No, I do not mean WEIGHT, read on...
Those close to me know that I am on a continual journey of transformation, not to BECOME something but to UNBECOME everything I'm not. See the broken me, the imbalanced me, the fat me...is not the REAL me. The real me is free, confident, and at home in her skin. The real me is a role model for health--Spirit, Soul, and Body. And the real me is CONTENT.
I used to hear that word and equate it to the resulting feeling that follows giving up or simply settling for less. It's a word I thought was "fine" but definitely not one to strive for. Until, that is, I found myself grievously DISCONTENT with my life. Oh it was subtle at first, and certainly hard to detect. It began with what I believe was and is a God-given desire and hope left unfulfilled that I then allowed to morph into a mild obsession...(meaning at times it was all I could think about).
I knew I was off-balanced but I'd set my eyes and heart on obtaining what I believed would bring me happiness and it was hard to adjust my gaze. The problem was, the more I placed my longing in what I seemingly could not have, the more disheartened, disquieted, and discontent I became. This is no way to live and it became increasingly difficult to not be offended at God, after all, I reasoned, He COULD give me what I wanted at any moment and was CHOOSING not to.
Recognizing the toxic feelings that were stewing in my heart, I took this before The Lord. I determined that I would not carry this unwanted emotional weight into 2015 either. There were no goose bumps or spiritual fireworks that day, just a steady stream of tears as I decided to choose contentment.
No, I've not "given up hope" in the defeated sense of the phrase, but I have given that hope up to my Father. I feel like I can rest now, that I can just lean into Him and stop trying to figure it out or make it happen. The reality is it's not going to look like I thought... and that's o.k. Even if I never see this desire fulfilled the way I imagined it, I have decided to remain joyfully content knowing He is good...always. His ways are higher.
Surrendering my hopes, dreams, and desires to the One who literally knows me better that I know me was the best thing I could've done. It caused me to remember that He doesn't just know what's best for me, but He can be trusted to do what's best for me and not just what I think is best for me.
And just like physical weight loss, it's not really about what you are losing at all, but what you are gaining. There was a dramatic and almost sudden shift internally. Where there had been a drive to "figure it out and make a way", (a line of thinking didn't work so well for Abram and Sarai who ended up creating an Ishmael. Read Genesis 16) there is now perfect peace. Where there had been an unseen ache, there is great joy and expectation for what lies ahead.
There is genuine contentment now... and in the WAITing for whatever is next, that is great GAIN.
"For godliness accompanied with contentment is great and abundant gain." (1 Tim. 6:6)
Friday, February 6, 2015
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
It's a WONDERFUL life...
After 38 years, I finally understand what I was missing all along. Having never watched the Christmas classic, "It's a Wonderful Life", I had no idea what all the hype was about. Settling down into the couch with some dearly loved friends, I anticipated what has now become a quintessential holiday experience--and it was!
Yes, it was cheesy and melodramatic at points, but the overall message of the movie outshines all of that. Without spoiling it for anyone, let me suggest to anyone who also hasn't, to make it a point to watch it this year.
I walked away reflecting on my own wonderful life--something that the ladies I was with that night and I also took time to do mid-movie. It was so sweet to hear each dear friend telling just a bit about what makes up their wonderful life. Pictures and mementos of husbands, children, family and friends topped the list. And as tears glazed our eyes, we each nodded in understanding and agreement as sentiments reflecting perfectly imperfect lives were shared.
I left contemplating the intricate way in which God weaves together our lives... the people, the choices, the seasons both triumphant and trying...and I thought of this life void of me and wondered to myself, "have I left enough of a lasting imprint to have made a difference?"
I thought too of the names and faces who make up my world. I thought of their words of encouragement, times spent just breathing and being together, silly times, simple gestures of love, and acts of selfless service. I thought of times when their God-breathed prayers lifted me from dark and isolating seasons and gave me hope when I was at the edge of my own bridge. And I gave thanks for the undeniable evidence of impact they've left.
