I let You...

While making toast (and minding my own business, I might add) The Holy Spirit gave me some insight and truth about myself to swallow along with my breakfast. "You realize that you always ask for endurance before you ask for healing? For many reasons, you expect pain to linger MORE THAN you expect healing to come. You take pride in gritting it out and in your strength in the struggle. You still despise your weakness and I find it the perfect place in which to display My strength-if you let Me." Wow and ouch all at the same time. Only the Word of God has the power to cut you like that and get right to the heart of a matter.

Now, I must backup a bit and say that for the past few days I have been somewhat immobilized by back pain, but I also know that God was addressing far more than my temporary physical pain. I also knew there wasn't a whole lot to say to this except for, "guilty". The truth is, for "many reasons" just like He said, I have somehow come to expect pain to linger more than I expect healing to come. It isn't that I don't ask for and expect healing, I certainly do. And it's not as if I don't want it, because I do. I have, however, mistakenly learned to prepare (first) for the worse. I have violently assaulted my faith and insulted my God with my plans to just endure and tolerate pain. I have become too familiar and jaded with the "reality" of the natural and have allowed it to override the truth of the supernatural.

I am not ignorantly suggesting that life with Christ is all rainbows and roses. Jesus Himself said that in this world we would have many trials, but He also challenged us to be of good cheer, filled with courage and abounding in confidence because He has overcome the world! God doesn't merely possess some healing power, He is supremely Healer. He is MY Healer and He is YOUR Healer to be exact. And the reality of present circumstances in no way negates the truth of who God is.

Pain comes, of course. Endurance is necessary, for sure. Faith doesn't deny the existence of circumstances but believes something better exists beyond what is currently evident. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." Heb 11:1 The Amplified Bible says this; "being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality." To have faith, as I was reminded this morning, is believing God first. And it is far more than just believing God can, it is believing He wants to and He will.

"God You are right to say I that find a certain pride in toughing my way through things in my own strength. I despise my weakness and instead of inviting You into it, I foolishly struggle to prove to myself and to You that it doesn't exist. Let Your strength be made perfect in all my many areas of weakness. I resist my resistance to You once again. Help me. Heal me. I let You..."

Wonder Woman...

I've never seen myself as brave and courageous. I can remember watching Lynda Carter play Wonder Woman (yes I'm that old) and thinking she was the epitome of fearless. She was a true heroine. I watched her tackle her adversaries with confidence and capability, and daydreamed of one day being so gutsy. There was no retreat in her, no shrinking back when situations seemed too perilous or uncomfortable. She moved with grace and dignity and she was sure of who she was. She was Wonder Woman and she knew it.

Like I said, I never saw myself as having any bit of boldness or valor. When I encounter something that threatens my comfort and peace, my natural instincts are to cower in the corner or to turn and run away. Fortunately for me, like the super hero I've long admired, I too have secret super powers. The divine power I speak of takes this average, ordinary coward and transforms her daily into a strong, valiant, virtuous and effectual Woman of God-that itself is a miracle, a marvel and a wonder! The power of God infuses me with inner strength, breathes courage into my timid soul, and allows me to stand victoriously face-to-face with my greatest fears. "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, cowardice, cringing, or fawning fear. But He has given us a Spirit of power, love, and a calm and sound mind."(2 Tim 1:7Amp)

Lisa Bevere says, "God loves to make you face what you fear because when you do you become fearless." This is the truth that is now bringing greater levels of freedom in my life. Because of the power and grace of God I have recently faced-off with some of my greatest fears. I have stood eye-to-eye with the painful realities of my past that I had been too afraid and ashamed of to acknowledge. I have brought the ugly, eroding secrets out from their hiding places and have exposed them to His marvelous Light! And I have come to realize that, "what you fear most has no power. It is your fear of it that has the real power. And facing the truth really is what will set you free."

I may not have a fancy outfit displaying and declaring my super-human abilities, a magic lasso, or bullet-proof bracelets, but I am well equipped ... "the Belt of Truth around my waist, the Breastplate of Righteousness in place, feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace, the Shield of Faith, the Helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit."(Eph. 6:14-17) And, "I am able to do all things through Christ who gives me strength."(Phil. 4:13) This is not some "nice" Sunday School verse, this is the reality of life in Christ. I will continue to face my foes and my fears because God "always causes us to triumph in Christ!"(2 Cor. 2:14) And I will heed the wise words that Queen Hippolyta spoke to her daughter, "Go in peace, my daughter, and remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman..."

