretty nicely displayed in a wire basket on the counter, but if you see even one critter eye-balling your freshly ripened apples & bananas, hide the fruit!

Pay attention to ALL the critters looking to invade your space.  What we think is tiny and insignificant can turn into an outright invasion!  Guard yourself and your family by "taking out the trash" in your lives before it rots and stinks up your house--things like anger, jealousy, rudeness, selfishness, pride, hatred, etc., are all bug bait! 

Lastly, be attentive to guard the good fruit your lives are producing (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control) and  give fruit flies and other nasty critters no room to buzz about in your home...

 "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around⁽like a roaring lion (or an annoying fruit fly)  looking for someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8)

Let Freedom be your new name....

If you've ever been victimized, in any way, you no doubt have carried the weight of that trauma for far too long and if you're like me you've branded yourself a "victim."  The problem with the label of victim is the mentality it breeds and the strongholds it forges in your soul.  Years after the trauma, the "victim" is still tethered to and identified by the very crimes and offenses they're trying to escape --you live each day of your present a slave to the past.  THIS is not freedom!

A victim mentality will contaminate everything it touches and every life it comes in contact with, eventually tainting and putrefying all that it encounters, leaving behind a stench of rotting flesh.
From one former "victim" to the many others who may relate, THIS is not freedom!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."-Galatians 5:1 Accepting anything less than freedom is accepting less than what Christ came to give you and me.  Accepting the title of victim-- allowing it to shape and define who you are, letting it influence how you act, and giving it a vote in the choices you make--is CHOOSING to live enslaved. Again I say, THIS is not freedom! Paul's declaration, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners of whom I am the chief."-(1 Timothy 1:15) resonates with me, with a slight variation...I often think of it this way-Christ Jesus came into the world to save VICTIMS, of whom I've been the chief. See, I don't type from a soap box of self-righteousness and finger-pointing, but from humble gratitude for my rescue from bondage.  I once was lost and now I am found.  I was once blinded by the cataracts that years of being wounded and mistreated, abused and violated left behind, and now I see.  I was once bitter and jaded BY CHOICE and I believed the lie that the world and everyone in it was out to get me and out to hurt me, and that they somehow owed me. Today I am healed, I am whole, I am restored- I am a brand new creation!!!  I was once a victim and now I'm a Daddy's girl, a beloved bride, and a treasured princess-- THIS is freedom!!! I urge you, if you are wearing the label of victim, letting it sabotage the life and liberty that God has for you and keep you from knowing TRUE peace and healing, lay it down and invite the Truth to set you free. Be free. Be completely free.  "It is for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore KEEP standing firm and do not be entangled with a yoke of bondage!" -Galatians 5:1 "For, whom the Lord sets free is free indeed!" (John 8:36)   Let yourself lay down the label, the title, the identity of victim--recognize, it only victimizes you more!  "Victims" can never be free.  Victims can never be more than slaves. Go ahead. Make the choice right now to be free. Say goodbye to Victim and let Freedom be your new name...

Guard the Drain!!!

Washing dishes today, my spirit was suddenly flooded with a picture I knew was for a beloved friend, but quickly realized what a great lesson for us all.

I saw an over-flowing  bathtub and a hand then reaching in to pull the plug and empty the water.  It was a slow but steady leaking out at first, but then soon, as quickly as the water was being poured in it was being sucked down and out the tiny drain.

God began to show me that we are those tubs, He is the Ever-Flowing Fountain pouring in His presence, His life, His provisions and blessings, His strength, His peace, His love...
This hand of the enemy came subtly and swiftly, often undetected at first, reaching in to drain us of all the goodness of God that surrounds us, leaving us sapped and drained of all that is meant to sustain us.

What God is constantly and lovingly pouring into us is ours to receive and soak in.   In his sneaky and intrusive schemes, satan comes to steal, kill, destroy.  Be alert!  Don't fall asleep in the tub!  The Lord has come to give us life and life abundantly, to saturate us in all His fullness, and then to let that life spill over and onto all those in our bone-weary and dehydrated worlds.

Soak the entirety of your being in the over-flowing goodness of God today--get good and wrinkly in it!!!  And then refuse to allow the enemy of your soul to pull the plug.  Don't let your peace go down the drain!  Don't watch your health, finances, hope, faith, strength, and life spiral down and out of your tub!  Immerse yourself in the cleansing, invigorating, and revitalizing waters and then whatever you do, guard the drain! 

(Psalm 36:9- "For You, Oh Lord, are The Fountain of Life!")

feast...

I read a devotion today that has me picturing the emotional state of far too many of us.  I began seeing humanity flooding the street corners of life, downtrodden and filthy, holding up tattered bits of cardboard that read, "will_________ for love."  The blanks are filled with verbs as diverse as the faces that hold them, expressing the desperate lengths that this love-starved population will go to for this precious and crucial commodity. 

I myself have panhandled for love.  I have crouched in gutters and approached perfect strangers hoping for crumbs of approval and acceptance, when just beyond my blurred sight, a banquet had been prepared for me. Perhaps you can relate. 

"Like beggars we go from person to person with our empty cup crying, 'can't you add anything to my life?' They might throw in a coin or two. But when we shake the cup, the tinny echo reminds us how empty we remain." (Beth Moore)
 
Today, we have this promise-- God is Love.  His love fills.  His love satisfies.  His love is freely given and ours for the taking- not as pathetic, scrounging paupers, but as His beloved sons and daughters who are invited to come boldly before Him and receive!

Hear His invitation, "Come to My banqueting table. My banner over you is love, see it waving wildly overhead?  It's there to cover you, to protect you, to provide and satisy you.  While here, get a good taste of who I am--have your fill!  See??? I AM GOOD.  My love never fails, never leaves, never disappoints, never ceases for you.  You are My Beloved.  That is your new name, your identity.  You are My Beloved, and I Am yours.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, can separate you from My love, so rest in that and allow Me to teach you to trust in that.  Turn from your former vagabond ways and let Me be your shelter."

Feast on Him today and find your fullness in Him. Raise your cup up to be filled with Living Water and thirst no more.  Raise your cup to be filled, and then turn to the needy and love-starved right next to you and invite them to do the same--rest assure there is plenty for everyone.  He is the Love that never runs dry!

"Until we allow Jesus to fill our cups daily, we simply subsist. Sooner or later, God will make sure we confront the poverty of living on the alms of others so that we may learn to feast on Him." (Beth Moore)

Let's toss the signs aside and feast friends...

^"He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love for love waved as a protecting and comforting banner over my head when I was near Him." (Song of Solomon 2:4 AMP)

"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are." (1 John 3:1 MSG)

^" For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ( Romans 8:38-39 NIV)

In the aftermath...

The dictionary defines aftermath as, "the resulting consequences of an event of great magnitude." It's one of those words reserved for moments of disaster and devastation, when lives are left in ruin and it's clear that things will never again be the same.

I, like far-too-many, was born in aftermath. I was raised in aftermath. I am a survivor of aftermath

And it was in aftermath that Jesus found me, buried beneath a lifetime of ruble.

One forgets the smell of fresh air when they've inhaled soot and shame their entire journey.

People always say, " and I've never looked back" and I get it. It's crucial that we live pressing onward and living free from our pasts. If I'm being brutally honest, however, I do look back from time to time. I see the smoldering ruins and wonder what life would have been, who this child of aftermath would have become.

It's the gripping reality of the magnitude of His rescue that ever-stirs me to love Him more. It haunts me in the most glorious of ways.

"In that moment of glorious surrender,
Was the moment You broke the chains in me.
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath." (Hillsong United- "Aftermath")