And I think of the future, unsure of what it holds, but certain it's full of goodness and almost as if on cue, the old familiar Louis Armstrong tune begins to pour out of my grateful soul....I smile contently, and I think to myself, "what a wonderful world."
(Go ahead...enjoy it here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM
Yes, it was cheesy and melodramatic at points, but the overall message of the movie outshines all of that. Without spoiling it for anyone, let me suggest to anyone who also hasn't, to make it a point to watch it this year.
I walked away reflecting on my own wonderful life--something that the ladies I was with that night and I also took time to do mid-movie. It was so sweet to hear each dear friend telling just a bit about what makes up their wonderful life. Pictures and mementos of husbands, children, family and friends topped the list. And as tears glazed our eyes, we each nodded in understanding and agreement as sentiments reflecting perfectly imperfect lives were shared.
I left contemplating the intricate way in which God weaves together our lives... the people, the choices, the seasons both triumphant and trying...and I thought of this life void of me and wondered to myself, "have I left enough of a lasting imprint to have made a difference?"
I thought too of the names and faces who make up my world. I thought of their words of encouragement, times spent just breathing and being together, silly times, simple gestures of love, and acts of selfless service. I thought of times when their God-breathed prayers lifted me from dark and isolating seasons and gave me hope when I was at the edge of my own bridge. And I gave thanks for the undeniable evidence of impact they've left.
And I think of the future, unsure of what it holds, but certain it's full of goodness and almost as if on cue, the old familiar Louis Armstrong tune begins to pour out of my grateful soul....I smile contently, and I think to myself, "what a wonderful world."
(Go ahead...enjoy it here)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My Rough Draft Self...
Although I am a Processor by nature and I tend to process best when writing, I admittedly avoid writing things until I feel they're "polished enough" to be shared. Because of this, I often have extensive stretches of time in between blogging, as well as between the pages of a book that I've been "finishing" for a long time now... a very long time. I'll even frequently edit at great length the texts I'm preparing to send out as if they are some great literary work of genius...they're not...and it's silly really.
I've been wanting to write, there is something, whether it's by pen and paper, or by the familiar click of the keyboard beneath my fingertips, that is soothing to me. Laying my internal thoughts out in front of me is often both incredibly gut-wrenching and simultaneously therapeutic. Sharing them so vulnerably with others, however, is a whole other level of terrifying... yet I also somehow find it necessary. Maybe not necessary for the "you" reading this, (whoever you are), but necessary for me.
See, by default and habit, I am a Hider. I may share some of me with the world, but not all. Like my writing, I prefer sharing the polished up version, the spell-checked and grammar-checked version, and the finitely edited version of me. That, I convince myself, is what people want. The problem with that is, although it may read well, it's not the whole story. And I, like you, am just as much the typos and incomplete sentences of my story, as I am the eloquently crafted paragraphs.
So I'm writing now, giving myself permission to be a bit unpolished. In doing so, I know I am risking the dreaded "red pen" of judgment. I believe from time to time we all have the fear that someone will take that pen to the pages of our lives and like a college English professor, begin the process of circling the mistakes that seem so blatantly obvious to them, grading and critiquing what is our own unique and beautiful God-journey. And the truth is, they might. But I need to write. Words are my instrument and expressing them is life to me.
To be honest, this chapter of my story, doesn't feel so fairytale-ish. Perhaps you can relate. Recently, I was in a head-on collision with some very harsh realities and as a Divine result, I'm raw and broken, weak and emptied. It's a gloriously painful place of refining. I can say I am certainly not alone, but can still FEEL very lonely here in this place where, more than anything, it MUST be God and I.
Truth be told, I am tempted every day... (go ahead and put your red pens down for a minute, I've already corrected myself for this far more harshly than you ever could. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I too own one of those fancy red pens of judgment and have used it quite unfairly and all-too-liberally on myself as well. O.K. now, where were we? Ah yes, "I am tempted every day"... ) to run, to avoid, to "postpone" God's sovereign intervention to a later, more "convenient" date when I feel I'd be better equipped to handle all He's addressing. Seems only fair, as none of this was cleared by me and my schedule was already pretty full.