He cares...

Waking up to a barrage of anxious thoughts is no way to start a Saturday, or any day for that matter. Reluctantly, I got up, stumbled through my apartment assessing the chores I should do, assembled my mental "to-do" list, and...yup, hopped back in bed. As I labored in vain effort to go back to sleep, the seemingly multiple millions of thoughts were now synchronize-swimming in my head and forcing me back out of bed. As I sat up, these words filled my heart, "do not let cares get the best of you today." Responsively, I turned to the familiar words of Scripture that have long anchored my soul and once again today they were fresh, vibrant, and life-giving manna. "Look at the birds, free and unfettered...CARELESS in the care of God. And you count far more to Him than birds." (Mt. 6:26 Msg) "Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and He cares for you watchfully."(1 Pet. 5:7 Amp)

Cares will, no doubt, get the best of us when we forfeit to them what is best in us (our peace, faith, joy and life.) To be free and unfettered is to be loosed and unchained from the things that weigh us down. In our humanity we gravitate towards a mental approach to worries which is futile and frustrating and causing us so much stress we make ourselves sick. God alone is our Problem Solver. His name is Burden-Bearer. He is our CareTAKER. It is our choice to let God take care of us and it is also our choice to let God take cares from us- so when He instructs us to cast our cares, we ought to cast them. When He says release and let them go, we need to challenge our resistant gripping.

To be unshackled from care is a crucial element to a healthy walk with God. It is our responsibility to live unhindered by the circumstances of life. But even more than mere choice and responsibility, such freedom is our privilege and inheritance as children of God! What a joy floods my soul when the truth of this truth resonates in my heart. We get to be free! Stop for a moment and chew on this truth. We get to be free! We get to hurl our daily trash bags of garbage at His feet, willingly, cheerfully and repeatedly. This is good news. This is what it means to be free and unfettered! It isn't that being free from cares is the complete absence of issues, but it's acknowledging the total and sufficient presence of God. "For where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, emancipation from bondage, and freedom."(2 Cor. 3:17 Amp) Today, I will fling ALL of my cares on Him because He told me too, because He is abundantly able and never too busy for me, and because He cares...affectionately and watchfully, He cares...

beautifully needy...

A study of the word necessity strips the word to mean that which is required, indispensable, crucial, and utterly essential for well-being and/or existence. After a conversation with a friend today, I was left thinking about what it means to need God, not just want Him, but to truly need Him, to require Him. For one who can be detrimentally too strong, independent, capable, and self-reliant for her own good, is He truly indispensable, crucial and utterly essential for my well-being and existence? It doesn't take a degree in Theology to answer this seemingly simplistic question. I am, after all, acutely aware that I certainly am not the One holding my own cells together, so of course He IS my necessity...and yet. For someone who decided early on to trust in and rely on herself only, there are still days when I am grievously guilty of struggling to survive in the power and sufficiency of my own flesh.

Facing some circumstances even today, I was tempted to handle things my own way which was to "sweep them under the rug", bury my head beneath the covers and cry. Now admittedly, this is not the most effective plan of attack but at the time it was quite alluring. Too often, leaning on my own understanding and in my own strength leads me to merely cope with life by NOT coping with it. This, I realize, is idiotic and prideful. It is also, if we're honest, a survival tactic that can only temporarily ease the discomforts of life. Trouble with these types of strategies is that they are born of Self. Self, in all its valiant and sincere attempts and intentions, is never and can never be enough. Self despises submission to anyone and anything else. Self is a subtle and stealth Saboteur who creates resistance and opposition to the Spirit and His moving in our lives. Self is never what our "selves" need. Self promises to safeguard and shield us from tragedy and hardship and that which disturbs, but Self deceives. We must, if we are to live submitted, obedient, responsive, Spirit-filled lives, identify the foolishness and danger in the tendency to trust in Self. We must comprehend to our core how thoroughly destructive it can be. At the end of the day we are powerless and incapable in and of ourselves.

