Always one to rouse a crowd, share a thought, laugh out loud, I had always considered myself rather out-going. I never shy away from public humiliation for the sake of a good laugh (being in youth ministry provided many such opportunities) or a chance to perform for an audience. Laughter was the greatest form of applause and affirmation and I have always enjoyed making folks smile. And although, there is certainly nothing wrong with this necessarily, God began to reveal to me the truth was, I was hiding. I had adopted internally the mantra of "make them laugh with you, not at you." So insecure about my value as merely me, I had somehow come to believe that this was the only "me" others would approve of.
For much of the past several months, God has repeatedly reminded me that I was not created to hide who I am and He has been causing me to emerge from within myself. It is both terrifying and exhilarating to introduce yourself to a world full of people who thought they already knew you, it is eye-opening to discover for yourself who you truly are, and it is breath-taking to experience the validating love of God as he affirms that it's good to (finally) "see" you.
I am more than the rowdy character at game night, and although she is a blast, she is only part of who I am. I, like every woman, have many intricate, complex, and stunning layers and they are worthy of sharing. And I am blessed to be part of a community of amazing people where that is not only welcomed, but celebrated! I am excited for what the future holds, and desire to allow the glory of who God is to be radiantly displayed through all I am even if this means I must stop hiding in plain sight...
It's funny how often we see ourselves differently than others see us. Maybe because I haven't known you as the "youth ministry leader"...game night was more eye opening for me. :D I was like, "Oh, okay there's the crazy girl that rallies everyone." When I met you my impression was that of someone committed to God's Word and word; a minister of the gospel; a deep thinker; a woman of authority and substance. Hmmm. Maybe I've just been seeing more of who you were truly created to be.
ReplyDeleteI too have "hidden in plain sight". One of the elders from Promiseland (you may have met him last night...he was asking me about writing) told me once ...well, I don't remember how he worded it but basically he said I act a lot goofier than I really am and that I probably needed to stop it. I had to think about that. I think I've lived in fear of being rejected because of who I really am. It's easy to handle a rejection of the fun person I want everyone to think I am (and I am fun but I have a very deep side too) and most people are more open to and accepting of "fun" me where as, my more serious side often challenges others. If someone rejects "fun" me they aren't really rejecting me because they don't really know me. If they really know me and reject me well that's a little more difficult to deal with.
Transparency is worth it thought.
Helpful if I spelled though rather than thought....
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