That said, I'd be lying if I tried to tell you that I haven't attempted (more than once) to figure out where God is hiding the remote control so I can hit the Fast Forward button on all of this and get to the "good part" of this page-turner of His.
And that's the ugly, unpolished, unedited truth.
And sure, even now as I prepare to hit "publish", I'd still prefer to present the "ready to print" final draft of myself to the world, who wouldn't? But I also see the beauty in unashamedly allowing others to view the flawed, scribbled throughout, authentic work in progress.
And perhaps...just maybe by doing so... some of you may find the courage to share your rough-draft self with the world too ...
I've been wanting to write, there is something, whether it's by pen and paper, or by the familiar click of the keyboard beneath my fingertips, that is soothing to me. Laying my internal thoughts out in front of me is often both incredibly gut-wrenching and simultaneously therapeutic. Sharing them so vulnerably with others, however, is a whole other level of terrifying... yet I also somehow find it necessary. Maybe not necessary for the "you" reading this, (whoever you are), but necessary for me.
See, by default and habit, I am a Hider. I may share some of me with the world, but not all. Like my writing, I prefer sharing the polished up version, the spell-checked and grammar-checked version, and the finitely edited version of me. That, I convince myself, is what people want. The problem with that is, although it may read well, it's not the whole story. And I, like you, am just as much the typos and incomplete sentences of my story, as I am the eloquently crafted paragraphs.
So I'm writing now, giving myself permission to be a bit unpolished. In doing so, I know I am risking the dreaded "red pen" of judgment. I believe from time to time we all have the fear that someone will take that pen to the pages of our lives and like a college English professor, begin the process of circling the mistakes that seem so blatantly obvious to them, grading and critiquing what is our own unique and beautiful God-journey. And the truth is, they might. But I need to write. Words are my instrument and expressing them is life to me.
To be honest, this chapter of my story, doesn't feel so fairytale-ish. Perhaps you can relate. Recently, I was in a head-on collision with some very harsh realities and as a Divine result, I'm raw and broken, weak and emptied. It's a gloriously painful place of refining. I can say I am certainly not alone, but can still FEEL very lonely here in this place where, more than anything, it MUST be God and I.
Truth be told, I am tempted every day... (go ahead and put your red pens down for a minute, I've already corrected myself for this far more harshly than you ever could. Oh yeah, I forgot to add that I too own one of those fancy red pens of judgment and have used it quite unfairly and all-too-liberally on myself as well. O.K. now, where were we? Ah yes, "I am tempted every day"... ) to run, to avoid, to "postpone" God's sovereign intervention to a later, more "convenient" date when I feel I'd be better equipped to handle all He's addressing. Seems only fair, as none of this was cleared by me and my schedule was already pretty full.
That said, I'd be lying if I tried to tell you that I haven't attempted (more than once) to figure out where God is hiding the remote control so I can hit the Fast Forward button on all of this and get to the "good part" of this page-turner of His.
And that's the ugly, unpolished, unedited truth.
And sure, even now as I prepare to hit "publish", I'd still prefer to present the "ready to print" final draft of myself to the world, who wouldn't? But I also see the beauty in unashamedly allowing others to view the flawed, scribbled throughout, authentic work in progress.
And perhaps...just maybe by doing so... some of you may find the courage to share your rough-draft self with the world too ...
Sunday, February 16, 2014
How Far is Too Far?
In youth ministry, this provocative headline was an age-old question that we heard ALL the time in regards to...ahem..."relationships." Teenagers always wanted to know where the line was, how close they could get to it without "officially" crossing it. It was a question that was really just a hidden statement, "just tell us how much we can get away with without having to feel guilty later on."