The words of Jesus in John 15:5, "apart from Me you can do nothing", leave no wiggle room. No matter what resource used, the word "nothing" means nothing. Apart from Him, no matter how I might strive to, I can not order or control my world or the world. God moves and speaks and holds my existence in His loving and capable hands, I don't have to. I am wired to respond. My requirement is to require Him; to HUMBLY realize and declare my total and utter necessity of Him, to be all-together insufficient and desperately dependant of His sufficiency, for In HIM (not Kim) I live and move and have my being." (Acts 17:28)

Admittedly, sometimes it does feel good to stay in bed sobbing, and numbing reality with ice cream is tempting, but we can never find our help and our healing hiding from our Helper and Healer. At the end of the day, it is only when I embrace things with my eyes and heart wide-open, even things that are painful and terrifying, that I am available to be confronted with the truth that can and will set me free. The truth is I am lost without Him. I am desperately lost without ALL HE IS LOVING ALL I AM! I am assuredly nothing apart from Him. He IS my Necessity and I am needy. Truthfully, I am broken, fragile, vulnerable and beautifully needy...

And I exhale...

I woke up to the same badgering thoughts this morning that had attempted to keep me wide-eyed last night. Knotting my stomach were the very same anxious, fearful and unwelcome imaginations I had already wrestled with just a few short hours ago, and I hate it. In wearied annoyance, I felt myself inhale, clench my jaw, and tense as my still-aching head began to intensify its pounding. Relentlessly, the torrential downpour of despair began to flood my soul threatening to damage and destroy all places of peace in my heart and mind. THIS is not acceptable. In my lifetime I have forfeited far too many precious hours of life to such vile attacks. I have surrendered one too many days to such plans and schemes and this will not be one of those days.

Today I will set my mind on things above. Today I will take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Today I will cast down every imagination and argument that tries to come against who God is, what His Word says, and who I KNOW Him to be. I know He will not leave me or forsake me. I know that if He cares for the flowers of the fields and the birds of the air, He cares for me. I know that He is not some distant deity unaware or neglectful of creation...He is Daddy. He is PRESENT, alert, and mindful. His heart of love beats with readiness to be Sufficiency and His voice is available to speak, "Peace. Be still!" Our Father delights to be intimately involved in the most seemingly insignificant details of our lives. He loves us and if that ever rings hollow or sounds cliche, then may we experience His love freshly and profoundly once again. He loves us! He IS Love... and it is adhering to the truth that He so loves us that stabilizes us when storm-tossed. "There is no fear in love [dread does not exist] but full-grown, complete, perfect love casts out fear and expels every trace of terror" (1 John 4:18)

To continue to allow myself to be perpetually uneasy is to forfeit the gift of perfect peace He gives when my mind is fixed on Him and lures me away from the safety of His arms. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [whose power no foe can withstand]. I will say of the Lord, HE is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I confidently trust!" (Psalm 91:1-2) Today Lord, You are my Solid Rock, my Anchor, my Strong Tower, and my Firm Foundation and by Your grace and strength I shall not be moved! You thrill my heart with Your still small voice and once again I am infused with peace that surpasses all understanding and a bubbling joy that is my sustaining strength. Tension is replaced by truth and stress is eradicated by Your presence. "In the multitude of my anxious thoughts within me, Your comforts cheer and delight my soul!" (Ps. 94:19) And I exhale...

I don't need to know...

"God has wisely kept us in the dark concerning future events and reserved for Himself the knowledge of them, that He may train us up in a dependence upon Himself and a continued readiness for every event."(Matthew Henry) I spent some time meditating on this quote this morning and soon after I picked up where I'd left off in the book of Revelation. I absolutely love it when God somehow directly addresses the thoughts of your heart through His Word. Revelation chapter ten refers to the message John heard but was not to record as, "God's mystery, His secret design, His hidden purpose". The words leapt off the page and quietly stilled my soul as I was lovingly reminded that some things are simply "none of my business".

In truth, I am someone who wants to know EVERYTHING when it comes to what God is doing and why He's doing it this way instead of that way, and when He's going to do it, and how and where and... and... and ... Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things He graciously does reveal in whispers of revelations and that itself blows me away! To realize that GOD, THE I AM cares to ever share intimacies with me is both profoundly humbling and mind-blowing, but honestly there are things He just does not show or tell us now. These mysteries and designs and plans and purposes are shielded from our knowledge and apparently sometimes surrender is simply releasing the "right" or "need" to know. At least for this human, this has not been an easy lesson learned.