This blog isn't about sex, so for those of you concerned about where I was going, exhale. For those of you who kept reading hoping I might be able to offer some insight on the subject, I will add this... if you're asking this question, you're asking the wrong question. Spend your days asking God to equip and empower you to live an honorable life worthy of your calling, not how you may wink at and toy with the "Blurred Lines" our society offers. Avoid the gray. Flee.
As I said, this isn't about that though. This question, birthed out of my own moment of reflection, is in regards to FORGIVENESS. How far is too far when it comes to forgiving someone? How many times are we as Christians "required" to forgive before it's considered enough? As I posed this question to God, I was reminded of a similar conversation that took place in Scripture.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)
Peter gets a bum rap for saying and doing some dumb things. But after just essentially asking the same question myself, I can easily identify with Peter. He was learning, just like you and I, how to be like Jesus. I believe he wanted the literal answer, not for an easy-out when he hit the limit, but so he'd know exactly what was required of him.
I get it, trust me, I get it. We want easily defined, cut-and-dry obedience. We want God to give us a check-list so we can proudly cross things off our list and say to God, "see? I did it!" Understand, I'm in no way minimizing obedience. Doing what is required of us is great. That's obedience. However, doing MORE than what is "required" of us is sometimes what is required of us. (Go ahead and reread that sentence a couple of times.)
Sometimes in the "seventy times seven" times, something in our heart realizes we've been keeping a mental tally and we may feel people have used up all their "get out of jail free" cards with us. We can feel we've exhausted our forgiveness, and often justifiably so. Only thing is, Jesus wasn't giving us a number here in his answer, he was giving us, well...an answer and a new way of doing things.
Sometimes forgiveness means going the extra mile.
"You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Mt. 5:38-42)
Forgiveness, as defined by the life of Christ, means laying down your life for others--yes even THEM. Forgiveness means extending grace and mercy when none is deserved or you feel you've got no more to give. Forgiveness means LOVING even the unlovable...not with a plastic, "churchy", fabricated kind of love, but with a love that humbly recognizes that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It means loving with a love that believes the best of EVERY person...the kind of love that can ONLY come from God Himself, for God is Love.
So for those of you who may also be asking God "How many times must I really forgive?" And that age-old question, "how far is too far?" Know that this is one case where you're going to find the answer urging you to go ahead and cross the line, giving you permission to look like Jesus and to love like Jesus and to go "too far"...just like Jesus.
This blog isn't about sex, so for those of you concerned about where I was going, exhale. For those of you who kept reading hoping I might be able to offer some insight on the subject, I will add this... if you're asking this question, you're asking the wrong question. Spend your days asking God to equip and empower you to live an honorable life worthy of your calling, not how you may wink at and toy with the "Blurred Lines" our society offers. Avoid the gray. Flee.
As I said, this isn't about that though. This question, birthed out of my own moment of reflection, is in regards to FORGIVENESS. How far is too far when it comes to forgiving someone? How many times are we as Christians "required" to forgive before it's considered enough? As I posed this question to God, I was reminded of a similar conversation that took place in Scripture.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times." (Matthew 18:21-22)
Peter gets a bum rap for saying and doing some dumb things. But after just essentially asking the same question myself, I can easily identify with Peter. He was learning, just like you and I, how to be like Jesus. I believe he wanted the literal answer, not for an easy-out when he hit the limit, but so he'd know exactly what was required of him.
I get it, trust me, I get it. We want easily defined, cut-and-dry obedience. We want God to give us a check-list so we can proudly cross things off our list and say to God, "see? I did it!" Understand, I'm in no way minimizing obedience. Doing what is required of us is great. That's obedience. However, doing MORE than what is "required" of us is sometimes what is required of us. (Go ahead and reread that sentence a couple of times.)
Sometimes in the "seventy times seven" times, something in our heart realizes we've been keeping a mental tally and we may feel people have used up all their "get out of jail free" cards with us. We can feel we've exhausted our forgiveness, and often justifiably so. Only thing is, Jesus wasn't giving us a number here in his answer, he was giving us, well...an answer and a new way of doing things.