There are still days that I must resemble more of a crazed desperate woman approaching Him, than a trusting child. There are still days when the desire to know what the heck is going on threatens to push me to the brink of near emotional and mental insanity. Knowing God, however, is knowing that He is the God of the "even when" moments. He is God "even when" all hell is literally breaking loose, He is God "even when" chaos is seemingly reigning, He is God "even when" it appears He is absent or distant or silent. And He is God who DOES indeed have an intricately designed will for His children that is good. He is God who has reasons and purpose in all things, ALL things. And He is God who is able to take whatever the enemy means for our evil and USE it for our good. (Gen. 50:20) To know Him is to know these truths and to remind ourselves frequently enough of them that they are the concrete anchors for our soul day to day.

There WILL BE days when the treacherous waters of questions will threaten to overtake and drown us, but it is our dependence on God and who we KNOW Him to be that will keep us afloat. I don't need to know the plans to know He does indeed have plans. I don't need to know His reasons to know He has them. As much as I may WANT to know, knowing that He knows what He's doing has got to be decidedly enough. "For I know the plans I have for you, says The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) That, God, IS enough and today I surrender to Your will...again. It is more than enough to know that You love me and that You will NEVER leave me and that YOU KNOW the plans. I don't need to know...

everything will be okay...

"So tell me that You'll never leave and everything will be okay..." Listening to these lyrics yesterday had me determinedly and discreetly wiping away tears from my stinging eyes. The strong and tangible presence of God was ministering to my heart and I resisted. It isn't (entirely) the presence of other people and their perception of me that causes me to retreat, it is predominantly due to my own warped views of what I deem weakness. Wanting simply to survive childhood with something of myself in tact, I was taught by trauma to be tough and guarded, suspicious and distrusting. I would not be vulnerable. I would not be broken. Submission was a dirty word that made me cringe. I had determined early on that to be strong is to be void of all visible emotion and I'd do my best not to put on public display what was private. I am admittedly my harshest critic and have knowingly treated myself with all the grace of a drill-sergeant and this instance was no exception.

Truth is, I am destructively harsh on myself. Painfully, I have come to see that I myself have continued a cycle of abuse in my life, something not easily admitted. I have silently and viciously assaulted myself repeatedly over the years. I have mentally and emotionally and verbally berated myself for simply being human, for being an emotional female, and too often for simply being me. The painful irony is that I can't stand and can hardly tolerate this in others, especially women. I am often the first to demand that a woman not apologize for being who she authentically is, in her most real and raw form. I hear my voice say, "your tears are beautiful" to others, yet not the dialogue or grace I extend myself, after all, "I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel like this." I get that we as Believers are not to be led by our feelings, I absolutely do not dispute that. Being led and controlled by feelings is not only immature, it's a highly dangerous road to travel. But I also know that hiding, burying, and sweeping them under the rug in no way brings freedom. Freedom from darkness comes when exposure to Light happens.

God understands that the abandonment I experienced as a child STILL causes me to sometimes treat Him with the same distrust as any other man I encounter, but He doesn't deserve that. I understand it is in our weakness that the strength of God is perfected, but I find myself loathing my weakness more often than unloading it and I want to change. This armor protected that innocent girl, but suffocates the woman I am. So, maybe God doesn't need my dry eyes, brave face, squared shoulders and my jutted-out chin all the time. Maybe He doesn't need me to appear tough and fierce and strong all the time. Maybe I can just be His little girl. Truth is, right now there are a lot of things that I'm unsure of, scared of, and anxious for. I know I shouldn't feel this way and if someone cares to judge me or condemn me for admitting this that's understandable, but I have decided that I can NOT do that to myself anymore! I'll drop the first stone. I'm greatly flawed and highly imperfect but also fiercely loved. And miraculously it's admitting my great weakness and need for Him that ironically becomes the place where I am truly MADE strong and courageous. I am undone and exposed and needy. My heart is cautious but it's also open and responsive and I am asking Him to strengthen me to keep it that way. I'm that little girl all over again who hears His voice speaking through her fear, "Trust me and let me love you. I'll never leave you, I promise. I'll never forsake you and I refuse to fail you. I'll NEVER leave, breathe. Everything will be okay..."