Sometimes forgiveness means going the extra mile.
"You have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you." (Mt. 5:38-42)
Forgiveness, as defined by the life of Christ, means laying down your life for others--yes even THEM. Forgiveness means extending grace and mercy when none is deserved or you feel you've got no more to give. Forgiveness means LOVING even the unlovable...not with a plastic, "churchy", fabricated kind of love, but with a love that humbly recognizes that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It means loving with a love that believes the best of EVERY person...the kind of love that can ONLY come from God Himself, for God is Love.
So for those of you who may also be asking God "How many times must I really forgive?" And that age-old question, "how far is too far?" Know that this is one case where you're going to find the answer urging you to go ahead and cross the line, giving you permission to look like Jesus and to love like Jesus and to go "too far"...just like Jesus.
Friday, September 6, 2013
on the other side of surrender...
Recently I had the opportunity to preach at church on the Holy Spirit and how often times experiencing His power is contingent on one word: surrender. Surrender is one of those tricky words that we often think we've got all figured out, until, that is, we realize we're not as surrendered as we might like to believe. If you're tracking with me here it's most likely because we are kindred personalities.
So what is surrender? What does surrender look like? Perhaps a better question is what isn't surrender? My pastor describes surrender somewhat this way, "surrender with conditions is no surrender at all." I'm not sure about you but I've found my "surrender" to be quite conditional more times than I care to admit. I don't wink at my stubborn tendencies and neither do I excuse them. Resistance, in any form, to the Holy Spirit is both grieving and foolish.
When faced with the cross, Jesus asked His Father to "let this cup pass from me." Today, faced with a cross of my own, I admit that I too am asking Him to take a cup from me that seems far too much for me to bear. The contents of it truly seems too impossible to swallow. Yet, as Jesus prayed, I can't deny that somewhere from within, my heart cries a surrendered, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
There are times that Love requires us to go where we can't imagine being able to go. There are times that Love requires us to do what we never imagined being able to do...this might just be one of those times.
As I process and wrestle with myself to accept His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him, He assures me that He is with me and there is even more victory on the other side of surrender...
So what is surrender? What does surrender look like? Perhaps a better question is what isn't surrender? My pastor describes surrender somewhat this way, "surrender with conditions is no surrender at all." I'm not sure about you but I've found my "surrender" to be quite conditional more times than I care to admit. I don't wink at my stubborn tendencies and neither do I excuse them. Resistance, in any form, to the Holy Spirit is both grieving and foolish.
When faced with the cross, Jesus asked His Father to "let this cup pass from me." Today, faced with a cross of my own, I admit that I too am asking Him to take a cup from me that seems far too much for me to bear. The contents of it truly seems too impossible to swallow. Yet, as Jesus prayed, I can't deny that somewhere from within, my heart cries a surrendered, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
There are times that Love requires us to go where we can't imagine being able to go. There are times that Love requires us to do what we never imagined being able to do...this might just be one of those times.
As I process and wrestle with myself to accept His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him, He assures me that He is with me and there is even more victory on the other side of surrender...
Monday, May 20, 2013
the rhythms of freedom...
I'm in one of those incredible seasons where God's voice and activity seem so close and so near. I cherish this. I contend for this. I don't take it for granted, and I pray it lasts. Although His nearness means surrendering layers and parts of me I was hesitant to give up, He is faithful and relentlessly tenacious in His pursuit to love and free us. And although I can sometimes feel like a hot-mess, He has more wonder-working power than I have "issues". Thank God!
Today, His challenge to me was to "re-learn the rhythms of freedom." He began to show me that for some time I had been "out of sync." As in the natural, when the rhythm is thrown off, the whole song is affected.
Acts 17:28 says this, "in Him we live, and MOVE, and have our being."
To "re-learn the rhythms of freedom", is to re-learn the rhythm of living and moving IN HIM. He is Freedom, it is His very name! Where He is, there is FREEDOM. (2 Corinthians 3:17) Yes, walking in freedom takes our cooperation with and yieldedness to Him, but freedom is not struggle! Freedom is a gift, already purchased and ready for us to receive!
Today, I am overwhelmingly grateful for His never-ending pursuit to have all of me. Today, I will watch Him and listen with my ear pressed to His chest. Today I will allow Him the honor of leading this dance, and will enjoy simply swaying to the song He is singing over me!
Today, His challenge to me was to "re-learn the rhythms of freedom." He began to show me that for some time I had been "out of sync." As in the natural, when the rhythm is thrown off, the whole song is affected.
Acts 17:28 says this, "in Him we live, and MOVE, and have our being."
To "re-learn the rhythms of freedom", is to re-learn the rhythm of living and moving IN HIM. He is Freedom, it is His very name! Where He is, there is FREEDOM. (2 Corinthians 3:17) Yes, walking in freedom takes our cooperation with and yieldedness to Him, but freedom is not struggle! Freedom is a gift, already purchased and ready for us to receive!
Today, I am overwhelmingly grateful for His never-ending pursuit to have all of me. Today, I will watch Him and listen with my ear pressed to His chest. Today I will allow Him the honor of leading this dance, and will enjoy simply swaying to the song He is singing over me!
Friday, April 19, 2013
A Letter To Me...
I watched a show tonight where a woman wrote a letter to her childhood self. I've heard of people doing that before, but never felt the need to until tonight. As I switched off the t.v., something in me knew I had to. I had no intention of sharing it. I actually hand wrote it in a journal and thought, "that was that." I was wrong. God began to stir my heart in that unmistakable way He does.
I've committed to God to share my story, to share my real journey with others because somebody, somewhere might just need it. I can't hoard His goodness.
I remember the first time I heard someone else sharing "my story"...it was their testimony, but it was mine too...it changed my life forever. She lived to tell her story. So did I. So I obediently write in hopes that someone else might be encouraged and made whole and maybe even write a letter of their own.
A Letter To Me...
"Dear Kimmy.
I'm writing this letter to you, the three year old girl I once was, because there are some things you need to know. I'm thirty-six now, and I've truly never been happier. I'm living the life we never imagined possible. I want you to know, sweet girl, that there are better days ahead. The darkness won't last forever. There will be more bad days than good for many years, but know that it won't last forever.
You won't just be happy in the future, you will have real joy and lasting peace. You will KNOW that you are loved and that will begin to make all the difference. I know that right now you are terrified by what's going on. I know you don't understand why this is happening and are wondering if it will ever end. It will sweet girl.
I know that being abandoned and left to live in strange homes with strange people is terrifying to such a little girl. I know you feel like it's all your fault. Please hear me when I say, none of this is your fault. You are a child. You don't deserve to be abandoned, mistreated, devalued. You don't deserve to be defiled and abused. You deserve to be loved, protected, treasured, and safe...every little girl does.
There will be days when you despise being a girl. There will even be days when you despise being alive. Hold on. You will soon discover that God Himself is your Daddy and He has a plan for all of this. You'll see.
You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake.
God Himself planned for you and He says, "you will live and not die and will declare the works of the Lord." That word will sustain you and prove itself truth in your life. I know it's hard for such a small child to comprehend, but you'll discover it's all true soon, I promise.
I know right now, you can't imagine life at thirty-six because you can't allow yourself to even imagine surviving another day...but you will. You will, in fact, survive a whole lot of "another days." Some of them, sadly, will be far worse than the ones you know now. I wish it weren't so, but it is. However, there are also days coming that God will begin to redeem everything--ALL of it. These days will far outshine them all, you'll see.
You have to know you will be o.k. I know there's nobody there to tell you that right now, but if you listen, I promise you that you'll begin to hear the voice of God--even at this early age--and He will whisper comforts to your soul.
Life will continue even after those moments when it seems like it's all over. Life will continue even when you're begging in agony for it to all just end. There are some prayers, you'll see, that His answer to is, "no." He has a plan. I know you can't see it yet, but I promise you He does.
Much will be taken from you, little one, but much more will be given back to you...more than you can ever imagine. Even now, as I write, I know that there is much more still to be restored as I am daily being lavishly ransomed.
You will have many questions on this journey, and few will be answered to your human liking--you will come to accept that. You will be o.k. You will find wholeness that will far supersede the anguish and sorrow your tiny heart now feels. You will find a purpose in all of this and for you, that will be enough.
I wish I could rescue you somehow, but that is not the way this story goes. My heart breaks for your innocence, yet my spirit peacefully rejoices in knowing that YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED. You live...I live...and the story continues."
-Kimberly
I've committed to God to share my story, to share my real journey with others because somebody, somewhere might just need it. I can't hoard His goodness.
I remember the first time I heard someone else sharing "my story"...it was their testimony, but it was mine too...it changed my life forever. She lived to tell her story. So did I. So I obediently write in hopes that someone else might be encouraged and made whole and maybe even write a letter of their own.
A Letter To Me...
"Dear Kimmy.
I'm writing this letter to you, the three year old girl I once was, because there are some things you need to know. I'm thirty-six now, and I've truly never been happier. I'm living the life we never imagined possible. I want you to know, sweet girl, that there are better days ahead. The darkness won't last forever. There will be more bad days than good for many years, but know that it won't last forever.You won't just be happy in the future, you will have real joy and lasting peace. You will KNOW that you are loved and that will begin to make all the difference. I know that right now you are terrified by what's going on. I know you don't understand why this is happening and are wondering if it will ever end. It will sweet girl.
I know that being abandoned and left to live in strange homes with strange people is terrifying to such a little girl. I know you feel like it's all your fault. Please hear me when I say, none of this is your fault. You are a child. You don't deserve to be abandoned, mistreated, devalued. You don't deserve to be defiled and abused. You deserve to be loved, protected, treasured, and safe...every little girl does.
There will be days when you despise being a girl. There will even be days when you despise being alive. Hold on. You will soon discover that God Himself is your Daddy and He has a plan for all of this. You'll see.
You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake. You aren't a mistake.
God Himself planned for you and He says, "you will live and not die and will declare the works of the Lord." That word will sustain you and prove itself truth in your life. I know it's hard for such a small child to comprehend, but you'll discover it's all true soon, I promise.
I know right now, you can't imagine life at thirty-six because you can't allow yourself to even imagine surviving another day...but you will. You will, in fact, survive a whole lot of "another days." Some of them, sadly, will be far worse than the ones you know now. I wish it weren't so, but it is. However, there are also days coming that God will begin to redeem everything--ALL of it. These days will far outshine them all, you'll see.
You have to know you will be o.k. I know there's nobody there to tell you that right now, but if you listen, I promise you that you'll begin to hear the voice of God--even at this early age--and He will whisper comforts to your soul.
Life will continue even after those moments when it seems like it's all over. Life will continue even when you're begging in agony for it to all just end. There are some prayers, you'll see, that His answer to is, "no." He has a plan. I know you can't see it yet, but I promise you He does.
Much will be taken from you, little one, but much more will be given back to you...more than you can ever imagine. Even now, as I write, I know that there is much more still to be restored as I am daily being lavishly ransomed.
You will have many questions on this journey, and few will be answered to your human liking--you will come to accept that. You will be o.k. You will find wholeness that will far supersede the anguish and sorrow your tiny heart now feels. You will find a purpose in all of this and for you, that will be enough.
I wish I could rescue you somehow, but that is not the way this story goes. My heart breaks for your innocence, yet my spirit peacefully rejoices in knowing that YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED. You live...I live...and the story continues."
-Kimberly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)